"And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob, 100%, for Joe Quimby, 1%. And we remind you there is a 1% margin of error..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Six: The Slightly Below Average

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five

So far:

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush (not for nothing: that ranking is actually 11 points higher than his current approval rating)
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge

22. John Quincy Adams (1825 - 1829)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Was a big proponent of internal improvements, in particular, a network of roads and canals (one thing I do recall from classes on the early years of the republic is that people were batshit crazy for canals--that one was never appropriately explained to me).

Low Points: ...aside from the internal improvements movement (which ultimately failed, or was only partly successful, because it was over-ambitious), I couldn't find another high point in the JQA administration. Goddammit, Adams! There must've been thousands of problems in need of fixing in 1825! To borrow a bit from Jefferson's introduction (p. xi) in America: The Book (to this day, my favorite piece of comedy writing ever):

"Yes, we were very accomplished. We discovered electricity, invented, stoves, bifocals, the lazy susan, efficient printing presses, and the swivel chair. But in the 18th century it was nearly impossible not to invent something. "What if we put this refuse in a receptacle?" "Oh my God, you just invented a sanitation system!" We lived in primitive times. Hell, I shit in a bucket and I was the president."

(This is followed by call-back that is totally off-topic--even more so than usual!--but I feel compelled to include it:

"But I digress. My point is composing the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution was hard work. God didn't dictate it for us to transcribe from some sort of dictation-transcribing machine. Hey, did I just invent something? Do you have anything like that? You do. Hmm.")

Fun Facts: (1) became President despite losing the popular vote and the electoral college vote, which, I'll confess, is not something I thought possible (admittedly early 18th century U.S. history was never my forte). In a four-man race (the other two candidates were Henry Clay and someone named William Harris Crawford, who I can honestly say I've never heard of), Andrew Jackson received 41% of the popular vote to Adams' 30%...and 99 electoral votes to Adams' 84. However, since neither man had a majority in the electoral college, it went to a run-off in the House of Representatives, whereupon Clay--whose hatred of Jackson knew know bounds--threw his support to Adams (the so-called "corrupt bargain"--not to be confused with Nixon's deal with Ford...or the Compromise of 1877, both also, somewhat annoyingly, known as the "corrupt bargain"...let's try to be more original, historians!)

(2) Met Lincoln during his (Lincoln's) only term in the House of Representatives, in 1847. This makes JQA the "only major figure in American history who knew both the Founding Fathers and Abraham Lincoln" (h/t Wikipedia).

(3) Had one of the rockier presidential marriages on record (with the possible exception of FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt, whom I'm fairly certain never slept together, and, from what I can gather, may not have spoken for several years. Also: Bill and Hillary), with Mrs. Adams once openly lamenting marrying into the Adams Family (ha!), as the men were "cold and insensitive to women."

(4) Maybe the most impressive pedigree of any President in history: Minister to the Netherlands, Minister to Prussia, State Senator (slumming!), U.S. Senator, Minister to Russia, Chief Negotiator of the Treaty of Ghent (ending the War of 1812), Minister to Great Britain, Secretary of State. And, in what can only be viewed as a giant "screw you" from the universe, the most accomplished foreign policy President in history was forced to deal with precisely zero foreign policy issues.

(5) He's the only ex-President to serve in the House of Representative (possibly in the hopes of throwing another election to someone else? Discuss.)

(6) Had one of the weirder presidential hobbies on record, mainly: skinny-dipping in the Potomac like a filthy hippie.

(7) First President to be photographed (the previous five having been vampires).

(8) Argued successfully (in 1841) before the Supreme Court for the release of slave muniteers aboard the slave ship Amistad. Very cool. Is also partly responsible for securing funds for the establishment of the Smithsonian (which I went to in 2004 and is still, totally awesomely, completely free).

In Writing: Personally, no. Try the unimaginatively titled John Quincy Adams: A Public Life, a Private Life (1999) by Paul C. Nagel.

In Popular Culture: played by Anthony Hopkins in Amistad, which is a feather in his cap. In the HBO miniseries John Adams, he's played (as a boy), by Steven Hinkle (aka "the kid who drowned in the pool in Syriana") and Ebon Moss-Bachrach (as an adult), whose biggest role prior to this was...in Evening? Good grief!

Test of Time: Total afterthought. My best guess is that he'll always be a middle (to late-middle) of the pack guy.

21. William Howard Taft (1909 - 1913)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) appointed six (six!) Supreme Court justices during his four years in office (a record...except for Washington, who appointed ten...but that's hardly a fair comparison). (2) A vigorous enforcer of anti-trust laws. (3) Ratified the Sixteenth Amendment (income tax). Joke away but it was needed. (4) Dollar Diplomacy. Although...

Low Points: (1) Dollar Diplomacy (since I'm still not sure if it should be described as a good thing. Lafeber's Inevitable Revolutions is a great jumping off point.) (2) DeGregorio says that the election of 1908 centered around a single theme: "which candidate could most effectively carry on the popular policies of [Republican] President Theodore Roosevelt." Now, given that Taft was (at the time), TR's closest friend in the known world and that he narrowly defeated William Jennings Bryan (a, you'll note, Democrat) we could probably draw some fairly obvious conclusions about Taft's political skill.

Fun Facts: (1) Was fat...and I mean like legendarily fat. Like "he lost 75 pounds" and was still well on the high side of two bills fat. Due to his heft, White House officials had to bring in a special circus-issued bathtub to accommodate him. OK, I made up the part about the circus, but the custom bathtub part is true.

(2) Was quite a good baseball player in his youth, though was said to be a horrific baserunner (I recommend showing all Taft clips at triple-speed--this always works for Babe Ruth).

In Writing: A Taft-centric bio? No. But the stuff about Taft and TR (they were best friends, but had a falling out when Taft was President, only to reconcile years later) in H.W. Brands' T.R.: The Last Romantic (a great, great book) is absolutely heart-breaking, with TR--dickish--routinely dropping bombs like

"Taft, who is such an admirable fellow, has shown himself such an utterly commonplace leader, good-natured, feebly well-meaning, but with plenty of small motive; and totally unable to grasp or put into execution and great policy."

while a bewildered and wounded Taft would read about them in the paper.

In Popular Culture: (1) Had an affair with Mr. Burns's mom (from "Homer the Smithers"). Wow...can that really be it?

Test of Time: the thing about Taft is that, had he been President before TR, or, say, twenty years after TR, his presidency would look much better, but since he immediately followed Roosevelt, he looked extremely passive. But here's where it gets really weird: in terms of breaking up monopolies, he was far more active than his "trust busting" predecessor. I suppose that's really neither here nor there, just thought I'd point out that Taft gets a bad rap (even from me), and probably wasn't all that bad of a President. 21st--that is: smack dab in the middle--sounds about right.

Going to try something a little different for the last two here (Bill Clinton and George Bush), since I think the two were more or less equally mediocre. To figure out who is better (or, to be more accurate, less bad), I bring you: Bush I v. Clinton. Head to head. Bush will be in red, Clinton blue (for obvious--I hope!--reasons). To up the stakes, the loser gets labelled the last of the "still pretty lousy" Presidents, while the winner gets the highly coveted "worst of the average Presidents" designation.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Defense of Kuwait; (2) passed the Americans with Disabilities Act; (3) Communism collapsed on his watch (though it's not like he took a sledgehammer to the Wall or anything...); (4) Implemented Third World Debt relief (yes, he's tight with Bono).

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Booming economy (though standard caveat is in place: not sure how much credit the President deserves for this). (2) Somewhat miraculously re-elected. I remember re-reading Bob Woodward's The Choice a few years ago and, halfway through, thinking, "there's really just no way he wins. How in the world does he win this?" A masterful campaigner, to be sure...but that's not the same thing as being a good politician. (2) The Brady Bill. (3) NAFTA (I guess...assuming you're Mexican.) (4) His handling of the situation in Yugoslavia. (5) Balanced the budget (again, kind of a mixed bag--is this really why Democrats are elected? I'm not saying a balanced budget isn't a worthy goal, but his single-minded pursuit of it always struck me as a bit wrong-headed).

