"You call that a Salchow?! It looks like you have mad Salchow disease! That's right, your skating has a spongiform encephalopathy, bitch!"

2007 Little League World Series Championship Game Running Diary

Well, it seems that it's taken me less than a month as a blogger to ape my one-time sportswriting idol, Bill Simmons (whom I still like, but now find to be incredibly average) with a running diary of the 2007 Little League World Series Championship between Warner Robins, Georgia and Tokyo, Japan. Trusted companions include my fiancee, Carrie, and (sporadically) my dad and my brother. On that note, off we go...

3:30 EDT - We open with a montage--not of, as you might expect, highlights but rather of Little Leaguers, somewhat confoundingly, dressed like civil war re-creationists--narrated by Brent Musberger and scored by Sigur Ros. Seriously. It's actually, amazingly, even weirder than it sounds.

3:31 - Georgia, unfortunately, is not among the 16 teams in the highly addictive 1990 NES game Little League Baseball: Championship Series, making any attempts at simulating this outcome foolish. Suffice to say, both teams today would have lost horribly to virtual Chinese Taipei, as I recall them being absolutely unbeatable.

3:35 - Musberger looks to be the play-by-play man today--apparently he's powerful enough that he can have it written into his contract that he can do the Championship game without having to call any other Little League game leading up to the final (he was even MIA for yesterday's semi-final games). Joining him in the booth is Orel "I'm secretly way too happy Brandon Webb gave up a run in the 1st inning last week" Hershiser and Dusty "So, I only have to do this for summer before some team hires me, right??" Baker. Should be fun.

3:37 - Early intrigue: Georgia coach Mickey Lay has decided not to start his ace pitcher, Dalton Carriker (who also happens to be batting an other-worldly .796 thus far in the LLWS--that kid is going to get so much ass) instead opting to start Keaton Allen, a kid who hasn't played at all in this World Series. Why? He thinks that Allen's unorthodox delivery will disrupt the Japanese team for a couple of innings, at which point it seems they'll bring in Carriker. Umm. I reserve the right to be humbled later on, but this call could move former Lions coach Mike Morningweg's infamous (and, to this day, mind-boggling) "We're Won the Toss but We're Going to Kickoff in OT Because it's So Windy" decision off the top of the 50 All-Time Worst Coaching Blunders list.

3:43 - We're still waiting for the start of the game. In the meantime, everyone is keeping a close watch on the Tigers/Yankees game on FOX. I don't want to exaggerate, but if the Tigers lose today, they're playoff chances are completely shot to hell and they might well have to disband the team. The Tigers we up 5-1 early, but it's now 5-4 in the 9th. Todd Jones, whom I now believe to be physically incapable of having a 1-2-3 inning, has allowed a one-out single to Jason Giambi. Up steps Robinson Cano, or, as I like to call him, the most terrifying 7 hitter in the history of baseball. I witnessed him personally hit two HRs at the Rogers Centre last month and he hit .385 in July (also: his three run shot today narrowed the gap to one).

3:43 - [holding my breath]

3:44 - And Cano hits into a 3-6-3 double play to end the game! Thank Science! Hilariously, my brother, who is a Tigers fan, seems upset by all this (Cano, it seems, has now hit into 16 double plays this year), which prompts him to say "poor guy." At which point my dad turns to him and says, "if I ever hear you cheer for the Yankees again, I will disown you." Good times!

3:50 - Quick clarification re: Carriker not pitching. It seems that he threw 23 pitches in relief against Texas yesterday afternoon and he's therefore ineligible to pitch today. If he'd thrown less than 20 pitches yesterday he'd be able to throw today. I can't really fault the coach for keeping him in the day before, since the game came down to the final batter. I can, however, criticize this new rule. Nice work, Little League World Series! If there's one thing I thought was missing from this exciting yearly tradition, it was math and constant fretting about pitch counts. Nothing like watching a game with a ledger in tow! The other part of the rule is that no pitcher is allowed to throw more than 85 pitches in one game. After he hits 85, he can finish up against the current batter, but then must be removed. While I kind of understand that this--it's supposed to avoid, I guess, a situation where one dominant pitcher carries a mediocre team to the title (see here for a somewhat informed, though admittedly shrill, discussion on the topic)--it also leads to things like this: wunderkind Garret Williams, who pitched for Texas in the 3rd place game, struck out 15 and had a no-hitter going through 5 and two-thirds innings, but couldn't get the final out because he'd reached his pitch limit. The reliever did close it out for a very impressive combined no-hitter, but that's not nearly as cool, is it now?

