"I'm sorry too, Dmitri. I'm very sorry...All right! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are Dmitri..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Nine: The Near Greats

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven , part eight

So far (revised):

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Ronald Reagan
19. Bill Clinton
18. George Bush
17. William McKinley
16. Grover Cleveland
15. John Adams
14. Dwight Eisenhower
13. John F. Kennedy
12. James K. Polk
11. James Madison
10. James Monroe

OK...I've got five guys that fall into the near-great category, with the remaining four making up the rarefied "great" group.

9. Andrew Jackson (1829 - 1837)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Did a great job during the nullification crisis in enforcing federal laws (ominously and effectively warning South Carolinians contemplating non-compliance and possible secession that "disunion by armed force is treason. Are you ready to incur its guilt? If you are, on the heads of the instigators of the act be the dreadful consequences; on their heads be dishonor, but on yours may fall the punishment.")

(2) Probably the first truly strong executive, Jackson vetoed more bills (12) than the previous six Presidents combined.

(3) Though it was arguably completely extra-legal, Jackson's "kitchen cabinet" (which was comprised of his friends, held meetings in the White House kitchen, and more or less replaced the actual cabinet) was shit cool.

(4) Survived an assassination attempt when his assailant's gun (a derringer) misfired...and then his replacement gun (again, a derringer--not great advertising for them) also misfired. At trial it was discovered that both guns were working properly, meaning there was roughly a 1 in 350 chance of it misfiring. For it to happen twice in a row puts the odds of Jackson not being shot at least once at about 1 in 125,000. Wild, no?

Low Points: (1) Trail of Tears (totally indefensible).

(2) He's generally held to be responsible for introducing the maxim "to the victor go the spoils" in U.S. politics, replacing many government officials with his cronies. (Contemporary studies reveal that Jackson only replaced about 15% of the federal work force, but that was more than enough to create a major stir in D.C.) (2) The more I read about Jackson, the harder for me it is to avoid the conclusion that he was--at least partially--insane. (Maybe it was all the dueling? I can't say for certain.) Witness his war against the Bank of the United States (which he viewed--no doubt rightly--as an elitist, east coast biased institution). So, anyway, Jackson vetoed the recharter of the Bank (which was totally within his purview), which, in effect, sealed the bank's fate. However, not content to let the bank die a slow death, Jackson went out and actively sought to destroy it by withdrawing $11 million in funds ($225 million today) and depositing it in various state banks. I dunno, that's always struck me as kind of hardcore.

(3) Appointed colossal asshole Roger Taney, author of the majority decision in Dred Scott v. Sandford--aka the single worst Supreme Court decision in American history--to the bench.

Fun Facts: (1) Involved in (to my mind) one of the sadder events in American history: The Battle of New Orleans. For those that don't remember/don't really care about their War of 1812 history (file me in the latter category): basically what happened was that, in late 1814, the British and the Americans hammered out a Treaty (of Ghent) to end hostilities. The treaty was signed on December 24th. Just over two weeks later, before word of the treaty had arrived in the U.S., General Jackson and his men absolutely routed the red coats, killing 300 with persistent rifle fire (and injuring roughly seven times more than that) ...which is perhaps not surprising, given that the opposite side was openly brandishing white flags, procuring signed copies of the treaty, with lawyers in tow (I'm kidding of course--they obviously didn't know it was over either).

(2) As you probably know, in 1806, Jackson challenged Charles Dickinson (a lawyer) to a duel for disparaging comments Dickinson had made about Jackson's wife (it's a long and drawn out tale, but for our purposes, all you need to know is that when Jackson married his wife, he thought she was divorced when, in actuality, she had only filed for divorce). Dickinson got off the first shot, nailing Jackson in the chest. Thinking the duel was over (what with Jackson about to die and all), Dickinson started to walk away (or perhaps began some sort of celebratory dance--the history books are silent on this point), but Jackson--amazingly, still standing up straight despite unimaginable pain--proclaimed that the duel was not over. DeGregorio continues (p.110):

At the insistence of Jackson's second, Dickinson returned to his mark. Although it was commonplace for a man in Jackson's position to spare his opponent by firing into the air.

To which I say: wait, wait, wait...so, even though Dickinson had shot (and nearly fatally wounded) Jackson, Jackson was still supposed to take the high road? The hell? I must confess, I don't think I'll ever fully understand the Southern Code of Gentility.

Related fun fact: Craig Simpson, history professor extraordinaire at Western, acts out this duel every year in his U.S. history courses. On two occasions, I even participated, playing Jackson both times. Professor Simpson, ever the good sport, always insisted he be Dickinson. What a guy.

(3) There's a great story involving Jackson and his then-VP John C. Calhoun (a staunch states'-rights advocate who would eventually resign--along with Spiro Agnew, the only VP to do so--over his disagreement with the administration's handling of the nullification crisis) at a White House dinner celebrating Jefferson's birthday in 1830. Asked to make a toast, AJ stood up and said:

"Our Federal Union--it must be preserved!"

Not to be outdone, Calhoun jumped up and offered the following counter-toast:

"The Union--next to our liberty, the most dear!"

At this point, Jackson shot Calhoun through the heart, mortally wounding him.

(4) The Peggy Eaton Affair. If you're wondering why AJ eschewed his actual cabinet, look no further than this bizarre saga. The gist of it being that Peggy Timberlake was rumored to be having an affair with John Eaton (a close friend of Jackson's and his Secretary of War) when her husband (a naval engineer) died at sea. Rather unsubtly, Eaton and Timberlake were wed two months later, adding much fuel to the fire. As a result, Washington society--dickishly--ostracized the new Mrs. Eaton. Heading this campaign was VP John C. Calhoun's wife. Jackson, who went through something similar with his wife (see Fun Fact #2) was furious, and demanded that all cabinet members and their wives treat Eaton with courtesy. Save for SecState Martin Van Buren (a widower), all refused. Eaton eventually resigned, but the damage to Jackson's relationship with his cabinet had already been done. Anyway, all of this seems like a rather large overreaction when you consider that this was an era where people routinely married their first cousins, but whatever...

(5) In what can only be described as the most satisfying election victory this side of Bartlett-Ritchie, Jackson soundly defeated Henry Clay (the man largely responsible for throwing the 1824 election to JQA--the first of the three so-called "corrupt bargains" in U.S. history) in 1832, winning 219 out of possible 286 electoral votes.

In Writing: Oddly, no, even though Jackson is a riveting figure. When I do, I'll likely go with Schlesinger's The Age of Jackson series.

In Popular Culture: Man, I dunno...The Jackson statue in D.C. is pretty sweet. Also, he was played by Charlton Heston in 1953's The President's Lady (about AJ's early years), which sounds...about right.

Test of Time: He's actually dropped a bit (Schlesinger's '62 poll has him 6th out of 31--now he only cracks the top ten about half the time), but I think he'll always be remembered fondly, largely for being the first POTUS to show some balls in dealing with Congress.

8. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963 - 1969): and, I won't lie, it kind of breaks my heart he isn't higher (though, for the record, this is full five places higher than he usually finishes--average ranking in the last ten polls dating to 1982 is 13.7). No President has (and, I'm willing to bet, will ever have) higher highs and lower lows than my man LBJ.