Edge: Bush.

Low Points: (1) one of the biggest political collapses in recent memory ever. If you have an 88% approval rating (and the polling sample is not your immediate family) sixteen months before the election, you really shouldn't lose.

(2) His one win came against Michael Dukakis, who headed up one of the poorer presidential campaigns of the 20th century (yes, worse than Kerry).

(3) "Read my lips: no new taxes." I recall him saying this once and living to regret it, but, actually, it turns out it was practically his campaign mantra, which makes it far worse. (3) Didn't finish the job in Iraq (would've saved everyone a lot of grief a dozen years later--though, who knows, maybe the U.S. would be at war with Iran now).

(4) Openly checking his watch during the second debate with Clinton. One of the all-time great debate gaffes. The glance at the watch happens at the three second mark, but the whole clip is worth watching (pay particular attention around the 40 second mark, where the questioner interrupts a confused Bush and he shoots her a glare that basically says "bitch, if you ever do that again, you will disappear off the face of the earth so quickly..." Also of note is Bill Clinton suggesting that he knows every Arkansan--a state of roughly 2.5 million, then--by name.)

(5) Responsible, I believe, for the trend towards ridiculous names for military actions (see the 1989 invasion of Panama, aka Operation Just Cause). Whatever.

Low Points: (1) the Lewinsky thing, clearly (the less said about which the better--except to say, with apologies to Misha's mom--against all odds, the world's biggest Nixon fan--Clinton getting blown by an intern and then lying about is not even in the same realm of seriousness as what went down post-Watergate. It just isn't).

(2) Became ensorcelled by world-class prick Dick Morris in his second term and (though he'd never admit it) was almost totally reliant on polls for a time.

(3) "Don't Ask, Don't Tell": totally gutless.

(4) Bricked the whole health care reform thing.

(5) Basically didn't accomplish anything in his second term (or all that much in his first). And, yeah, you can blame Gingrich if you want and, more generally, partisan politics for the gridlock, but the fact remains that, despite his popularity among the genpop, he was forever embattled in Washington, and a lot of the responsibility for that lies squarely with him.

(6) Pardoned Marc Rich.

Edge (i.e. higher lows): Bush.

Fun Facts: (1) Met Babe Ruth. (2) Had one of the most unintentionally filthy campaign slogans ("Elect Bush and Watch the Action") when he ran for Congress in 1967. (3) A big fan of Murder, She Wrote. (4) His son became President. (Were you aware?)

Fun Facts: (1) Met JFK. (2) Liked the ladies. (3) Is allergic to Socks the cat (which strikes me as kind of tragic). (4) Was endorsed in 1992 by the newspaper (The Phillipian) from Bush's boyhood prep school (now that's a kick to the junk--ouch). (5) Apparently he can read (but not speak) German (which really sounds made up). (6) His 32-minute nominating speech for Dukakis at the 1988 DNC was so poorly received that delegates actually chanted "get off, get off" (too many jokes...) and applauded when he said "In conclusion..." This begs the question: what do you, as a Democrat, have to say to get booed at the DNC? Read a poem about Reagan? Fire your concealed weapon at the ceiling? Have a threesome with the Bush twins? I'm floored...

Slight Edge: Clinton. (Very quickly: do you realize that the certifiably insane Ross Perot managed to get 19.7 million people to vote for him in 1992? Obviously, this reflects badly on both Bush and Clinton...)

In Writing: haven't read anything about Bush Sr., actually. At this point, I should point out that I'm kind of opposed to reading anything about an ex-President within 20-25 years of them being in office, partly because, in most cases, it's too soon to fully assess his impact (Truman is a great example of this) and partly because official documents (a vital resource) tend to be sealed for several years anyway.

In Writing: For pre-presidency stuff, David Mariniss's First in His Class is terrific. For, the presidential years, Halberstam's War in a Time of Peace is solid, albeit narrowly focused on foreign policy. I have not (nor will I ever) read My Life, which I'm told is excruciatingly dull...though I do own a(n unopened) copy of George Stephanopoulos' All Too Human, so make of that what you will.

Edge: Clinton.

In Popular Culture: (1) signature Simpsons ep: "Two Bad Neighbors," referenced roughly 40 times by me already...and probably one of the five best eps in the show's history. My favorite scene (which loses a little bit in translation):

George: [at the Elk's club] And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism in all its forms.

[everyone claps]

George: Now, are there any questions? [everyone puts their hand up] keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair. [pan out to reveal a multi-colored wig glued on by Bart and Homer]
Everyone: Oh yeah, that's right...[putting hands down]

(2) For Halloween in (I believe) 1991, Misha, by virtue of his spot-on impression, went out for Halloween as President Bush. I, in turn, went out as Barbara. (There is, regrettably, photographic evidence of this somewhere.) What makes it weird(er) is, if I recall correctly, I didn't need much coaxing to do this, and may have actually been looking forward to it. Dark days.

In Popular Culture: (1) signature Simpsons ep: the one where he hits on Marge ("Homer to the Max"):

Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me. But believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. [laughs] Real, no-foolin' pigs!
Marge: Are you sure it's a federal law that I have to dance with you?
Clinton: You know, I'd change that law if I could, Marge. But, I can't.
Aide: [whispers in Clintons' ear]
Clinton: Aw, shoot. Quebec's got the bomb! Well, I gotta go, but...look, if you're ever near the White House, there's a tool shed out back. I'm in there most of the day..

Funny, but not in the same league as "TBN." (Bonus obscure Simpsons trivia: the theme song used by the Edna, Agnes Skinner, Milhouse's Mom et al. run Fleet-a-Pita franchise is Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop," the same tune used by Clinton in 1992.)

(2) Chappelle's stuff on Clinton in "Killing Them Softly" is great (particular the part about kissing babies), but unprintable (yes, even here!).

Edge: Bush.

Test of Time: too soon to tell.

Test of Time: too soon to tell.

Edge: Push. (Cop-out!)

Final verdict: Not nearly as close as I thought. For doing more with the less (time), I rank them as follows:

20. Bill Clinton (1993 - 2001)

19. George Bush (1989 - 1993)

Next: #18 - #15

"We begin to fall..."

Truth, Justice, and the Battle Against Irrelevancy: Superman in American Culture (1938 - 2004): Screencap comes from the final page of Superman #653, one of the best Luthor-Superman issues of my lifetime.

Seeing as we're exactly smack dab in the middle of the "Ranking the Presidents" thing, I thought I'd throw out a bit of a curveball. Here's a link to a paper I wrote on Superman when I was in the Ph.D. program at Western. (Note: I still can't believe that I got course credit from this--according to my transcripts, I got an 81 for this, which, depending on your perspective, may or may not sound impressive, but is very much akin to a C+ in grad school, where, if memory serves, grade inflation was rampant).

Anyway, it'll probably come as no surprise to all six of my loyal readers that this is a long one (53 pages). Usually disclaimer: if you're bored/are unable to sleep/have lost an unfortunate bet, by all means, read it all. For those with, you know, lives, I'm going to give you permission to skim it. To that end, here is a brief reader's guide to the paper, with some observations I've made upon re-reading it for the first time in three years (page numbers are exactly as they'll show up in the .pdf window--meaning that the fancy title page counts as #1--as, for some dumb reason, Adobe elected not to retain the pagination I put in place):

p. 2-3: Upon further review: Jesus, is that house analogy tedious. I am so, so sorry. Please know that, were I not more or less forced to explicitly reference course readings I would've begun with paragraph #4 ("Webster's defines 'superhero' as..." "Created in 1938..."), which is bizarre and exhausting in its own right ("strayed beyond the mainstream"? In the words of the great Sam Seaborn: "you cannot do that to the English language." I think I probably meant to use "outside." Dunno.)

p. 4, note 5: let's keep track of the number of footnotes that are barely even tangentially related to the paragraphs they emanate from: one.

p. 7, para. 2: starting to heat up! I really think they should bring back shifty lobbyists as comic book villains--the timing is perfect. At the very least: a Congressman on the Appropriations Committee that's gone mad with power (I know, I know, very improbable...). At first glance, it looked as though footnote 20 on the next page references the "shitty munitions magnate" (which would've been hilarious), but, alas, it actually reads "shifty." Oh, well.