3:51 - Because Japan lost the toss, they're batting first. Keaton Allen, looking a little shaky on the mound, gets the first out, but then a walk, followed by a rare 1st to 2nd tag up on a foul pop-out to the catcher (great baserunning there_, followed by a misplayed flyball in right and it's 1-0 Japan. Allen already looks ready to cry. Could be a long day.

3:53 - Georgia gets out of a jam to end the top of the first.

3:56 - The video of the Georgia players announcing their names and positions ("Hi, I'm Keaton Allen...") leads to a round of criticism by Carrie, including: "that kid looks blind," "that's a strange last name," and "these kids have the funniest accents." And, really, how odd does a child have to sound for an Irish girl to criticize their accent? (It's kinda true though, their "hi"s sound more like "hoi"s.)

3:57 - Carrie: "Mason Robins? So it's not even a state?"
Me: "No."
Carrie: "So it's this little town against...Japan?"
Me: "Yes."
Carrie: [shakes head] "Weird."

And it really is. For the record, Warner Robins' estimated '06 population is 58,672. Tokyo's? Somewhere north of 12,500,000. But I have it on good authority that WR also drew players from Centreville and Fort Valley, so that should even things out. According to Wikipedia, in an effort to secure a military base during WW2, the city elders shamelessly changed their town's name to "Warner Robins" (the so-called father of modern logistics for the USAF). Nice one! Its most famous (former) resident is one-time military brat Victoria Principal (who--and how is this for symmetry?--was actually born in Fukuoka, Japan), followed by...pretty much no one....Farooq, I suppose. WR is said to have "survived" a direct hit from an F4 tornado in the 50s. Amusingly, one of it's nicknames is "The International City," since it has such a diverse population as a result of all the foreign citizens living at Robins Air Force Base...and with its diverse 8.3% non-white and non-black population (according to the census) who could possibly dispute that it is a veritable panorama? It's city motto is EDIMGIAFAD or "Every Day in Middle Georgia is Armed Forces Appreciation Day"--which sounds somewhat exhausting. I don't think I could handle that many parades...

4:00 - An ABC graphic indicates that it cost each Tokyo player $4,300 U.S. to come to Williamsport, which seems like rather a lot of money. The team paid $115,000 overall, which translates to more than the value of the average home in Warner Robins. OK, I'll stop.

4:01 - Super-stud Dalton Carriker walks on 4 straight pitches. His goal in life is to meet Jessica Simpson. Oh, come on, DC. Aim higher! You've at least made it into Jessica Alba territory this week.

4:02 - Musberger just described 5'4'' Georgia player Micah Wells as "one of the cuties around here." Oh, my.

4:04 - A groundout and strikeout strands Carriker on base. 1-0 Japan through one.

4:06 - First preview of the day for the truly ghastly looking Caveman. Not looking forward to reviewing that one.

4:08 - A graphic tells us that Yuya Fushushima's favorite movie is Spiderman. Really? That one?? Taylor thinks that he means the whole series, but I'm not convinced. He strikes out looking. Serves him right.

4:11 - After a walk, it's two on, one out for Japan. First mound visit of the day. That was fast, Keaton Allen looks ready to shit his pants he's so terrified. The miked-up coaches segments never fail to disappoint. Just once I'd like to hear a coach say "get your head out of your ass. Don't you know how ridiculous you're making me look? Can't you see that I'm insecure?? Christ!! [storms off]"

4:12 - Japanese 3B Kato Kazutaka fake bunts, then lashes a single up the middle. Bases loaded.

4:13 - Up steps Kanta Hiraide, who, ingeniuously, has listed his coach as his role model. Suck up! On a totally unrelated note, he's batting clean up instead of his usual 9th.

4:15 - Ouch. Keaton Allen takes a ground ball off the shin. Everyone's safe. 2-0 Japan. Allen grimaces and hobbles around a bit before returning to the mound. He takes a couple of practice pitches, no doubt thinking "please let me be too injured to continue. Please let me be too injured to continue..." But no, he's fine. Except for the whole pitching thing--he's still terrible at that.