High Points/Accomplishments: The War on Poverty (including school reform, a volunteer peace corps, the job corps, and the Economic Opportunity Act); Medicare and Medicaid; Environmental Protection; The Highway Safety Act; The Fair Packaging and Labelling Act (more important than you think, actually); and, oh yeah, the most impressive civil rights reform in one hundred years, which included: The Civil Rights Act of 1964 (barring discrimination in public places), the Voting Rights Act of 1965 (outlawing discriminatory--read: blatantly racist--tests implemented at the polls to disenfranchise black voters), and the Civil Rights Act of 1968 (barring discrimination in the sale and rental of housing--actually, it's eerily similar to a JFK bill--which set out to accomplish the exact same thing five years earlier...except it actually worked. Jesus, I sounded like Sarah Palin there.) Enough? Is the Great Fucking Society not enough for you? (I know, I know...the other thing:)

Low Points: sigh...obviously (obviously, obviously) Vietnam. There's no way of getting around it: it was a fucking disaster, predominantly because of the catastrophic loss of life (58,000 on the American side, untold millions of Vietnamese), but also (at the risk of seeming a little bit insensitive, though it's definitely not my intention) because it derailed the greatest domestic program since the New Deal. I could try to mount a half-hearted defense on LBJ's behalf, noting that Congress totally abdicated responsibility when they gave him carte blanche in the wake of the Gulf of Tonkin incident, or that he started small there initially (amazingly, only 3,500 marines...but a whopping 550,000 less than three years later) and never wanted to escalate things, or that America's involvement in Southeast Asia tormented him for the rest of his years, but, no, it's on him. It's on him. And it's why he can never be considered a great President.

Fun Facts: (1) Somewhat hilariously, was known as "Landslide Lyndon" for several years as a result of his 87 vote win (out of about a million cast) in his 1948 Senate run.

(2) Say what you want about him, but we should all be thankful that he beat the terrifying Barry Goldwater (he of the famed "I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue" quote; the guy who routinely talked about a "limited nuclear war"; and the reason this ad was run) in 1964. Trust me, we might not be here if we didn't (or, at the very least, I might be living Fallout 3 instead of playing it.)

(3) Hobbies included scaring the living hell out of guests to his Texas Ranch by driving his jeep around at 90 mph and just generally tormenting people. (LBJ patented at least two disturbing intimidation tactics: first, he would talk to someone he was trying to influence in his swimming pool, slowly drifting said person, unbeknownst to them, out into the deep end--where they had to tread water--while he was stationed firmly in the shallow end. Second, he make interns take meetings with him while he was on the toilet. I think he was just being a dick with that one.)

(4) First sitting President to meet the Pope. (Thankfully, no swimming involved.)

(5) Arguably the coolest portrait of them all. That is all.

In Writing: I know I've shilled for him a few different times now here, but, again, let me stress: you will never find a better multi-volume biography (politician or otherwise) than Robert Caro's The Years of Lyndon Johnson (three so far, with Caro working on #4). If you don't have them, borrow volume one (The Path to Power) from the library. If you do have them (Jesse), start reading them already!

In Popular Culture: (1) From "Bart the Fink":

Bart: Mom, I just saw Krusty!
Marge: Yes, dear, in your mind.
Bart: No, on the street.
Marge: On the street in your mind.
Bart: Why won't you believe me?
Marge: Sweetheart, sometimes when people die, you just want them to be alive so badly you see them everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

(2) This stretches the definition of "popular" beyond recognition, but, when I was a grad student and just before the 2004 election, Misha set up an interview with me to talk about U.S. politics for his radio program. The interview was set for a Sunday morning and, predictably, I went out and got absolutely demolished the night before, with the result being that I was still probably legally drunk by the time Misha and I got to talking. I recall me being quite profane and the whole conversation descending into a NSFW laugh riot. Anyway, at one point (as Misha reminds me), I let loose with an expletive-laden rant about how LBJ was ten times the President RR ever was. A heavily edited version of said interview eventually aired on 106.9, though I didn't catch it.

(3) In an early season Seinfeld ep, Jerry claims that LBJ is ugliest world leader ever, narrowly edging out Charles de Gaulle.

(4) Plays a minor role in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.

(5) If you're interested in a really good look at LBJ and Vietnam, check out HBO's The Path to War, which aired a few years ago (there should be a torrent out there somewhere). Michael Gambon (yes, Dumbledore in HP3) plays Johnson and Alec Baldwin is Robert McNamara. Really, really good history.

Test of Time: Part of me thinks he'll eventually get his due, part of me thinks he's screwed forever because of Vietnam. Comparisons to Bush II (which, interestingly, are barely even appropriate since, by most objective standard, Vietnam was approximately 100 times worse than the Iraq situation) are obviously never good. We'll see.

7. George Washington (1789 - 1797): never quite understood (and I'm being serious) America's love affair with GW. Really, I don't.

High Points/Accomplishments: Remember that fake quote I used from Jefferson (c/o of America: The Book) in my JQA write-up? Basically, the gist of it was that it was borderline impossible not to invent something back in the 1700s. Well...that applies double to the GW administration. Anyway, high points: the conventions he followed led the establishment of what we now know as the cabinet; he didn't get greedy--stepping down after two terms even though he easily could've stayed on longer; and kept the U.S. out of war during the tumult in France.

He also helped pass the Bill of Rights in 1791, which comprised the first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution, including #2 (thanks for that!). Also, in 1795, aided in the ratification of the 11th Amendment, which forbade a person from one state suing another state (um...ok. Was that a major issue in the 18th century?)

Low Points: Nothing, really. (Well, ok...though this one isn't, strictly speaking, POTUS-related, but he did own slaves. Like, a lot of them. Like 150+.)

Fun Facts: (1) Note: technically, anything GW did in office was a presidential first. No, I'm not going to list them.

(2) Privately remarked that he didn't expect the Constitution to last twenty years.

(3) Did you know that Washington's Farewell Address (the one warning against political parties) was never actually delivered orally? Apparently, Washington was a terrible public speaker (and could only do it at all from a prepared text) and thus he had no interest in doing one more big speech. Consequently, it was published in a Philadelphia paper without being spoken.

In Writing: He plays a semi-prominent role in David McCullough's 1776, but for a full-scale bio, I'd recommend, James Flexner's George Washington: The Indispensable Man.

In Popular Culture: (1) old (racist?) joke my dad told me:

Q: What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?
A: They're the last three white guys to have those last names.

[Pause for laughter]

(2) America: The Book, under "Founding Father Fact and Fiction" (p.26):

The Legend: The young George Washington chops down a cherry tree, then famously confesses, "I cannot tell a lie. I did it."
What really happened: believe it or not, this myth is actually true. Washington was famously honest, even to the point of rudeness, as evidenced by his remark to Betsy Ross when she presented her first, more "avant-garde" design for the American flag: "I cannot tell a lie, Betsy: is that a flag or did your sewing kit throw up?"

(3) Famously played by Ralph Wiggum in the President's Day Pageant.

(4) First guy on the list to appear on Mount Rushmore.

(5) Has a national capital, a giant phallus, a state (btw, it's the only state named after an American--care to hazard a guess on the six other states named for people?), and three universities (George Washingon University, Washington and Lee, and Washington University in St. Louis) named after him, and has been played in films by both the fake mayor of NYC (Spin City's Barry Bostwick), the annoying cop on House (David Morse), and Frasier Crane. Suck it, Adams.