By the way, while this may be sacrilege, I'm totally opposed to Superman's "no killing" policy. You're telling me Metropolis wouldn't be better off with Luthor dead? He's escaped from prison approximately 612 times!

p. 8 - 9: in response to your question: no, I obviously didn't have an outline. How else to explain me bouncing around (in the span of a paragraph) from Umberto Eco to sales figures to WW2? It's conceivable that I was drunk for part of the writing process.

bottom of p. 9: I'm guessing I meant to say "ingenious" (extremely clever) and not "ingenuous" (openly straightforward, artless). Christ, this is starting to get depressing.

bottom of p. 10: From the essay, re: the (in retrospect, kind of unfortunately named) "Supermen for America Club" which appeared at the back of the books:

Pedantic, but generally well-meaning, the typical article counseled young boys and girls to uphold American values. One particularly intense message instructed readers that:

"It is your duty to yourself, your God, your country and your parents to care for yourself in body and mind. You must accept your share of responsibility, thereby lessening the weight of responsibility from the shoulders of others. At home, in school on the playground—be Self-Reliant."

Less defensible was the following week's column:

"kids, do you have a friend who is Japanese? Would you like to send him to a super-secret camp for the summer? If so, please contact 1-800-OSS-4USA. And be sure not to tell your pal--you wouldn't want to spoil the surprise!"

p. 12, note 24: detailed footnote explaining the uses of the Superbots in the 50s and 60s (have I mentioned that I got course credit for this?).

p. 13: Sigh...lengthy (and unnecessary) description of the plot of the first Spider-Man movie, in case, I suppose, my professor decided to have his four-year old son grade it.

p. 16: I actually find this analysis to be pretty interesting. Yes, I'm now complimenting myself. Incidentally, Eco's "The Myth of Superman" essay is truly outstanding. I urge you to seek it out if you haven't yet read it.

p. 16 - 17: not really sure why I ripped through "The Sandman Saga" so quickly, especially in light of the fact that it's a kickass storyline and I was obssesse

p. 18: "oneiric" means "pertaining to dream." I had to look it up just now.

p. 18:

"Theoretically, with his god-like powers, he could do pretty much anything: eliminate world hunger and homelessness or even (in a dated reference) liberate all of China from Communist rule." (Emphasis added)

It's not entirely clear to me now what system of government 2004 Kyle thought China was utilizing, but clearly it wasn't Communism. [Shakes head]

p. 19: this is probably my favorite paragraph in the whole paper. You can probably stop reading now--it won't get any better:

"In the ultimate act of irony, Superman, the most powerful being in the universe, is bound by the rigid conventions of literature. Free to do anything, as long as it amounted to basically nothing, the Superman of the 1970s spent his time (as did his writers, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of their own constraints) going through the motions, waiting—patiently, politely, nobly—for an opportunity to get out of his (and their) rut. Enter Hollywood."

p. 21: in a fanboyish, turn, I'm apparently irritated here that the film series didn't follow the continuity of the books--the books I've been complaining about for something approaching ten pages now. Nice.

p. 21-22, note 56: wherein I (justifiably) shit all over the third and (ugh) fourth movies in the series. Good times.

p. 22, top: I stand by all of this, of course. I still think the original Superman is pretty crappy, but that Superman II is, as I say, a "true gem." And don't even get me started about how Hackman's jokey Luthor is hailed as one of the best villainous performances ever committed to celluloid, while no one ever talks about how chilling Stamp was as General Zod. (God!)

p. 22, bottom: again, looking back, it's galling how much I bounce around here. ("What's that? I have nothing left to say about the films? Well, better start talking about the multi-verse and Crisis on Infinite Earths now...") I guess I thought that throwing in a "but" would suffice for a transition...

p. 23-4: though, in fairness, it's a pretty damn good explanation of the multi-verse and its pitfalls, isn't it?

p. 24, note 60: If you're ever in a comic store...or at a garage sale for an exceedingly dorky person that has fallen on hard times and you see all 26 issues of Who's Who: The Definitive Directory of the D.C. Universe bundled together, I insist that you buy it, if only so you can read about the Earth-3 exploits of President John Wilkes Booth. You won't regret it. Best 20 bucks I ever spent.

p. 25: shamefully, since this was written, both the writers for Smallville (three seasons ago) and TBTB at DC comics (two months ago) opted to callously kill off Pa Kent. Lame.

p. 26: two whole pages without a single footnote? That has to be a record for me.

p. 27 - 38: in what I guess can be categorized as self-plagiarism, this section was culled from a much shorter paper I wrote for a Pop Culture course in 4th year on the death of Superman.

p. 38, top: I think we can all agree that is probably the only time Lois and Clark has been referenced in a(n admittedly second-rate-ish) Ph.D.-level paper.

p. 40, note 98: ...or Three Doors Down.

p. 41: confession: I've never read Kingdom Come.

p. 42: ...but Red Son is fan-fucking-tastic.

p. 44, middle: again, no transition. (imagined writing notes I consulted: "end S1 summary of Smallville....begin meditation on post-9/11 American malaise.") Would it have killed me to throw in a couple more subject headings to break things up.

p. 47-49: while a three-page long paragraph is fairly inexcusable, that aside, it's a pretty good way to end the paper.

p. 49, middle: oh, wait! It's not over. In true Return of the King fashion, I opted to throw in a second ending. Nice.

p. 49, bottom: That's right, suck it Kill Bill 2! Not only were you dreadfully dull (esp. in comparison to the awesomeness of part one), but you bricked your major comic book analysis. (Note: I'm not sure how you can conflate "necessity with commentary"--I'm 99% sure I just wanted a pairing to lead in to "disguise with denigration.")

p. 51-2: with these four suggestions (and, for the record, I still think all of them are good--especially #4--but can probably best be summarized in five words: "sell Superman franchise to Marvel") I'm openly in fanboy mode. Thankfully, I stopped short of providing relationship advice ("I think that Superman should be with Lana Lang, because she's hotter than Lois and, like, totally gets him...").

p. 53: I'm usually against ending papers with quotes, but that's a good one (particularly the very last line).

OK, that's it. Peruse at your own peril. POTUS post #6 should be up sometime tomorrow (time permitting).

"Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Five: The Thoroughly Mediocre

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four

So far:

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur

Next up...

26. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877 - 1881)

High Points/Accomplishments: laid the groundwork for Arthur's Civil Service reforms. More on this in a second.

Low Points: ummm...he ended Reconstruction in exchange for becoming President! If he were a Greek mythology character, he would've immediately been struck by lightning or rendered blind or attacked by a pack of wolves or whatever happens in those stories. To recap, the Samuel Tilden-Rutherford Hayes election was so close that it went to a Congressional committee to decide the outcome. There, the 15 appointees voted 8-7 (strictly along partly lines) in favor of Hayes, a Republican. In exchange, Hayes mollified Southern Democrats by removing all remaining federal troops in the South, which effectively re-legalized white supremacy in the South for another 90 or so years, to which the defeated Tilden (a New Yorker who vigorously opposed slavery) said: "wait, you did what?"

You can read about the so-called Compromise of 1877 here (which is worth it for the creepy cartoon alone).

Fun Facts: (1) Apparently, he assisted in the founding of (the) Ohio State University. Had I known this, I would've dropped him five spots. What a total dic--meh, forget it. I can't muster the enthusiasm for that this year. God, Michigan's terrible.