4:17 - Ryo Kanekubo's bio indicates that he'd like to play for the Yankees when he grows up. Prompting my dad to say, completely seriously, "wants to play for the Yankees--what a loser." Word. David Umphreyville Jr. makes a diving catch in CF to end the inning, limiting the damage to a run. Poor Keaton Allen looks positively euphoric.

4:21 - We're back from commercial with sideline reporter Erin Andrews in the stands with David Umphreyville's father. For the uninitiated, Mr. Umphreyville, a truck driver, was "forced" to quit his job when his employer, Mr. Potter, wouldn't give him time off to travel to Williamsport. Why didn't he just drive there? I find it pretty amusing that they've been advertising all week that this poor kid's father is jobless, with everyone, to a man, observing that it was "totally the right decision." Really?? Don't they need to, like, eat and stuff? Mr. U looks vaguely mortified that he's now the poster boy for unemployment, but Andrews delivers some good news: Kenny's dad has received numerous job offers this week. The dad nods enthusiastically. This all would have been significantly funnier if he was drinking heavily, pulling out his hair, and screaming "oh my God, we're broke!! The Japanese travel agent screwed us over! Then I bet our house on my son's team and the coach decides to start Keaton Fucking Allen!?! I didn't even know he was on the team! I thought he was the retarded batboy! He falls over if he walks too fast! Fuck!! My kid is doing fucking cartwheels in the outfield to bail this whiny tub out of jams! We're ruined! I'll have to sell my son to a wealthy Asian benefactor [sobs uncontrollably as Erin Andrews slinks away]."

4:22 - Hilarious ten second show of a chubby kid staring at a soft pretzel like it's a PS3 crossed with a dirt bike. He'll take seven, please.

4:23 - LF Payton Purvis steps to the plate. Intrigue: in an earlier game Purvis hit a HR off the marble bust of Howard J. Lamade in CF. Somewhat inexplicably, the Japanese team has taken to praying to this bust before and after every game. I wonder if they'd continue to worship him if they knew that (as observed in the LLWS media guide) he was the one-time editor-in-chief of Grit, which I can only assume is some sort of hardcore pornographic magazine. My guess is they'll plunk Purvis.

4:24 - They don't. Damn. Also, a quick Google search reveals that a correction is in order, as it seems as though Lamade wasn't quite the smut peddler I made him out to be. According to its website, Grit is a magazine "honoring the joys of contemporary country life." Surrrrrre.

4:25 - Interesting shot of Keaton Allen screaming encouragement to his team from the dugout. Probable sample dialogue: "seriously, you guys, I'm really not very good and David Umphreville's dad keeps giving me this throat-slitting gesture, so let's score some runs, OK?"

4:26 - Throwing error by the pitcher. Georgia is officially threatening. Don't worry kid, I'm sure the Tigers will draft you some day.

4:29 - Hunter Jackson is up at the plate. His favorite player is A-Rod. Nice work, ass. True to his hero, he grounds into what should be an inning-ending double play when his team could really use a hit. Another bad throw by the pitcher (seriously, Dave Dombrowski is foaming at the mouth now) limits Japan to just the force at 2nd. Runners at the corners with 2 down.

4:30 - ...and up steps Keaton Allen!

4:31 - Wow! Allen hits what looks to be a weak pop-up that somewhow hits about two inches from the top of the wall. Tie game. His favorite player is Barry Bonds--suspicious, no?

4:32 - Repeated shots of Allen indicating with his thumb and index finger how close his ball was from being a home run. Relax, Keaton. Everyone saw it. I'm totally resisting making a rather cruel joke about what he's actually indicating.

4:33 - Allen advances to third on a wild pitch, but instead of sliding into the bag, he collapses like he's been shot. Graceful. Alas, Georgia can't cash him in, so we're tied through 2.

4:35 - Kendall Scott is now on the mound for Georgia. Awwwww....I was just getting started. Keaton Allen's line: 2 runs, 4 hits, 1 walk, 3 death threats received, 18 pained expressions, and one soiled pair of pants. He trots out to left field.