Test of Time: Gee...what do you think? America will legalize same-sex marriage between a man and his pet turtle (and then allow that couple to adopt) before they turn on GW. In the twelve major polls listed by Wikipedia, GW has never finished outside the top four, is in the top three eight of those times, and finished first twice. That this ranking is completely divorce from reality apparently troubles no one, so I won't dwell on it. He's a rock star. Always will be.

6. Thomas Jefferson (1801 - 1809): frankly, I find TJ to be absolutely maddening, but I think #6 is just right for him (originally, he was 5th).

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) The Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expedition that followed. Abolished the slave trade in 1807 (as in: the official importation of African slaves was no longer legal, which isn't the same as saying, say, "slavery is illegal" or "no slaves made their way into the U.S. between 1808 and 1865"). And...you know what? Not much else. For someone that's lauded as one of the greatest Presidents ever (in the last ten major polls dating back to 1982, he's finished 4th, 5th, 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 4th, 7th, 4th, 5th, 4th, for an average rank of 4.3), he really didn't do a whole heck of a lot. You could point to the Tripolitan War from 1801-1805 (where Jefferson waged a war against Barbary pirates because he was tired of the U.S. Navy being forced to pay tribute) as a high point, but then you'd need to note that the U.S. continues to pay tribute to three other Barbary nations for ten more years--making the war, by my count, only 25% successful.

(2) OK...and this:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Sometimes I'll forget how awesome this is...and then I'll stumble on some interminable Senate speech (or, like, any inaugural address from 1809 to 1857) and I remember all over again. Bonus 1,000 cool points.

Low Points: (1) First President to claim executive privilege, which is a bit of a downer.

(2) Furious that the American ships were routinely boarded and looted (one presumes, purely for shits and gigs) by the French and British during the Napoleonic Wars, TJ--in a massive overreaction--passed the Embargo Act in December, 1807, which stipulated that no U.S. ship was permitted to sail to foreign ports and no foreign ship would be allowed to unload cargo at American ports. Apparently not possessing even a rudimentary understanding of world geography, Jefferson somehow believed that this policy would cripple France and Britain, forcing them to come begging to the US to resume trade, in exchange for neutrality at sea. Anyway, as you might imagine, France and GB got by just fine during the embargo since they were free to trade with any number of the dozens of countries nearby while American merchants went broke. After fourteen months, Jefferson partially lifted the embargo, but historians agree this cost the country about $10 million in lost customs revenue.

Fun Facts: (1) did you know his affair with Sally Hemming (his slave) lasted for thirty-eight years? Me neither.

(2) His White House wine bill for his eight years in office was $10,000 (about $130,000 today...I'll be honest, I was hoping it'd be a lot more).

(3) As you might've heard, every Democratic President in the past 100 years has been totally gaybones for Jefferson. Of particular note is JFK's remark to an assortment of bright minds to a White House dinner: "you gentlemen are the finest group of genius and talent to sit at this table since Thomas Jefferson dined alone." Anyway, it's all very tiresome...

In Writing: Slowing working my way through American Sphinx (1998) by Joseph J. Ellis, which has been a bit of a struggle (it's a bit dry so far).

In Popular Culture: (1) Some more gems from Jefferson's forward to America: The Book (x -xi):

When America (The Book) first approached me about penning the foreword to their tome, I was surprised. Firstly, the foreword is not my bailiwick, but rather the Declaration. Forgive my conceit, but if one is looking to introduce a grand composition with a pithy and clear pronouncemnt, my declaratives are second to none. "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness..." Google it if ye doubt the claim! Also of some concern, I have been dead for...oh, lord, has it really been 178 years? My goodness, time certainly flies when you are no longer consigned to your earthly vessel.

Notwithstanding, Irv over at Warner Books sent me some galleys, and I have to say...funny. Not John Winthrop's A Comparative Treatise on the Most Unusual of Distinctions 'Twixt the Fairer of Species and Her Masculine Counterpart Funny...but funny. Of course, Sally was less enthused. "You are the author of the Declaration of Indepedence. A scholar. A statesman. This is beneath you. It's not even network." But truth be told, I was itching to get back to the quill and paper, and declaration work is not as steady as it used to be. Sally may not like it, but as we used to say in the back parlours of 18th-century Paris, "tough titties."

And:

Not that we weren't awesome. We wrote the Constitution in the time it takes you nimrods to figure out which is the aye button and which is the nay. But we weren't gods. We were men. We had flaws. Adams was an unbearable prick and squealed girlishly whenever he saw a bug. And Ben Franklin? If crack existed in our day, that boozed-up snuff machine would weigh 80 pounds and live outside the Port Authority. And I had slaves. Damn, I can't believe I had slaves!

Finally:

p.s. oh, and is it true Halle Berry is once again single? If so, I'd be forever in your debt if you put in a good word for T.J. Oh how I loves the mochachina.

Test of Time: A top five guy (everywhere but here...and a 1999 CSPAN poll placing him 7th). The love affair with Jefferson, it's safe to say, will never end. And, if that causes people to view his presidency somewhat more favourably than it actually was, so be it. He's done enough that I'll give him a pass here.

5. Harry S. Truman (1945 - 1953)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) dropping the bomb (to the extent that it succeeded in ending the war). Granted, this depends on: whether or not you accept that this was an appropriate response to what many view as the "total war" waged by Japan; if you believe that it would have cost 250,000 American lives to invade mainland Japan (the low estimate Truman was given), 1,000,000 lives (the high estimate), somewhere between 30,000 and 50,000 (estimates provided by historians), or if you believe the fundamental immorality of the act outweighs the human calculus.

(2) Had a real Muderer's Row of a cabinet (at various points: George Marshall, Henry Morgenthay, Fred Vinson, Henry Stimson, James V. Forrestal, Robert A. Lovett, Thomas Clark, Harold Ickes, Frances Perkins, and Henry A. Wallace).

(3) Recognized Israel;

(4) helped create the UN;

(5) approved the Marshall Plan (arguably the greatest charitable act in U.S. history);

(6) Reined MacArthur in during the Korean War when he (MacArthur) went insane and publicly stated that the Army should expand its operation into China, then--awesomely--fired Mac.

(7) The Fair Deal (slum clearance, increasing the minimum wage, expanding social security). Doesn't have the same ring as "New Deal" (actually, it sounds an awful lot like an inferior sequel trying to cash in on the box office success of its predecessor), but it did the trick;

(8) The Truman Doctrine (a policy to support free people resisting or threatened by repressive forces) was firm without being balls-out aggressive (which is kind of refreshing).

Low Points: (1) I always go back and forth on this one, so: the bomb. Yes, it did help end the war (see previous category), but this is mitigated by the fact that: (a) a lot of people died as a result, (b) I'm not so sure the U.S. couldn't have accomplished the same thing by threatening to drop the bomb, (c) I'm not so sure the U.S. couldn't have accomplished the same thing by dropping the bomb in the ocean, or, at the very least, in a less densely populated area, (d) Ultimately, I'm not sure if anything was actually gained as a result of dropping the bombs, since the once thing the Japanese insisted upon and the U.S. refused to cede pre-A-bomb--mainly, that the Emperor be kept in place--was eventually granted to Japan. So...