(2) His name, if reversed, looks just as reasonable. Borrowing a page from Bill Simmons, I'll call this the Franklin Pierce All-Stars. Others that fall into this category include James Buchanan, Ulysses S. Grant (think about it), Zachary Taylor, James Garfield, Chester A. Arthur, Abraham Lincoln (maybe), John Tyler, Benjamin Harrison, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, and James Madison (if he were a girl born after 1987).

(3) His wife was a teetotaler, and banned all alcohol in the White House. Known as "Lucy Lemonade" to her face (and, I believe, "That Bitch Who Won't Let Us Drink at State Dinners" behind her back) she also began the Easter Egg roll on the White House lawn (also considerably less interesting when sober).

(4) His Wikipedia entry contains two footnotes. By comparison, FDR's has 99 (Ford? 116).

(5) This cartoon, which has Hayes leaving a baby marked "Civil Service Reform" (subtle!) on James A. Garfield's doorstep (Hayes himself was unable to push it through Congress). Hayes, for reasons beyond comprehension, is in drag. I was going to go on an extended rant about how terrible political cartoons were back then, but I gotta be honest, they aren't much better today. We're roughly 300 days into our New Yorker cartoon a day calendar and I'd say only five of them have been legitimately funny (and only two of those were fridge magnet worthy, including one--a male dove saying to a female dove: "Why do people think you're a symbol of peace, when you're actually a real bitch?" --that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever).

In Writing: No surprise, I haven't read anything about Hayes (good thing I bragged about reading so many presidential bios! Again in this post, I'm 0-for-4. Rats.)

In Popular Culture: Inexplicably (though happily for me, since I have no other pop culture reference for him) Hayes is singled out for special thanks during the end credits of In The Line of Fire.

Test of Time: OK, here's the thing, any good thing you can say about the Hayes admin can be immediately countered by "yes, but he ended Reconstruction." If anything, I see his reputation worsening (put it this way, lumping him in with other Presidents that lost the popular vote has done his legacy no favours.)

25. Gerald Ford (1974 - 1977)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Famously uttered the following words after assuming the presidency: "My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over." Adding: "but, I'll be honest, I'm pretty fucking incompetent, so you won't exactly be sleeping comfortably for the next two years." Five seconds later, he pardoned Nixon.

Low Points: (1) it begins and ends with pardoning Nixon (except for the part where it ends). Over the years, I've gone back and forth on whether or not this was a necessary move. Part of me wants to believe that, in pardoning Nixon (which happened, not five seconds after being sworn in, but rather about a month later) saved America a lot of grief, but no, it didn't. What it did was save Nixon the grief. Frankly, I don't think the American people would've been too bothered by a disgraced ex-President possibly going to prison. (And, if you have any doubts that this was a pre-arranged deal between Nixon and Ford, I urge you to check out any reputable biography (Woodward's Shadow will do) on Alexander Haig--Nixon's Chief of Staff--which will detail the terms of the "corrupt bargain" negotiated between the incoming and outgoing Presidents). Interestingly, one of Nixon's ideas while still President was to pardon himself and then step down...a concept I find fascinating.

(2) attempted to eliminate with his famed (and often mocked) Whip Inflation Now (WIN) campaign, and he probably would've succeeded...provided that inflation were curable by people wearing stupid buttons.

Fun Facts: (1) renowned for his football skills, he actually didn't start until his senior year at Michigan (largely because he was behind All-American center Chuck Bernard). He was, however offered two pro contracts upon graduation (although one of them was from the Lions, so it's unclear if that counts).

(2) was one of the two House members to sit on the Warren Commission, so, along with LBJ, he's one of the two Presidents to know who is really responsible for JFK's death (Johnson).

In Writing: Douglas Brinkley's Gerald Ford (2007), which I'm looking to sink my teeth into sometime early next year.

In Popular Culture: (1) the first President parodied (by Chevy Chase, who, really, couldn't have looked less like him) on SNL to get real heat. True, Ackroyd did Nixon a few times, but (and Shuk, feel free to correct me here) I don't believe it created that big of a stir. Yesterday, I actually heard a "media" reporter/historian on CNN say that he thought that Chase's Ford impression--which, if memory serves, consisted entirely of Chase falling down/off of/or onto things--cost him the election...on which I'm gonna have to call bullshit. Remember, Ford trailed Carter by thirty points when he was nominated. He's lucky they didn't just call the election off.

(2) Ah, one last time to the "Two Bad Neighbors" episode (er...until George Bush pops up):

Gerry: Hi! Pleased to meet you, I just moved in. My name is Gerry Ford.
Homer: [gasps] Former President Gerald Ford? Put her there! I'm Homer Simpson!
Gerry: Say, Homer, do you like football?
Homer: Do I ever!
Gerry: Do you like nachos?
Homer: Yes, Mr. Ford.
Gerry: Well, why don't you come over and watch the game, and we'll have nachos? And then, some beer.
Homer: Ooh!

[they walk across the street]

Homer: Gerry, I think you and I are going to get along just --

[they both trip]

Both: D'oh!

(3) According to Mr. Burns, Ford is responsible for Project Bootstrap, which led to Homer's hiring at the Power Plant.

Test of Time: he feels more like a punchline at this stage. Many people seem to admire him greatly, but his presidency was, by almost any applied metric, unremarkable.

24. Martin Van Buren (1837 - 1841)

High Points/Accomplishments: Just one thing actually, and it's something known as The Caroline Affair. In 1837, as you'll recall, Canadian insurgents were bloodlessly (read: poorly) revolting against the Brits. At one stage, they apparently tried to capture Toronto, but were headed off, and fell back to an island in the Niagara River. Sympathetic Americans sent a supply ship (the steamship Caroline) to aid the Canadian rebels. However, Canadian militia, upon receiving word of the ship's arrival courtesy of the Brits, were ordered to seize it, which they did in the most spectacular way imaginable: boarding it, burning it, and sending it over Niagara Falls. One American was killed and several were injured. (Let me just interject here: why oh why weren't we taught cool shit like this in Canadian history classes? Prior to this, I thought the most badass part of the the Rebellion of 1837 is when they threw Mackenzie's typewriter into the water). Anyway, the fact that MVB resisted the urge to retaliate is absolutely astounding. Kudos, good sir.

Low Points: (1) was at the helm when the Panic of 1837, which lasted for an agonizing six years. In fairness, a lot of this can be attributable to the failed monetary policies of his predecessor, Andrew Jackson, but it's way too complicated/boring to get into it (hint: something called the Specie Circular plays a prominent role). Still...

(Fun) Facts: (1) MVB's wife died some twenty years before he became President. Van Buren never re-married. Consequently (and creepily) Van Buren's daughter served as his de facto First Lady (squirm!).

(2) Known as "The Little Magician" (or, less charitably: "President Crazy Hair" or "The Old Dude That is Just a Little Too Affectionate with his Daughter").

(3) During an economic downturn, Whig party members were quick to dub him "Martin Van Ruin" which...doesn't even rhyme with "Buren." Good one! No wonder you guys went extinct 150 years ago...

(4) Ever heard of the Gold Spoon Oration (aka "The Regal Splendor of the President’s Palace")? Of course not--neither had I until two days ago. Basically, it was a three-day long speech about how Van Buren was a bit of a dandy and lived lavishly. A brief excerpt:

"The survey of smooth lawns and gently sloping meads, covered with rich coats of white and red clover and luxuriant orchard grass, made no delightful impression on their eyes. No, sir; mere meadows are too common to gratify the refined taste of an exquisite with sweet sandy whiskers. He must have undulations, beautiful mounds, and other contrivances, to ravish his exalted and ethereal soul. Hence, the reformers have constructed a number of clever sized hills, every pair of which, it is said, was designed to resemble and assume the form of an Amazon's bosom, with a miniature knoll or hillock on its apex, to denote the nipple."

(Nods uncomfortably while slowly backing out of the room.) I remain flabbergasted that, amongst all this petty filibustering going on (like, really, wasn't this smack in the middle of America's first big economic collapse?) that Congress in the 19th century accomplished anything. Amusingly, the speechmaker (Charles Ogle, a Whig Congressman from Pennsylvania) was shilling for soon-to-be President William Henry Harrison (the historical record is silent on whether or not Ogle died of shame roughly a year later.)