4:39 – Junsho Kiushi is hailed as the “fastest text messager on the team.” Oh really? I’ll take Carrie—who can text faster than I talk—against Junsho any day of the week. Asked for comment, Carrie responds, in her best Ivan Drago, “I’ll beat him,” followed by—ominously—“I’ll break his fingers.” It’s unclear in which order, and I’m too afraid to follow up.

4:42 – Yuya Kurihara also lists Spiderman as his favorite film—is this the same child? Have they not had any new releases since 1999? This confuses me.

4:43 – Musberger, possibly dreaming of little boys (he seems particularly taken with the tiny Japanese twins) or maybe simply channeling his inner Pat Summerall, loses track of the count and doesn’t realize that a Japanese batter has walked. Seems they only wake him up for the important meetings. Japan threatens but does not score in the 3rd.

4:46 – It’s a shame that India doesn’t play in the LLWS, it only for the America: The Book-inspired comedic goldmine that this graphic would be: "Sanjay Suresh 3B, favorite subject: math and computers. Fun fact: has already taken your job."

4:50 – Superhuman Dalton Carriker steps up for his 2nd at bat. His favorite player is listed as Rafael Furcal. Him? The hell? I’m starting to worry about this kid—maybe he needs a cooler entourage. He grounds out.

4:52 – Kendall Scott lists his favorite player as Ty Cobb. Dad and I exchange a glance. This selection is somewhat understandable (Cobb was from Georgia), kind of awesome, but also totally hilarious. I have visions of Scott being completely racist.

4:54 – A quick scan of the Georgia bench reveals no black players. Hmmm. Coincidence, or the work of the nefarious Kendall Scott?

4:55 – Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue (and if you had told me that there was a governor named “Sonny Perdue” and not given me the state, GA would’ve been my first or second guess--that's like straight out of a Robert Penn Warren novel) is in attendance for at least the second straight day. Sigh. I’m of two minds here. On the one hand, it’s kinda cool that he’s here (we could never even convince our high school principal to come to one of our basketball games, and his office was literally less than 100 feet from the gym—and I guess this is a better vacation spot than the Crawford ranch); on the other, isn’t Williamsport like 1,000 miles from Atlanta? Is there nothing to be done in the statehouse? Isn’t Georgia’s literacy ranking like 46th in the nation or something?? Isn't it one of the most violent and unhealthy states in the union?

4:56 – They just showed the team picture from the Governor’s 1959 Warner Robins Little League squad. No black players there either. How interesting...

4:57 – Surprisingly funny Carpoolers trailer. It seems to be getting some good buzz.

5:02 – Presumably because there are incriminating photos of him somewhere, sideline reporter Orestes Destrade is forced to hang with the fan-waving Japanese mothers who have not shut the hell up for the entire game. Well…he’s not covering the WNBA playoffs, showing, at least, that things could be worse.

5:05 – Fun facts about Williamsport: organizers do not charge admission to any of the games. While that may not seem like a big deal, the estimated attendance for last year's series was 315,000. Instead, a hat (literally, a fucking hat--actually, no, I think it's a box) is passed around and donations are encouraged (or, as Creed would call it: Christmas). Food is very cheap, with a hot dog, french fries, and a drink running you less than five dollars.

5:14 – Groan. Hunt Smith’s favorite movie is The Longest Yard. Honestly, would it kill someone to throw in Clockwork, Memento, or 40 Year Old Virgin? Also, can someone explain to me how Sandler is the actor of choice for every single Little Leaguer born between 1995 and 2007? Some kid yesterday dropped Billy Madison as his favorite, which…what? Even if juvenilia is your thing, why not something like Old School or Wedding Crashers?

5:19 – An altogether forgettable interview between ABC reporter Karl Ravech (bunkered down roughly 500 feet from Lamade Stadium as if there’s some sort of restraining order against him) and Zane Ancell, aka the kid from Texas who broke his ankle while covering the plate yesterday in the American Championship. Probably not necessary.

5:20 – More on Garret Williams, the Texas pitcher that some Deadspinners have pointed out throws faster than Jamie Moyer right now: 16 innings pitched, 5 hits allowed, 2 walks, 42 strikeouts, and a 0.00 ERA. I don't really have a snarky comment...that's just incredibly impressive.