(2) Was prone to being just a little bit rash at times (see, for instance, his ill-fated--and totally illegal--attempt to seize the steel mills during a 1952 strike). (3) Sort rolled over on the whole Red Scare thing, kowtowing to McCarthy with the creation of Loyalty Oaths for all government officials. (4) NSC-68. Near hysterical in its portrayal of the communist threat, this document became, in effect, the blueprint for the Cold War

Fun Facts: (1) The "S." in his middle name stands for nothing at all.

(2) Aside from cabinet meetings, as VP, Truman met with FDR exactly twice.

(3) Aside from during "the social season" (brief research on my part could not uncover what, exactly, this refers to), First Lady Bess Truman didn't live in the White House (which she found stifling due to the lack of privacy), instead making camp in the family home in Independence, Missouri.

In Writing: Again, repeating myself, but David McCullough's Truman is a wonderful, wonderful book. It's impossible not to fall a little in love with Truman upon completion.

In Popular Culture: (1) Truman's predicted defeat at the hands of Thomas Dewey in 1948 is parodied in "Lisa's Substitute," with Martin brandishing a newspaper reading "Simpson Defeats Prince." (Note: America: The Book asserts that the Chicago Tribune never retracted the erroneous headline, instead writing articles as if Dewey were President for the next four years.)

(2) Also according to The Simpsons: Truman authorized the printing of the trillion dollar bill.

(3) Played by Gary Sinise in a TV movie.

(4) His daughter, Margaret Truman, wrote mysteries under the pen name P.J. McGregor set in and around Washington, D.C. (like Eric Wilson, except not involving the West Edmonton Mall). Bonus fun fact: it's a long-standing rumor that these (I'm guessing, since I only heard about them ten minutes ago) wildly unpopular books were ghost-written by Donald Bain (aka, the guy who writes the Murder, She Wrote books...and did you know there were MSW books? There are! 32 of them, in fact! An impressive/troubling nine in the past three years, actually.)

Test of Time: Left the White House with the lowest approval rating in history (statement only valid until January 19, 2009), but history has been quite kind to HST. In those same ten polls I referenced for Jefferson, Truman finished 8th twice, 7th seven times, and 5th once. Expect this trend to continue.

Four to go. Feel free to speculate on their placement...

Next: #4 - #1

"My question is about the budget, sir..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Eight: The...Oh, My God!...These Guys Actually Seem to Know What They're Doing!

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven

(In my best "TV anchor from Arrested Development voice: "I blew it!")

Alright, so I fucked up. I've been trying to justify placing Reagan ahead of both Clinton and Bush 41 and, despite numerous attempts at rationalizing it (you can't overstate the importance of ending the Cold War; he restored America's faith in America; relying on past presidential polls, which always place RR ahead of WJC and B41), I keep coming up with counter-arguments (yeah but, he was so reckless in the early 80s and, in many ways, made the Russia Problem so much worse--the fact that Communism fell should really be attributed to internal stuctural problems anyway; re: faith? Really? Did he? Despite his popularity on January 20, 1989, Reagan, arguably, did more than anyone since Nixon to divide the country; if I'm just going to follow past rankings, what's the point in even doing this?), plus people (Jesse, Shuk, Fernando) have all made good points (Jesse's comment consists entirely of him saying "REALLY??") in railing against the rankings. So, in true Joe Quimby fashion, I've had a change of heart and I'm dropping RR to 20th, just behind Clinton and I'm retroactively designating Reagan and Clinton as "average" instead of "still pretty lousy" (when this is all done, I'm going to compile all ten posts into one uber-list which no one will ever read. That one will have the entries in the correct order. But, for the time being, I'm simply going to note the changes in the running count and leave the original posts intact).

So far (revised):

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding (...and did you know that, of all hundreds of thousands of more accomplished people in American history, it was Warren Harding who--rather improbably--coined the term "Founding Father"? Apparently, he did. At the 1916 RNC. Wow.)
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Ronald Reagan
19. Bill Clinton
18. George Bush
17. William McKinley
16. Grover Cleveland
15. John Adams

Onto the next five...

14. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953 - 1961)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Just a massive vote-getter, really, racking up 899 electoral votes out of a possible 1,161 in his two national races. Admittedly, he did have the benefit of running against Adlai Stevenson twice (a man I greatly admire but who was no politician). (2) created the Interstate Highway System in 1956, in exchange for a written declaration assuring him that every single mile of highway in America be named after him for the rest of time. (3) Ended the Korean War in July 1953. In a Gallup poll later that month, 46% of Americans responded "there was a war going on in Korea?" (4) Appointed Earl Warren as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Low Points: (1) You know, you can call it "brinksmanship" to try and class it up, but I'm always going to think of it as "we're going to behave as if we're batshit crazy in the hopes that you're too terrified to ever even think of bombing us. New Look, Schmew Look. All I'll say is that they borrowed a page out of Hitler's playbook (look it up), which is never a good thing.

(2) Responsible for the Eisenhower Doctrine (U.S. asserting its right to aid any country threatened by Communist affression or subversion--basically, all the stuff in The Good Shepherd that made you squeamish...sex scenes between Jolie and Damo excluded) and the Domino Theory (all countries, even small ones, need to be protected from Communism, lest one fall and start a chain reaction). And, yeah, you could spin this as a good thing (keeping America safe, etc.) but I've always found (and, admittedly, it's easy enough for me to say this in 2008 when the war is over and we all realize that the Communist threat was always far scarier in the average American's imagination than it actually was, but indulge me...) that these policies needlessly intensified Cold War tensions. Also, this:

(3) From his Farewell Address in 1961:

"This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence — economic, political, even spiritual — is felt in every city, every statehouse, every office of the federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society. In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals so that security and liberty may prosper together."

I'm sorry. Are you referring to the complex that you played a massive role in creating, that you oversaw, and that you built up? OK, just checking. Never quite understood why he's viewed as a prophet, when really the speech amounted to "you know that thing I've been doing for the past eight years? We may want to look into not doing it anymore. Later!" (4) was totally a pussy w/r/t McCarthyism.

Fun Facts: (1) (and I swear to God this is true) did not dress himself when he was President.

(2) Wanted desperately to be a baseball player, but was actually a much better footballer. Played for Army when he went there, and famously played against the Jim Thorpe-led Carlisle Indian School squad in a 1912 showdown (as chronicled in the recommended The Real All-Americans by Sally Jenkins).

(3) finished 11th on Gallup's 1999 list of Widely Admired People, just behind Churchill and one spot ahead of Jackie O. Ike finished two spots ahead of Gahndi, btw, which is an issue in its own right, but, just for the moment...Gandhi finished one spot lower than Jackie O? Really?? Mohandas Gandhi? Did she participate in a hunger strike that I'm not aware of? I mean, that's two spots higher than Mandela.

(4) Had seven heart attacks (one in the White House, six after), but survived them all.

(5) Had a putting green installed in the backyard of the White House. Sweeeet. Also: was something like a ten to fifteen-handicap. Not bad. And had a hole-in-one in 1968 at the age of 78.

(6) When working for the Army, he smoked four packs a day. Isn't that 100 cigarettes? I'll be honest, I don't even know how you find time to smoke 100 cigarettes a day if that's the only thing you're doing, let alone if you're the Supreme Allied Commander of the Allied Expeditionary Force. (He quit--cold turkey--in 1949.)