In Writing: seriously slim pickings here. Look for some up and coming historian to tackle MVB in the next few years, if only to fill the void. In the meantime, how about: John Niven's Martin Van Buren: The Romantic Age of American Politics (2000)?

In Popular Culture: (1) in possibly the randomest Seinfeld reference of them all, both Kramer and George are terrorize by the "Van Buren Boys," a gang of street toughs modelled after their presidential hero (according to Kramer the gang is apparently "every bit as mean as he was").

(2) He also (or rather, his likeness) makes an appearance in an episode of The Monkees.

(3) In Gore Vidal's fictional universe, he's Aaron Burr's illegitimate son...which would certainly explain the crazy hair.

(4) According to bathroom graffiti found on Capitol Hill during Krusty's term as Senator, MVB "is a weiner."

Test of Time: Seems to be falling in recent polls (from slightly below average to mediocre). No reason to think this won't continue. It's not as if his supporters (assuming they actually exist) can point to any one thing and say "see? He was a visionary!"

23. Calvin Coolidge (1923 - 1929)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Got out when the getting was good, leaving office a cool seven months before the market crashed. (2) Was wildly popular. (3) Reduced income tax across the board (although disproportionately in favour of the wealthy), if that's your sort of thing. Unfortunately, this did encourage widespread speculation...

Low Points: (1) Participant in the Kellogg-Briand Conference of 1928, which led to the Kellogg-Briand Pact (aka the Pact of Paris), arguably the most trivial agreement in the history of the world. In case you're not familiar with it, the treaty--which, I hasten to point out, contained no provisions for those that didn't abide by it (yes, one of those treaties) --banned war (officially, it "renounced" it "as an instrument of national policy"). Amazingly, it didn't quite pan out. I'm willing to give Coolidge the benefit of the doubt and assume that he just wanted a comped trip to Paris. If not, this is just incredibly embarrassing.

(2) vetoed (though he was later overridden by Congress) the Bonus Bill in 1924, which was to provide veterans of World War I a bonus that vested in 1944. When asked, he said the bill smacked of "sharing the wealth," and wouldn't stand for it, adding "they'd just waste it on morphine anyway."

(3) Was very much behind the curve on welfare state reforms, twice vetoing Farm Relief that would've established government cooperatives to buy up surpluses to sell overseas, something that was very much de rigeur under FDR. (4) Supported an Immigration Bill in 1924 that lowered the immigrant rate from 3% to 2%, capped total annual immigration at 150,000, and banned Japanese immigrants altogether. It's important to note that makes him like...every other President between 1850 and 1950, so it's kind of unfair for me to single old Silent Cal out, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the strong anti-nativist tendencies in the U.S. in at least one of these ten votes.

Fun Facts: (1) leads all Presidents in naps taken (suck it, Bush!)

(2) From America: The Book (p. 54):

"Coolidge still ranks as the quietest president of all time. Famously, a woman once approached him, saying, "I bet my friend I could get you to say more than two words," to which Coolidge wittily replied, "Fuck you.""

(3) Coolidge was summering in Massachusetts when Harding died and their place didn't have a phone, so White House officials had to be dispatched to notify him in the middle of the night that he was now President. Coolidge, totally shocked (he didn't even know Harding was ill), took the oath of office...and then went back to bed.

In Writing: No. Robert Sobel's Coolidge: An American Enigma (released in 1998 and cited approximately 300 times in Coolidge's Wikipedia entry) is probably your best option.

In "Popular" Culture: (1) "The Coolidge Effect." According to its Wikipedia entry, this is

"a phenomenon – seen in nearly every species in which it has been tested – whereby males show continuously high sexual performance given the introduction of new receptive females."

The article goes on to state:

The term comes from an old joke, according to which President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.
"Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," pointedly replied the First Lady.
The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, "Does each rooster service the same hen each time?"
"No," replied the farmer, "there are many hens for each rooster."
"Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.

Sadly, upon hearing this, Mrs. Coolidge immediately suffered a stroke and died the next day. (No, I just made that up.)

(2) The main character in the Japanese RPG Tales of Legendia (PS2, 2005) is Senel Coolidge. And before you say--as you are wont to do--that it's improbable that a game made by Japanese designers for Japanese gamers would include an homage to a largely forgotten American president, might I remind you that the running joke throughout the game is that Senel is a heavy sleeper? Aha! And President Coolidge loved to nap. Not only that, the real Coolidge slept every single night occasionally heavily, presumably)! Game, set, match.

Test of Time: fittingly enough for a President that, at no point, gave any indication he had any enthusiasm for the presidency, there has been no real historical heat for Coolidge of late. In an 1994 Siena University poll, he was ranked among the very worst (36th of 41). Recently, he's moved up to the mid-twenties range, which is about where he deserved to be. Americans during his reign simply wanted to get drunk, play ping-pong, and spend money well beyond their means, and Coolidge, for his part, was totally cool with that.

An interesting "what if?" is: what if Coolidge decided to run in 1928? Chances are, he probably would've won. To my mind, this would've been catastrophic for the American people, because, if you thought Hoover was inactive during the Depression, how do you think a guy whose most famous quote is "four-fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would only sit down and keep still" would've handled things?

Halfway home...and we're now only four presidents away from those 18 that can legitimately be considered competent.

Next: #22 - #19

"That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Four: The Won't Be Having an International Airport Named After Them Anytime Soon Crowd

See also: part one, part two, part three

So far:

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush (quick note: somehow I failed to include "Mission Accomplished" among the low points of his administration--whoops).
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon

30. Herbert Hoover (1929 - 1933): put it this way, the fact that there are twelve Presidents worse than Hoover is abjectly terrifying.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) From DeGrogorio (at 466): "as commerce secretary during Prohibition, he reportedly stopped off at the Belgian Embassy for drinks on his way home; because embassies technically are foreign territory, the practice was legal."--say what you want about his presidency (and I will!): that's kind of awesome. (2) Through the Reconstruction Finance Corporation (RFC), which was created in 1932, Hoover lent some $2 billion to ailing banks, insurance companies, and state governments. Laudable, yes, but given that he dawdled until the third year of the Depression, very much too little too late. (3) Indirectly responsible for my favorite Onion headline ever. (4) Deserves, at the very least, 5% of the credit for The Grapes of Wrath.

Low Points: [rubs hands together] Now, even I, a bona fide Hoover hater, cannot, in good conscience, blame him for the Great Depression. I can, however, rake him over the coals for exacerbating the situation. Take, for instance, the Agricultural Marketing Act of 1929, which created farm cooperatives to manage crop surpluses and was run on a shoestring budget. Basically, it's how FDR would've fought the Depression in '29...if FDR were a huge pussy. How about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff, which he signed (admittedly, with some trepidation, in 1930)? This protectionist tariff (the highest in the nation's history) set off a chain reaction of protectionist tariffs in other countries. I wish I could Quantum Leap into Hoover's SecTreas's body just so I could punch Hoover right in his stupid face (that's right, I'm calling you out, Andrew Mellon) for that one. Or the fact that Hoover kept reassuring people that the "worst was over" (in March 1930 and then again in May) despite it being obvious that the reverse was plainly true? Or the fact that he twiddled his thumbs for his first two years in office as more than a quarter of U.S. banks failed? Or the fact that he refused to provide direct federal aid to the unemployed, believing--against all reason--that trickle down measures would suffice? Or the events of the Bonus March?

And who can forget Hoovervilles (one of the rare occasions--like Mr. Madison's War, the Bush Doctrine, and Lou Gehrig's disease--where you don't want something named after you). There's more, too! Newspapers? Hoover blankets. That thing Mr. Monopoly does when he doesn't have any money is his pockets? Hoover flags.