5:21 – Non-starter Kendall Scott mows down Japan 1-2-3 in the 5th. We’re still knotted at 2-2.

5:24 – We’re brought back from the break to some sort of atrocious rap to highlights from the tournament by what turns out to be two of the kids from High School Musical 2. Oh. This is the thing that's taking over the world one Disney special at a time? OK.

5:25 – Keaton Allen’s nickname is—amazingly—Cupcake, leading to this exchange:
Carrie: “why in the world would they call him that?”
Me: “Because they hate him.”

More importantly, how was this tidbit not unveiled when he shakily took the mound in the 1st? This is an outrage! Get me the ombudsman!

5:28 – Dalton Carriker whiffs. No one looks more shocked than him.

5:30 – As Japanese pitcher Ryo Kanekubo fans his final batter to end the 5th (he’s exceeded 85 pitches), we’re treated to an unexpected shot of Zane Ancell hobbling out of the stadium barely ten minutes after being interviewed on air. He couldn’t have stayed for the rest of the game?? That’s just cruel. I’m picturing Ravech turning to him seconds after segment ended and bellowing: “Ravech is finished with you. Leave immediately.”

5:34 – I haven’t seen a single Japanese player list sushi as there favorite food. Is this accurate or do you think the players are concerned about stereotypes?

5:36 – A graphic indicates that Japanese CF Hiroki Takewaki’s older brother was part of the 2001 Championship team. Interesting. Takewaki promptly strikes out, as his father, thousands of miles away, quietly disowns him.

5:38 – Kendall Scott strikes out the side to close out the top of the 6th. This kid is on fire. That said, Carrie and I both agree that his name makes him sound like a Bold and the Beautiful character.

5:43 – Since Kanekubo has reached the maximum, Japan is forced to put their starting SS, Junsho Kinchi, on the mound. I’m now convinced that, not unlike marketing the "rank my top friends" application on Facebook to thirteen year olds, this 85 pitch rule is designed to maximize cruelty. This is the bottom of the sixth and one swing can end it, so it makes perfect sense to bring in a kid who probably hasn’t warmed up in nearly three hours.

5:46 – After Kendall Scott narrowly misses hitting a walk-off homer, David Umphreyville Jr. reaches base on what is actually an error but is ruled a hit. Now the coach’s kid, 2B Taylor Lay, is stepping to the plate with a chance to be a hero.

5:48 – Nope. Kiuchi gasses him with a high fastball. Two down.

5:50 – Nicholas Martens swings and misses at a fastball for his third strike but advances to first because the catcher can’t get a glove on it, as David Umphreyville Jr. scurries down to 3rd! Two on, two out. Oh, the excitement…is what I would have said if the LLWS didn’t have the exceedingly boring rule that a batter cannot advance on a strikeout. Well, then. At any rate: free baseball.

5:51 – Ugh. An Ugly Betty song by Mika. I’m actually rooting for the HSM2 kids to be brought back at this point. We get it, ABC. She’s a lovable, ugly duckling underdog who has a beautiful spirit. (Though even that's contrived since she's clearly good looking in real life.) Shut up, already. They’re going to be totally insufferable once the show (undeservedly) runs the table at next week’s Emmys.

5:55 – ABC redeems itself with a shot of an evidently teary Taylor Lay being consoled by his dad the coach. Hey, Adam Morrison (scroll to the 2:20 mark if you're looking for the waterworks), the game isn’t even fucking over! Also, isn't it customary for a kid to cry after his failure at the plate leads directly to his team's defeat? I mean, he wasn't even the third out. If anyone should be crying, it's Keaton Allen (and maybe the out-of-work father).

5:56 – Apparently, this is the 5th extra inning championship game in history. Longest ever? 1971, when Chinese Taipei (I told you!) outlasted Indiana 12-3 in 9 innings. 12-3? How the hell does that even happen? Did the Indiana team walk off the field mid-game like the Red Army against the Flyers in '76 and Taipei just kept on hitting with their coach throwing BP? This needs to be explained!

6:00 – After a rare walk from Scott, a wild pitch, followed by another walk, Japan is officially threatening with 2 outs in the 7th.