In Writing: I slogged through both volumes of Stephen Ambrose's Ike bio (note that Eisenhower made a point of requesting Ambrose's services, something that always raises an eyebrow with me). Volume 1 (basically: the pre-Presidency years) was entertaining enough (particularly because he worked under--and later served as a foil to--legendary prick General Douglas MacArthur...and because the stuff on the "Draft Eisenhower" campaign--remember, both parties wanted Ike to run in '53--is fascinating), but volume 2 was a big, dull dud, with Ambrose, perhaps concerned that there wasn't enough to talk about during Eisenhower's eight years in the Oval Office, opting for virtually a day-by-day account of Ike's presidency. In summation: mild thumbs up for volume one, thumbs way down for volume two.

In Popular Culture: (1) the Eisenhower Tree [dusts off hands triumphantly];

...oh, (2) and was played by Magnum P.I. in a TV movie.

Test of Time: I've got Ike ranked considerably lower than most (he was ranked 12th in a 1990 Siena survey, but, since then, he hasn't finished outside the top ten in any of the last six major polls), largely because I feel strongly that he put America on a dangerous path...a fact that's often ignored since people were so fond of Eisenhower personally.

13. John F. Kennedy (1961 - 1963): sorry, Jesse. Part Nine should be out later this week--you can check back then.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) (begrudgingly) the Cuban Missile Crisis--to the extent that the world didn't actually end, JFK deserves some credit. (More on this in a sec.)

(2) Inaugural address: timeless.

(3) This:

"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard..."

and:

"Many years ago the great British explorer George Mallory, who was to die on Mount Everest, was asked why did he want to climb it. He said, "Because it is there." Well, space is there, and we're going to climb it, and the moon and the planets are there, and new hopes for knowledge and peace are there. And, therefore, as we set sail we ask God's blessing on the most hazardous and dangerous and greatest adventure on which man has ever embarked. Thank you."

(For my money, this is even better than the inaugural. Full text here.)

(4) Nuclear Test Ban Treaty and the founding of the Peace Corps.

Low Points: (1) Can we talk about all the possible ways the Cuban Missile Crisis could've gone wrong? I'm still not sure if publicly accusing the Soviets was the best course of action (without that speech, arguably, this time period is remembered differently, if at all)...or the that the "quarantine" was, pretty clearly, a blockade, and thus an act of war. (Hmmm...that's only two points...I could swear I had more). Let me say that, by and large, I do think he did a good job managing the crisis, just so long as we recognize that, handled differently (read: more privately), there mightn't have been a crisis at all.

(2) I'm also calling bullshit on JFK being some sort of civil rights trailblazer. What I find ironic is that he actually made a speech saying, in effect, "look, we need stop being all talk and no action," yet was himself all talk on the matter. Note how timid (or, worse: unwilling) he was in dealing with stubborn Southern Governors, his hemming and hawing before finally (a dozen days later)sending in the National Guard when James Meredith was barred entry into the University of Mississippi in '62 (in fairness, he reacted far more swiftly when the same thing happened at the University of Alabama the next year), and generally dragging his feet (largely, it's been presumed, because it was politically expedient for him to do so) for 2+ years before (sort of) swinging into action in the summer of '63. (And we won't even get into how he, foolishly, voted for a gutted form of the 1957 Civil Rights Act when he was in the Senate). A good source on all of this is Harvard Sitkoff's The Struggle for Black Equality, 1954 - 1992.

(3) Getting the ball rolling on Vietnam. This includes authorizing what amounted to be a hit on then President Diem. And while it's ever so convenient for his close pals (notably: Ted Sorensen and Arthur Schlesinger Jr.) to insist that he was, like, totally going to pull the U.S. out of Vietnam just as soon as he got re-elected, I, for one, am not biting (for one thing: let's not forget that LBJ made a similar claim in the lead-up to '64).

(4) Bay of Pigs.

Fun Facts: (1) Was actually a terrific golfer (an 8-handicap or lower, I believe), but kept it under wraps, since he didn't want to be perceived as a leisure President (Eisenhower, his predecessor, played daily while in office).

(2) Seriously, what is up with that Presidential portrait (the centre square on the Hollywood Squares-inspired tableau above--largely because the photo pile option I usually go with kept putting the Kennedy pic at the bottom of the pile)? Did everyone involved drop acid five minutes before Kennedy sat down?

(3) Here's what the usually reliable DeGregorio has to say about JFK's voluminous extramarrital affairs (at 550):

After the assassination there arose a spare of allegations that President Kennedy routinely cheated on his wife. Women claiming to have been intimate with Kennedy include stripper Blaze Starr, painter Mary Pinchot Meyer, who died mysteriously in 1964, and Judith Campbell Exner, lover to reputed Mafia boss Sam Giancana. It also has been charged that he had an affair with actress Marilyn Monroe.

And that's it, as if history stopped altogether in 1964. The fuck? I'll admit that dropping something to the effect of "andohbytheway, he and RFK totally double-team Marilyn in the White House pool" is a little too forward, but doesn't strike you as a tad timid on DeGregorio's part? 63 words? For Kennedy?? I mean, this is a man who dedicated three-quarters of a page to the alleged conquests of notorious lothario (please note the sarcasm) Dwight Eisenhower (Kay Sommersby...his personal driver during the war). Come on.

I don't really have the time or the inclination to provide an exhaustive list of his conquests (OK, I probably do, but I won't), but by way of proving my point, here are there references to "Kennedy, John Fitzgerald, sex life of" in the index of Dallek's An Unfinished Life:

45-49, 60, 78-79, 151-153, 175, 194-95, 249, 281-82, 375-76, 475-80, 579-80, 700, 706-7.

And, of those pages, here are the ones where Jackie Kennedy is referenced:

375

(and I'll wager--my copy is in London so I can't say for sure--that one or both of those entries focuses primarily on the extent of Jackie's knowledge of his bird-dogging).

(4) Only President to predecease both his parents.

In Writing: Unfortunately, no one writes about JFK. Moving on...

Fine. I went through a real JFK phase from the age of 10 to 14, so I've read dozens of books on the Kennedys. If you want a book wherein Kennedy is portrayed as a glorious angel who has miraculously fallen to earth, you can go with Arthur Schlesinger's A Thousand Days (though it does read like hagiography, it's worth reading if you want to know more about the day to day activities in the Kennedy White House). Doris Kearns Goodwin's The Fitzgeralds and the Kennedys (you remember the book, it was the one where they found out she cribbed passages from another author's book on the Kennedys and she had to resign from the Pulitizer committee. It was all very embarrassing, which is too bad, since DKG--who appeared in Ken Burns' Baseball--is all kinds of awesome.) Robert Dallek's An Unfinished Life (2003) provides loads of insight into the private JFK.

In Popular Culture: Jesus...there must be a hundred Simpsons' references to Kennedy (including every sighting of Quimby's wife). I'll go with my favorite three. The first one is when Lisa befriends two college girls ("Little Girl in the Big Ten") and JFK visits her in a dream. Unfortunately, SNCC doesn't have a capsule for this ep, and I can't find the quotes or clips anywhere, but I vividly recall Lisa saying "just like when you wrote Profiles in Courage, right?" And Kennedy says "uh, yes, wrote." And then, at the end, Lisa says, "I'll see you in heaven, President Kennedy!" And Kennedy says "uh, yes, heaven." Did I imagine this? Can anyone back me up?