(btw, file this under "and you thought things in 2008 were bad": during the Crash of '29, the Dow-Jones bottomed out at...41. That's forty-one.)

Fun Facts: (1) through what I can only assume was some sort of deal with the devil (although, in that case, wouldn't he have been a good President then?) Hoover got more powerful with age and, for a time (much to everyone's dismay) must have appeared immortal, destined to roam the earth vociferously denouncing whoever the current president happened to be--except for Truman, whom he was tight with. (Imagine a super-centenarian Dubya publicly blasting the Galactic President in 2056 and you're on the right track.) He eventually died in 1964 at the age of 90.

(2) In retrospect, delivered the most unfortunate nomination acceptance speech in history, as it included the following line:

"We in America today are nearer to the final triumph over poverty than ever before in the history of any land. The poorhouse is vanishing from among us...we shall soon with the help of God be in sight of the day when poverty will be banished from this nation."

Yeah, about that...

In Writing: since I went through a "bad politicians" phase in grad school (see also my paper on R.B. Bennett's lamentable tenure as PM--appended here in case you're ever having trouble sleeping), I've actually read dozens of books (most of them fairly poor) on Hoover. As it happens, David Kennedy's Freedom From Fear (#10 on my best books of the 90s list), provides some great insight into Hoover in its first 150 pages. FFF also contains a terrific (albeit almost certainly apocryphal) story involving an embattled Hoover asking an aide for a nickel, so that he could phone a friend. The aide casually flipped him a dime, observing "here, phone them both." (Zing!) And where else could you learn that they needed to hire seventy full-time staff members for the White House mailroom once FDR to took over, despite the fact that, during Hoover's term, all correspondence was handled by one person?

As for a full-fledged bio, I'd recommend David Burner's Herbert Hoover: A Public Life (1979), which is a bit too apologetic, but is still more even-handed than most accounts. (Here's a working draft of the first half of that Hoover paper--infuriatingly, I no longer have the final copy in my possession. Probably only worth reading for my epic 1,100 word footnote #3, which summarizes Hoover's time in office and the different historical factions looking at his work....which I assume contradicts what I've written about Hoover above in several places. Screw it.

In Popular Culture: Sherbert Hoover. That is all. Oh...and the guy that played Harold in the Harold and Kumar movies went to Herbert Hoover High in Glendale, California. According to Wikipedia, it's the only high school in the country named after a sitting president. (Him? Really??) I'm also 90% certain that the shocked guy with the monocle in the horse racing episode of The Simpsons is inspired by HH.

Come to think of it, it's pretty surprising that he hasn't been more of a target. Rich President who was tragically inept during the country's worst financial crisis? That's a slam dunk! He's ripe for the picking, folks. Fire away!

Test of Time: faring worse...and will continue to fare worse, largely because his presidency is forever destined to be contrasted with his successor (FDR). True, Roosevelt didn't "end" the Great Depression either, but, my God, did he ever try, writing cheques for virtually any half-baked proposal that found its way onto his desk.

29. Benjamin Harrison (1889 - 1893)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) signed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act into law in 1890 (though, given that it passed near unanimously--a combined 293-1 in Congress--he didn't really have much choice). Sure, it wasn't terribly strong (and was even further watered down by a Supreme Court decision in 1895--E.C. Knight Co.--that it, inexplicably, didn't apply to manufacturers) it was an indication that the government wouldn't totally roll over for big business.

(2) admitted a near-record six states (North and South Dakota, Idaho, Washington, Wyoming, and Montana). Hey, one out of six isn't bad...

Low Points: (1) looks exactly like the Architect in The Matrix Reloaded. Minus a thousand cool points, Harrison.

(2) Dullest. Inaugural. Address. Ever. Seriously.

(3) Signed the McKinley Tariff Act into law in 1890, described in pretty much every source I've ever looked at on the subject as "severely protectionist" (48%, a then--and I believe: still--peacetime high). Though he smartly chose not to name the tariff after himself, it was more or less universally reviled and contributed to his defeat in 1892 at the hands of Grover Cleveland. Somewhere, the ghost of Herbert Hoover is nodding in approval.

(4) That 1892 election, btw, was probably the most uninspired in American history, with neither candidate seeing fit to actually campaign--the first (and, unless you count the 2004 election, the only [rimshot]) time that's ever happened.

Fun Facts: (1) c/o Wikipedia:

"Harrison had electricity installed in the White House for the first time by Edison Electric Company, but he and his wife reportedly would not touch the light switches for fear of electrocution and would often go to sleep with the lights on."

Awesome.

(2) William Henry Harrison's grandson.

(3) Received 90,000 fewer votes than Cleveland, but carried the Electoral College 233 to 168. Congress immediately enacted legislation closing this loophole, and, so far as I remember, it was never an issue again...

(4) The earliest President to have his voice preserved (1889, by way of a phonograph), albeit in a form that makes it sound as if he is on horseback in a monsoon. Asked for comment, a dejected Thomas Edison groaned "it would've been so much better if I'd invented this in time for the Gettysburg Address. Harrison? Really?? He couldn't find his ass with both hands, a sextant, and this incandescent lightbulb I just invented."

In Writing: Hey Guys, Remember Me? Can You Believe I Was President for Four Whole Years?: The Memoirs of Benjamin Harrison by Benjamin Harrison The only thing of interest I could find was his volume in Arthur Schlesinger's President Series (the review deemed most helpful by Amazon goes with the following as a subject heading "Benjamin Harrison--decent but obscure"). It clocks in at a modest 224 pages, which still strikes me as at least 190 pages too long.

In Popular Culture: Nothing. You see?

Test of Time: Sandwiched in between the two Cleveland admins, Harrison is, arguably, the most anonymous President on record. Think about it--there's a zero per cent chance you knew he was from Indiana....or that he was a Brigadier General in the Civil War.

28. Jimmy Carter (1977 - 1981)

High Points/Accomplishments: Camp David Accords and amnesty for draft dodgers. I'm sure there's plenty more, but these are the two that jumped out at me.

Low Points: At the risk of conflating problems in America with problems during the administration in question--something I've been guilty of a bit thus far--the U.S. kinda went in the tank on Carter's watch. Certainly, it's unfair to blame for all of it, but, let's face facts, a lot of shit went down on his watch, including: stagflation, the energy crisis, the Iranian hostage crisis, and the supposed-to-be-inspiring-but-was-actually-horribly-depressing "malaise" speech in 1979. (Did you know that, in a particular feckless moment, he asked his entire Cabinet to step down the night of this speech? I did not. This strikes me as amazing. Was he drunk? Did his wife break-up with him? This is probably the #1 reason Americans don't let 17-year-olds run for President.)

And, in one of the most ill-advised moves in campaigning history (#1, always and forever, remains "allowing yourself to be swiftboated") Carter was interviewed by Playboy in the lead-up to the 1976 election (presumably, he was hoping to corner both the coveted "filthy pervert" and "horny kids under 16" demographic). This is the interview that yielded that famously stupid quote ("I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times."). Dude, you're running for President! Keep that creepy shit to yourself. Perhaps not surprisingly, Carter nearly squandered a whopping 30 point lead in the summer, winning (largely because Ford, in turn, couldn't keep his foot anywhere but squarely in his own mouth; notably: in firmly denying that Eastern Europeans were under Soviet rule in the second of three national debates) the popular vote by just over 1.5 million (out of over 80 million cast).

Fun Facts: (1) won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, the third President to do so. Guesses for the other two? At least one of them is surprising. Highlight the blank space for the answer. Woodrow Wilson (for his--failed, it goes without saying--efforts to form the League of Nations) and Theodore Roosevelt (for negotiating a "truce" between his smoking rifle and all the big game animals he killed on his post-presidency safari Actually, for his work on the incredibly obscure Portsmouth Treaty. Go on, guess which war it ended.)

(2) (this is true) Was so unknown that he nearly managed to stump the panel on a 1974 (note: two years before he was elected President) appearance on What's My Line?

(3) a speed-reader (he read four books a week on the job). Also screened two movies a week in the White House, which is pretty cool.