6:01 – Kiuchi hits a weak grounder to third. Hunter Jackson snatches it up, dashes back, and gets to the bag just as the runner from second slides in. Safe. No! He’s called out. Side retired. Come fucking on! Has Mr. Umphreyville gotten to you, too? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?? Oh, right.

6:02 – Upon further review, he was out. My bad. Probably best that I never appear in an announcing booth.

6:04 – Leading off the bottom of the 7th, we have Hunter Jackson, whose nickname is—purportedly—Action Jackson. You just know he gave that one to himself. Not cool, Action. Not cool.

6:05 – Hershiser and Baker, both roused from their slumber, engage in an extended discussion on whether the 1st base umpire is paying attention or really paying attention. Verdict: yes.

6:09 - Kiuchi strikes out the side. We’re going to 8. At this point, I think I’m rooting for this game to something preposterous like 11 or 12 innings, if only to see what kind of player factoids they’re forced to run. You know: 'furthest you've gone with a girl'; 'teammate I’d kill first if forced to'; 'team mom I’ve secretly fantasized about'. Admit it, you’d be riveted.

6:14 – Kendall Scott, facing his last batter, records his 10th K. Final line: 87 pitches, 5 and two-thirds innings, 1 hit, 4 walks, zero runs. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that if he’d started the game, it’d be over by now. Keaton Allen hijinks aside, why did he get the nod? What, exactly, made him unorthodox? The fact that he was tremendously shitty??

6:15 – Just saw the Orville Redenbacher ad from 1978 for the sixth time today. I have to ask: do they just have no advertising budget this year or is the lead guy at their ad agency trying to get fired? I’m at a loss. Like, even for 1978, it isn’t any good.

6:22 – Zach Conlon, the new pitcher, threatens to pull a Todd Jones (just kidding, TJ, you were great today!) before managing to get out of the inning.

6:23 – Bottom of the eighth. Ravech and Musberger excitedly mention the term “walk-off home run” about nine times in a minute and a half, so I guess we’d know what they’d like…

6:24 – And up steps Dalton Carriker. Well, if anyone can do it, it’s him. In fact, I think he will.

6:25 – And…it’s gone. HR to right. He knew it right away. Boom goes the dynamite! Carricker is so getting laid tonight—almost certainly by Mr. Umphreyville.

6:25 – For the record, Carriker finishes the tournament an astonishing 11 for 16 (for a cool .688 average).

6:26 – The Tokyo pitcher is still collapsed in a heap. Another kid is crying so hard, he’s making a face that, I think we can all agree, previously only existed in cartoons. Like, he wouldn’t be more upset if he was told he had a week to live and they were discontinuing Pokemon.

6:27 – Carrie, bless her heart, laughs and laughs at all the crying. For those concerned about her potentially xenophobic tendencies, let it be known that she mercilessly mocked the losing teams from Texas and Curacao yesterday. I’m not sure if anyone could ever be happier than Carrie right now.

6:29 – And, like that, we’re done. ABC--after some saccharine crap from Musberger (don't get me wrong, I like him well enough, I just happen to think he's more suited to Michigan-Penn State than this stuff)--bails for the news. Rats. No post-game interviews or champagne celebrations. Ah, well. Great game all around. A few complaints:
1. The backstop is too damned close to the catcher! It's probably 10 feet max and any ball that hits it seems to bounce back (at warp speed) to the catcher. It didn’t come up today and I’ll grant that these games probably shouldn’t swing too wildly on an erratic pitcher, but it shouldn’t be this easy for catchers to gun down aggressive runners from third. I'd say I saw 4 runners caught at home for every one that was safe. The risk/reward should be more balanced.
2. No footage of former and current major leaguers in their Little League days. Downer. Where’s the clip from Chris Drury’s 1989 Championship team? A shot from one of Pudge Rodriguez’s 7 (!) Little League no hitters? Dwight Gooden in the (I hope) pre-coke days, Gary Sheffield, etc. That's always fun. I hope it's back next year.
3. While entertaining as hell, these games are too damned long. I know it went 8, but this game took nearly three hours. I ran out of funny material 2 hours and 45 minutes ago!

Now, to convince Carrie to make the trek to Williamsport (did someone say honeymoon, LLWS-style? No? Oh.) If I can guarantee her tears, I might have a shot….