The second one is a random moment from "Homer Phobia":

Marge: [gasps] Oh, Homer, look! Look, a TV Guide owned by Jackie O.
John: Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with "Mark."
Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

Which is ten times funnier when you watch it, because Homer is so indignant.

And #3 (from "$pringfield") always elicits a really evil laugh:

Homer: Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-five...Dealer busts! Looks like you all win again.
Texan: Yee-haw! Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck.
Homer: Why thanks, Senator!

Beyond this, I don't think there's any point in listing other things. You want Kennedy in popular culture? Stumble around aimlessly for 30 seconds and you're bound to find something.

Test of Time: I really should just have a macro for "boy...tough one" at this stage. Two things to consider about Kennedy here: (1) the more that comes out about him (and Dallek, in particular, provides loads of insight here), the more obvious it is that it's remarkable he lived even as long as he did (Addison's). I suppose this improves his reputation, since he accomplished a fair bit under adverse circumstances. (2) Obama's ascension is going to (or, rather: has already) inspire(d) a shit-load of comparisons to John, Jackie, and Camelot (basically: the last time in American politics it felt like a new era was being ushered in). Now, this can break one of two ways: on the one hand, it might cause people to continue to view JFK through rose-colored glasses. On the other, it might inspire people (younger people, I imagine) to take a closer look at what I like to call "the real Kennedy"--the one that was far more ineffectual, timid, underhanded, and vacillating than all of would like to remember.

12. James K. Polk (1845 - 1849): sorry, RT. As somewhat of a pre-emptive strike: he's higher than Kennedy because, next to Jefferson, Lincoln, and FDR, Polk is probably the most responsible for shaping the way America looks today. Since that will, no doubt, satisfy absolutely no one, let's go to the breakdown...

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) while I'm hesitant to put any sort of war as a high point, I think the Mexican-American War (and the subsequent acquisition of Texas at the Rio Grande, most of present day California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona...which certainly helps explain Polk's nickname--Senor Bastard--in Mexico) definitely belongs here.

(2) A believer in free trade (I know! And in the 19th century! Imagine that...), he signed a law (The Walker Tariff) that significantly lowered tariff rates.

(3) Negotiated the Oregon Treaty, which gave the U.S. Washington and Oregon and firmly established the 49th parallel as the northern border.

Low Points: Sigh...he owned slaves (20 of them) and was opposed to the Wilmot Proviso (a bill proposed in 1846 that would've forbidden slavery in any of the states acquired from Mexico).

Fun Facts: (1) has probably the best final words of any President ("I love you, Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.") Unfortunately, his wife's name was actually Karen. So it goes. (Kidding.)

(2) The first "dark horse" candidate to rise to the presidency. Polk came to the 1844 DNC as Governor of Tennessee and was hoping to be made the VP nominee. Instead, with the support of fellow Tennesseean Andrew Jackson, he bested Martin Van Buren (whom, if I'm not mistaken, ran for President all 25 times in the 19th century) on the 9th ballot.

(3) Interestingly, offered to buy Cuba for $100 million in 1848 (roughly $27 billion today). Spain turned him down.

(4) Along with Madison and Buchanan (who never married), one of the three Presidents that didn't have kids (I think--I'm not 100% positive on this one).

(5) Had no hobbies. Seriously. None. Unless you count memorizing Robert's Rules of Order. (No? OK.) If you're curious why a man who lived for politics voluntarily opted not to run for re-election, the answer is...I don't actually have the answer. Seems strange, doesn't it? It's kind of a shame, too, since he--if only by virtue of the fact that he wasn't staggeringly incompetent--would surely have faired much better than Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, and Buchanan in handling the impending crisis (and perhaps that's the answer...he saw what was coming down the pipe and got the fuck out of Dodge--I dunno).

(6) The only Speaker of the House (and I think it's safe to say that this will never happen again) to become President.

(7) As mentioned in an earlier post, Polk has the shortest post-Presidency period on record: 103 days. In his will, he ordered that his slaves be manumitted (fancy for "freed") upon his wife's death, at which point his wife decided to live for another forty-two years out of spite (the slaves, residing in Tennessee, where nevertheless freed by the 13th Amendment in 1865).

(8) Along with "Franklin Pierce," maybe the only good porn name among all the Presidents.

In Writing: Polk might be my next read. Haven't been able to find a good, full-length bio, though Paul H. Bergeron's The Presidency of James K. Polk (1987) is supposed to be good for the POTUS stuff.

In Popular Culture: (1) Al Bundy's high school alma mater (where he famously scored four touchdowns in one game) was none other than...(James K.) Polk High. Hell, I wasn't even much of a fan of the show, and I remember that.

Test of Time: Polk has always been ranked in the top third, but, in recent years, he's slowly crept into the top ten, largely because he set an agenda and stuck to it--something that is increasingly rare in this day and age. (Note to future presidents who may read this: this only applies to good agendas, but cf 2001 - 2009.) For that reason, I imagine he'll continue to trend up a bit, possibly even passing the next two guys I'm about to look at (who people remember fondly despite the fact that, as Presidents, they didn't, objectively speaking, do a whole hell of a lot). On that note...

Time for another head to head, since this one is also too close to call. This time we've got James Madison (in red, president #4) vs. James Monroe (in blue, president #5). That's right, it's "The Battle of the Jameses." To be honest, I don't find either of these guys to be too compelling, but I'm going to soldier and begrudgingly acknowledge their importance.

High Points/Accomplishments: War of 1812 (I guess). He loses a few points for a signing a treaty (Ghent, 1814) restoring things to...exactly the way things were before.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Missouri Compromise (I guess...only to the extent that it prevented Civil War). (2) The Monroe Doctrine (coloquially: "you fuck with us, we'll fuck with you right back"). (3) President during the so-called "Era of Good Feelings" (really? Did you poll the slaves on that one?) which seems fairly perverse when the average life expectancy was south of 40.

Slight Edge: Monroe

Low Points: not a whole lot, actually. (1) Passed something called the Non-Intercourse Act (which permitted U.S. trade with everyone except for France and Great Britain) in 1809-10. Lame. (2) Also opposed to federal funds for internal improvements, since he thought it exceeded Congress's constitutional authority. Dude, you basically wrote the constitution. It says what you say it says. (In his defense, he did recommend a constitutional amendment here.)

Low Points: (1) the flip side of the Mizzou Compromise is that it was, both in retrospect and at the time, a band-aid on a gaping chest wound. (2) President during the Panic of 1819 (largely due to shoddy bank practices and rampant land speculation--good thing that's no longer a problem, right guys?). Hey, here's a tip: maybe if you stopped calling them "panic"s, things wouldn't spiral out of control...

Edge: Madison

Fun Facts: (1) shortest President in history (5'4", and, yes, it was wrong of you to even think about making an FDR joke here). He also weighed just a shade over 100 (!) pounds, so, basically, America was ruled by a small child for eight years.

(2) Perennial NCAA tourney 14-seed James Madison University is--clearly--named after him. Famous alums include--actually, no, there are really just the three--former Redskin receiver Gary Clark, former Cowboy (and purported lunatic) Charles Haley, and Barbara Hall (creator of TV's Joan of Arcadia).