In Writing: Again, swing and a miss for me. Tentatively, I'll recommend the arrogantly titled Jimmy Carter: A Comprehensive Biography From Plains to Post-Presidency by Peter G. Bourne. The Unfinished Presidency (by one of my favorites, Douglas Brinkley) is supposed to be quite good.

In Popular Culture: his comedy routine ("Habitat for Hilarity") followed by his riot preventing break-dancing ("Got a brother named Billy / and my teeth look silly / Break it down, now...") in the outstanding "Behind the Laughter" episode of The Simpsons. ("It was an evening that none of them would ever forget ... or would they? No."). Classic stuff.

Test of Time: Tricky one. I don't see his presidency ever looking any better (see: Miracle), yet his post-presidency approval rating continues to soar. When he dies, I envision lavish tributes for everything after 1981 and then, almost as an afterthought, attention turning to his presidency, with speculation that he was a great man undermined by events beyond his control.

27. Chester A. Arthur (1881 - 1885)

High Points/Accomplishments: signed the Pendelton Act of 1883, which ushered in the modern era of civil service. Hence the rather prosaic nickname "The Father of Civil Service." This becomes ten times funnier when you discover that Arthur, prior to being President, slavishly adhered to the spoil system (and was, in many ways, a product of it).

Low Points: (1) Denied renomination (the last time this happened), with the Republicans going with Senator James G. Blaine (immortalized in Waiting for Guffman) instead. To turn the knife just a little bit more, Blaine had served as Arthur's SecState. Some have noted that Arthur (in a twist right out of The West Wing) had recently become aware that he had Bright's Disease (a then-fatal kidney ailment) and thus did not vigorously pursue renomination.

(2) Passed something called the Mongrel Tariff. I don't even know what the hell that is, but it sounds awful.

(3) Shares the same first name as the loser best friend of the Hardy Boys. Seriously dude, your superpower was having lots of new hobbies? Weak. (If you're in the mood to laugh, click here for the--allegedly real--proposed titles for never realized Chet Morton spin-off series.)

Fun Facts: (1) I just love this quote: "Chet Arthur, President of the U.S.! Good God!"--A New York political associate (seconded by...everyone in America).

(2) had never run for office prior to being nominated for the Vice Presidency (not even a mayoralty in small-town Alaska).

(3) Has the second shortest post-presidency tenure (just over eight months) on record (1st is Polk--the best one-term President in U.S. history*--who died a mere 104 days after leaving office).

* = which I'm somewhat narrowly defining as "serving only one term and no portion of another."

(4) A night owl, he rarely went to bed before 2 a.m. (that's my kind of President!)

In Writing: Chet Arthur and the Mystery of the Mongrel Tariff (hint: it's about smugglers) OK, I've actually got nothing here. Let's go with Thomas Reeves' Gentleman Boss: The Life of Chester A. Arthur (1975), which is said to be quite good.

In Popular Culture (soon to be renamed: "Presidential references in The Simpsons"): Ah, but you knew this one was coming. From "Lisa the Iconoclast":

Mr. Hurlbut (voiced by Donald Sutherland): Here's jonnycakes. Is everything okay? You look a bit flushed.
Lisa: It's just the excitement from studying Jebediah.
Mr. Hurlbut: Looks like you've come down with a serious case of Jebeditis.
Lisa: Just as I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis.
Mr. Hurlbut: [beat] [uncomfortable laughter] You had arthritis?
Lisa: [chuckles nervously] No.

Test of Time: You know what? That was all kind of harsh. In fairness, Arthur wasn't a terrible president (bonus fun fact: as recently as 1962, he was rated by historians as a better president than Eisenhower, who most now place in the top ten). Very much an afterthought now, if discussed at all, people would likely say that he was a decent President, but, in running away from the people that got him on the ticket (Republicans, political bosses, pirates--in that order) to pass civil service legislation, he blew all his political capital, and foreclosed any chance of doing something meaningful beyond that one (important) reform.

But, hell, that still makes him better than Hoover.

Next: #26 - #23.

"I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Three: The Still Pretty Awful

See also: part one, part two

So far:

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler

34. James A. Garfield (1881)

High Points/Accomplishments: Had he survived, probably would've been a force against corruption (or would've become corrupted by said system--it's really a toss-up at this stage).

Low Points: Involved in quite possibly the worst presidential election (note: not "most corrupt") in American history, in that both he and his opponent (Winfield S. Hancock--the S standing for "so obscure that I can almost guarantee that you've never heard of him") ran on virtually identical platforms. The one major difference? Garfield and the Republicans were in favor of a high tariff (and say what you want about elections today, but at least be grateful that they don't hinge on tariff issues, as seemingly every election between 1880 and 1908 did), while (hold on to your hats!) Hancock and the Democrats...favored a slightly lower tariff. Glad we cleared that up.

Fun Facts: (1) ambidextrous.

(2) only President to go directly from the House of Representatives to the presidency.

(3) Due to his untimely assassination ("untimely" probably being redundant there), 1881 is the second (and one hopes: the last) year on record where three Presidents served. Rutherford Hayes relinquished the office to Garfield in March, and Chester A. Arthur took over for Garfield on September 20th. Guesses for the other year? Highlight over the blank space that follows for the answer. 1841. Martin van Buren hands off to Harrison, who promptly dies, with Tyler swooping in.

(4) Would likely have survived his wounds, had his doctors not been so incompetent, as they repeatedly probed the wound with bare fingers and dirty instruments, thus giving Garfield blood poisoning.

(5) his assassin, Charles Guiteau--who killed the President because he wasn't given a diplomatic post--wrote Chester A. Arthur (who assumed the presidency) the day Garfield died, explaining why he killed Garfield (God told him to do it, essentially) and then proceeded to advise Arthur on selecting a new cabinet. Remember when assassins were able to flee the scene of the crime instead of being instantly riddled by bullets? Good times! (Follow up: turns out Guiteau was arrested--but not shot--as soon as he attacked Garfield. This means that he wrote his letter to Arthur while in prison. Which means...they let a presidential assassin correspond with the sitting president. Hmmmm.)

In Writing: The Dark Horse: The Surprise Election and Political Murder of James A. Garfield (2004) by Kenneth Ackerman. Who would have thought that a book that painstakingly detailed all 36 ballots at the 1880 Republican National Convention would be so sleep-inducing? Given that I nearly wrote my doctoral dissertation on dark horse candidacies (as in: had I done one, it would've been on that; not that I ended up writing an actual dissertation on something else or anything...) this was quite a disappointing revelation.

In Popular Culture: Inspiration for everyone's favorite lasagna-loving feline (note: very probably not true.) (Follow up: he's actually named after Jim Davis's grandfather.)

Test of Time: Again, no one particularly cares about Garfield. His admin was so short that most historians don't even bother to rank it.

33. Zachary Taylor (1849 - 1850): not to be confused with Zachary "Zach" Taylor, the Black Power Ranger, who, somewhat awkwardly, was black. Nice job there, FOX! Very original!

High Points/Accomplishments: Something called Clayton-Bulwer Treaty of 1850; opposed the extension of slavery....a position that would be significantly more impressive if he didn't personally own more than 100 slaves.

Low Points: may have died from a combination of heat stroke and a bad batch of cherries. Yikes.

Fun Facts: (1) DeGregorio on the first documented case of spam (at 180):

"After the nomination, the president of the [Whig] convention sent the nominee a letter of notification, without postage, a frequent practice of the period, which required the recipient to pay the amount due. Taylor, who had been receiving a large volume of such mail from admirers around the country, informed his local postmaster that he would henceforth accept only postage-paid letters. Thus the communication notifying him of his nomination languished in the dead letter office for weeks before the president of the convention realized what had happened and sent Taylor a second, prepaid notice."

(2) Just an educated guess, but I believe he has the shortest Wikipedia entry of any President.

In Writing: The Impending Crisis (my post-Jackson, pre-Lincoln catch-all). Standalone bio? No. Do people still even write about the Taylor Administration? An amazon search reveals--aside from slender volumes for a presidential series and children's books--...not really. Alright then.

In Popular Culture: shit...I already used the Power Ranger thing...

Test of Time: doomed (justifiably, I might add) to an eternity of being lumped among "mid-19th century Presidents that weren't Abraham Lincoln."

32. Ulysses S. Grant (1869 - 1877)

High Points/Accomplishments: You know, initially I had Grant ahead of Nixon (and both of them as orange--aka "still pretty terrible"--entries, but, upon further review, I had to drop him down a spot, since his Presidency (two terms! And they tried to nominate him for a third in 1880!) was an outright disaster. If we were rating the man (or the soldier), he'd be much higher--top ten for sure, but we're not (hence Reagan not appearing in the bottom ten). And, yes, the only reason I'm putting this comment here is so that someone skimming this entry might think he actually accomplished anything while in office (spoiler: he did not).

Low Points: The fact that his eight years in office were one giant scandal. Just to name a few: Black Friday (gold speculators James Fisk and Jay Gould attempt to corner the gold market, convincing many that Grant was on their side by hanging out with him repeatedly); Credit Mobilier Scandal (corrupt holding company--CM--tries to conceal the fact that they skimmed millions off of the construction of the Union Pacific Railroad by becoming even more corrupt, selling shares of their own company at cut-rate prices to key congressional and cabinet members); the Whiskey Ring (exactly what it sounds like); the Sanborn Scandal (under a bizarre scheme whereby he was allowed to keep half of all the delinquent taxes he collected, Treasury Department Special Agent John D. Sanborn manages to "earn" $200,000 ($3.6 million today)--this revelation leads to the abrupt resignation of SecTreas William Richardson)...and so forth.

Fun Facts: (1) Grant has the dubious distinction leading all Presidents in "number of times gone bankrupt" (it happened four times within the first 200 pages in Smith's bio and at least once after his presidency--an ill-fated brokerage firm that left Grant virtually penniless). I don't even think it's close. (2) Comically, Grant--one of America's finest generals--could not stand the sight of animal blood, to the point where he always ordered steaks well done. (3) His opponent in 1872, Horace Greeley, actually registered a historic zero electoral votes (this oddity is actually somewhat misleading, in that Greeley actually carried 6 states and would've received 66 votes in the college, but he died before the electoral votes were cast, thus freeing electors to split their votes among favorite sons.)

In Writing: The aforementioned bio by Jean Edward Smith (lost at the dentist's office). I only got to 1862 in the book--how did the war turn out? Was President Lincoln ok? ("He was fine, Ralph."). Grant's own memoirs are said to be fantastic--though it should be noted that they stop at the end of the war.

In Popular Culture: (1) Lamentably, Grant was a minor character in the hide-your-eyes bad Wild, Wild West (though, for the life of me, I can't seem to find who played him). Also: I'd totally forgotten Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh were in that. Yikes.

(2) In Buried My Heart at Wounded Knee, the Emmy winning HBO movie, Grant was portrayed by Fred Thompson. You may remember him as the guy that briefly (and remarkably poorly) ran for President last year. Remember when people thought he was the dream candidate? (OK, resume here once you've stopped laughing.)

Test of Time: A bit of a Grant (to my mind: unwarranted) resurgence of late. In both the the 1948 (28th out of 29) and 1962 (35th out of 36) Schlesinger polls, Grant trailed only Harding in terms of being the worst president on record. In three polls released in the last five years, he's finished 32nd, 35th, and 29th (WSJ), with some pointing to his admirable support for civil rights and that he's unfairly maligned for corruption in his administration that was beyond his control. I'm not buying, frankly. I could try to make an argument that, as General of the Union Army, he capably oversaw hundreds of thousands of men and thus should've been a better manager of disparate personalities in the White House, but I think it sort of mischaracterizes the issue. Grant was a soldier, not a politician. I don't even think he even wanted to be President. And even if he cared enough to try to curb D.C. cronyism (which, make no mistake, he did not), I don't think he would've been able to stop it.

31. Richard Nixon (1969 - 1974)

High Points/Accomplishments: A few things, surprisingly (this is the first time that "High Points" is getting anything close to a workout). Ended the war in Vietnam (we'll table the whole "bombing Cambodia into oblivion" thing for the moment); Normalized relations with China; signed the SALT (Strategic Arms Limitation Talks) Treaty with the Russians; implemented revenue sharing between the federal government and states/municipalities--a hundred years later, baseball followed suit; created the EPA; the ratification of the 26th Amendment (lowering the voting age to 18) though, despite his support, his role here wasn't exactly central. DeGregorio even points to the Moon landing as a feather in Nixon's cap, though I can't for the life of me understand why he deserves any credit for this (he doesn't cut their funding and, in exchange, they place a plaque bearing his name for the rest of time on the moon? Lame.) Of course, all of these positives are mitigated by the fact that...

Low Points: ...he was a piece of shit. Just an awful man. Want more? OK.

(1) Everything surrounding Watergate, obviously. You know when you probably should've realized you'd gone mad with power, Dick? When you allowed your Committee to Reelect the President run with the acronym CREEP. I won't re-hash (everyone knows the story anyway), except to say: has there been a less necessary political break-in than the plumbers busting into the DNC HQ? He beat McGovern by 18 million votes and won 49 states!;

(2) The Saturday Night Massacre (related, but not the same);

(3) The Enemies List;

(4) Went to Duke;

(5) Had the single worst Vice President (as a person, I'm talking about here) in American history (Spiro Agnew)--at least Aaron Burr could cling to the fact that he was a fucking lunatic. Never mind his "nattering nabobs of negativism" and "an effete corps of impudent snobs" talk. How about this? In his own autobiography, released eight years after he negotiated a sweetheart resignation arrangement despite a litany of misdeeds, Agnew claimed that he stepped down, not because he feared prosecution but because he thought that White House Chief of Staff Alexander Haig would have him murdered.

Fun Facts: (1) A tremendous poker player, to the point where he allegedly financed his first Congressional run with his winnings. (2) Look at his official portrait! My God, if ever someone were less qualified to mimic Mr. Rogers...disgraceful.

In Writing: if you want self-serving, there's always RN (Nixon's own memoirs). If you want florid (often uncomfortably so) prose, there's Richard Morris' The Rise of an American Politician. If you want one written from the perspective of a grown man who has obviously fallen in love with John F. Kennedy, there's Theodore White's The Making of the President, 1960. If you want a mind-numbing look at the daily minutiae of Nixon's life, there's Stephen Ambrose's seemingly-never-ending 3 volume set. If you want a great one-volume even-handed biography, send a cheque for $20 to 123 Does Not Exist Avenue, Faketown, America. Seriously, it's incredibly difficult to find an objective Nixon biography, largely, one assumes, because he was so polarizing (that means "reviled," right?). As a result, you tend to get a lot of hatchet jobs (although given his misdeeds, an objective bio could still resemble a hatchet job) commingling with occasional apologist accounts.

In Popular Culture: wow...wow...wow. Too much to chronicle, really. Quickly: best Nixon? Dan Hedaya in Dick. (He nailed it.) Worst (in a walk)? Anthony Hopkins in Nixon. (Remind me again why casting a Welshman as Nixon was a good idea? Anyway, it's probably more like 15% Hopkins' fault, 85% Oliver Stone's ridiculous script. I still can't believe I paid to see that.) And, no surprise, my favorite Nixon reference comes to us via The Simpsons:

Burns: Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [Smithers laughs] I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.

The two-part Seinfeld ep where Morty gets impeached also holds up quite well.

Test of Time: well, now, he's looking better by the President, isn't he? Hopefully this trend doesn't continue. That said, if you ever start to feel like Nixon is underrated, I implore you to check out the Nixon Tapes online. Once you've listened to them and then showered (twice ought to be enough--no more than three times) give me a call. We'll talk. It's going to be ok.

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