(3) Madison, Wisconsin--only one of the coolest towns in the U.S.--is named after him. Nice.

(4) The last Founding Father to die (in 1836) Asked for comment, Elbridge Gerry said "rats. I really needed that."

Fun Facts: (1) Monrovia, The capital of Liberia, is named after James Monroe. That's right, Madison, not just a state capital, a national capital. Suck it.

(2) On the off chance that there was a university named after him, I wikipediaed "James Monroe University." Turns out there is (or rather was) one. Unfortunately, it was actually one of the fake schools used by St. Regis University, a now-defunct diploma mill featured in a CNN expose in 2005. Ouch. On the off chance anyone from the Monroe family ever comes across this: you should've heeded Jon Hamm's advice and been more careful attaching your name to any product/institution.

(3) His VP, Daniel D. Tompkins (who, as Governor of New York during the War of 1812, was--insanely--responsible for defending his state, put his own assets up as collateral to get money, and went broke in the process) was a raging alcoholic (the preceding story, one presumes, having something to do with it) and presided over the Senate while drunk several times.

(4) Because his wife was sick, he lived in the White House for three weeks after his successor (JQA) was inaugurated, which I find amusing (not the part about Mrs. Monroe being sick).

Edge: Tough one, since national > state, but then the fake school thing is pretty embarrassing. Slight edge to Monroe (they named a whole doctrine after him, people!).

In Writing: Ralph Ketcham, James Madison: A Biography (1971). Supposed to be great; haven't read it.

In Writing: Harry Ammon's James Monroe, The Quest for National Identity (1971). Again, haven't read it.

Edge: Push.

In Popular Culture: (1) Madison County, Iowa is named after him. And, fair or not, it's this county that was the inspiration for the insufferable The Bridges of Madison County. Can we just go ahead and give this category to Monroe, already? (2) Voiced by Rob Lowe in the documentary series Founding Brothers. (3) Voiced by Randy Travis--huh? The country singer?--in the mini-series Founding Fathers.

In Popular Culture: Judge Reinhold went to James Monroe high in Fredericksburg, VA. Wow...now that's a stretch.

Edge: wow, how pathetic is Monroe's Q rating that I'm giving this to Madison despite his link to TBoMC?

Test of Time: at the bottom of (virtually) everybody's Top 10.

Test of Time: at the bottom of (virtually) everybody's Top 10.

Edge: Push.

Verdict: You know what? I still don't know. I think I'll go with Monroe ahead of Madison because his impact (particularly on the foreign policy front) is more lasting.

11. James Madison (1809 - 1817)

10. James Madison (1817 - 1825)

Next: #9 - #5

"You don't care? You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?!"

Ranking the Presidents, Part Seven: The Average

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six

So far:

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Bill Clinton
19. George Bush

Special election edition! For the record, in no way should South Park episode ("Douche vs. Turd") that the post title is taken from be construed as a comment on the candidates this year (well...not both of them, at least).

18. Ronald Reagan (1981 - 1989): OK, so now I'm in the unenviable position of explain why I person that I absolutely despise (Reagan)--a President that, along with JFK and George Washington, is among the three most overrated Chief Executives in history--was a better President than the two men that followed him. To be honest, I don't really want to do this, but I'll give it a shot.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) "Mr. Gorbachev: tear down this wall."); (2) Made America feel "good" about itself after the perpetual bummer that was the Carter Admin. (3) The Challenger Speech; (4) I always thought this was funny (notable, too, is the part where Brian Williams insinuates that the heckler was promptly executed by Secret Service). (5) This was pretty hilarious, too (I think he thought he was kidding...)

Low Points: My biggest beef with Reagan--and this seems like as good a place as any to delve into it--is that he has this reputation as kind-hearted individual that is totally detached from reality. I can't count the number of times that the expression "he'd give you the shirt off his back" has been used in connection with RR (a proposition that--for all I know--may be true but totally discounts the fact that that's literally all he'd give you ever, regardless of how poor/hungry/living without a roof you were).

(Parenthetically--literally!--a perfect example of this is this tiny entry of LGBT Rights within RR's Wikipedia entry:

Reagan is reported to have been personally tolerant of homosexuality. In a Time magazine interview, Reagan's daughter, Patti Davis, recalled that when she was a little girl watching a film with actor Rock Hudson, her father talked about the actor's gay orientation in a "clear, smooth, non-judgmental way". One of Reagan's high level advisors since the 1970s, Martin Anderson, stated that Reagan seemed comfortable working around gay people in Hollywood and that he believed gay people should tolerated. Yet, despite his personal tolerance, he generally opposed LGBT legislation. [Kyle here: to the point where he refused to mention AIDS publicly by name for the entirety of his first term in office, and, even after the death of his good friend Rock Hudson from complications with AIDS in 1985, he didn't support any active measures to curtail its spread.]

Oh, cool. So you were privately supportive, but, despite being, you know, the fucking leader of the free world, you did absolutely nothing to enact real change? That's incredibly helpful!)

This is a guy who, in four public opinion polls conducted in the last 10 ten years--C-SPAN (1999, 1st!), ABC News (2000, 5th), just behind no opinion), Washington College (2005, 2nd), Gallup (2007, 2nd)--has never finished outside the top five (and, when I was at the Smithonsian, was comfortably ahead of FDR in the interactive "greatest President" exhibit--a revelation that almost made me throw up), despite the fact that, as near as I can tell, the thing that qualifies him as "great" appears to be that he made Americans feel good about themselves, which, while not insignificant, isn't exactly enough.

I've said this dozens of times (to anyone that will listen--usually Jesse), but the fact that people on both sides of the aisle seem to be falling all over themselves to name any hospital, highway, airport, school, street, plane, award, medal, museum, stamp, aircraft carrier, and ship after Reagan, while LBJ (no saint either--but ten times the President) languishes in (comparative) obscurity drives me absolutely crazy.

(1) "Reaganonomics" (something that pushed social stratification to heights never previously seen--though damned if you'd see that mentioned anywhere in RR's extensive Wikipedia entry); (2) Named Antonin Scalia--one of the five biggest douchers of the last 100 years--to the Supreme Court; (3) SDI (which I guess gets about 3% less crazy every year, seeing as the Cold War has ended and all, but, rest assured, was needlessly reckless in 1983; (4) Iran-Contra; (5) Gutting Medicaid, Food Stamps, Environmental, and Federal Education Programs...but other than that, you know, he was cool...

Fun Facts: (1) Somewhat weirdly--and virtually unheard of today--Reagan challenged sitting President (and fellow party member) Gerald Ford in the 1976 primaries, pursuing it all the way to the RNC, where he narrowly lost (1,187 to 1,070) on the first ballot. This is the last convention for either side that opened without a clear nominee already locked in (RR having won--a what must have been discouraging to Ford--10 states in the lead-up).

(2) Rejected presidential portrait ideas included Reagan rolling around in a pile of money cut from vital social programs, Reagan not holding an elevator door for a teenage girl contemplating an abortion, and Reagan beating a homeless man to death with a golden cane.

(3) Only President ever to be divorced (and, by way of a quick endorsement, I'm praying this will still be true in 2012).

(4) In fairness, being nicknamed "The Teflon President" is kinda bad-ass.

In Writing: I'll recommend Dutch (sight unread) just because it's so crazy.

In Popular Culture: (1) Alex P. Keaton's hero on Family Ties (allow me to very quickly renew my objection to this fabulous show not being in syndication anywhere on non-satellite TV in Canada--very disappointing).

(2) Apparently, any "mistakes were made" reference (Burns in "Monty Can't Buy Me Love"--aka the Lock Ness episode; Bart in "Bart, the Mother"--aka the one where he accidentally shoots the bird) on The Simpsons is a shout-out to the Iran-Contra affair. I didn't even know that.

(3) His last movie (he made over 60), The Killers, is the only one where he played a villain. (Bonus factoid: it was during filming of The Killers, that Reagan's co-star, Angie Dickinson, learned that JFK--her alleged lover--had been assassinated).

Test of Time: Groan. I honestly don't know. I pray: worse. But my gut tells me: better.

17. William McKinley (1899 - 1901)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) annexed Hawaii; (2) The Open Door Policy (though, I'll admit, I still don't really understand what it's all about); (3) won two elections without ever having to leave his front porch (google it if ye doubt the claim).

Low Points: (1) Pretty much got duped into entering a war, with Hearst's "yellow press" and jumping to conclusions with the U.S.S. Maine (when it exploded--killing the entire 350-person crew--everyone assumed that Spain had blown it up. Only in 1950 did the Navy confess that it was sunk by a "faulty boiler.") People tend to cut McKinley some slack for this, since the Spanish-American War was, comparatively, "easy" (and wildly profitable), but this still strikes me as wildly irresponsible. (I'm also remembering a story about McKinley's malleability, though the source escapes me, that, like with Csar Nicholas of Russia, the best way to ensure that McKinley would do what you wanted was to be the last person to meet with him on any given issue).

(2) Again: being assassinated. This actually happened at the 1901 Pan American Exposition in Buffalo (earning it the nickname "World's Worst World's Fair." This mantle was later passed to Expo '74 in Spokane, but just because it was really boring). Continuing with a long tradition of seemingly incompetent medical treatment for Presidents that had fallen ill/been shot, doctors were originally optimistic that McKinley would survive, as he seemed to be rallying nearly a week after being shot. Unfortunately, he died from gangrene, leading Joseph Lister to blurt out: "oh, for fuck's sake! Doesn't anyone read The Lancet? Tell you what, I'll send you a goddamned copy!"

Fun Facts: (1) McKinley's assassin (Leon Czolgosz) actually pled guilty to murder, but under a bizarre NY law, his plea was switched to not guilty. He was then forced to stand trial, whereupon he refused the services of an attorney (not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his anarchist friends, one presumes).

(2) As Assistant Secretary of the Navy in 1897, Teddy Roosevelt said: "McKinley has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair." Upon becoming McKinley's VP, Roosevelt remarked:

"hey, buddy, sorry about that whole "chocolate eclair" crack. In my defense, I'm kind of a dick. Say...that's a really nice chair. [Sits] Oh, yeah. Hey, can I have this if something happens to you? Cool."

(3) Only clean-shaven President between Andrew Johnson and Woodrow Wilson (that's 44 years, btw).

In Writing: Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. It's not a full-fledged bio, but rather a book that looks at the events/venues/people surrounding the deaths of Lincoln, Garfield, and McKinley. A must-read. As for a McKinley bio, let's go with Margaret Leech's In The Days of McKinley (1959), which I nearly bought several different times at a local used book store.

In Popular Culture: (1) On the $500 bill (if you were a U.S. mint fanatic...or a heroin dealer, you would already know this). (2) His assassin (Czolgosz) appeared as an escaped soul in a S1 episode of Reaper. (3) From the casino episode ("$pringfield"):

Smithers: Sir, bad news from accounting: the economy's hit us pretty hard.
Burns: Heh, tough times, huh? I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this.
Smithers: Even so, sir, we could stand to lay off a few employees.
Burns: [enthusiastic] Oh, very well! [points at some monitors] Lay off him, him, him, him [sees Homer wearing Kissinger's glasses] Hmm...better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

Test of Time: Appears to be holding in the mid-t0-low teens in polls over the last 25 years. No reason to think that won't continue.

16. Grover Cleveland (1885 - 1889, 1893 - 1897)

High Points/Accomplishments: Double presidency! If nothing else: degree of difficulty bonus! And, um, he...uh, passed the (largely toothless) Interstate Commerce Act and also lowered the protective tariff (again with this? Christ!).

Low Points: Ms. Crabapple describes Cleveland's second term as "even more uneventful" than his first, and that's about right. There was the Panic of 1893 (caused by a poor crop harvest, a slumping European economy, and dwindling U.S. gold res--zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) and the Pullman Strike of 1894 (which Cleveland promptly broke by dispatching federal troops to Illinois) and...that's about it. Boring!

Fun Facts: (1) Was nearly thirty years younger than his wife (49 to her 21 when they got married--the only President, incidentally, to get married in the White House itself). Wait! It gets even ickier: he first met his future wife...when she was born. (Oh, my! And I used to give my dad a rough time for being in the fifth grade when mom was in kindergarden...)

(2) Involved (in 1884) in one of the least honorable campaigns in history, with rumours swirling throughout. Cleveland supporters chanted "Blaine! Blaine! James G. Blaine! Continental liar from the state of Maine!" while Blaine backers fired back with "Ma, Ma, where's my Pa? Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha!" which was dig at GC fathering a child out of wedlock. (As Doris Kearns Goodwin pointed out on The Daily Show last night, they really should bring back campaign jingles). Just in case you thought politics was sad now...

(3) Deemed "Our Gayest President" by America: The Book, explaining (at p. 38):

"When Cleveland returned to the White House at the height of the "Gay Nineties," it was after defeating Benjamin Harrison in a debate with shrieks of "Oh, listen to her!"

In Writing: Try An Honest President: The Life and Presidencies of Grover Cleveland by H.P. Jeffers (2002).

In Popular Culture: (1) Spanked Grandpa Simpson on two non-consecutive occasions. (2) On the $1,000 bill (though it hasn't been printed since 1945). (2) inspiration for Grover on Sesame Street....probably. Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong!

Test of Time: Same fate as McKinley, it would appear. Competent, but never in danger of cracking the Top Ten. Disadvantaged slightly, it would seem, by being President during an exceedingly tedious period in American history (seriously, these guys got wood debating the merits of "free and unlimited coinage of silver.")

15. John Adams (1797 - 1801)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) The XYZ Affair, in which Adams released a document from French officials (their names replaced by the letters X, Y, and Z) seeking a $250,000 bribe from America in exchange for normalizing relations between the two countries. While it may seem, in retrospect, like kind of dickish move, given that Adams wanted to avoid war with France at all costs and this letter all but assured that Federalists and Republicans alike wanted to smash the nascent French Republic into a billion tiny pieces, in the long run this worked out, as Adams weathered the pro-war tide, and, in 1800, reached a neutrality agreement with them.

(2) Appointed John Marshall as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (with apologies to Earl Warren: the very best in the nation's history).

Low Points: (1) Responsible for the Alien and Sedition Acts of 1798... as series of four laws which are probably best viewed as a colonial age PATRIOT Act (and did you know that the USA PATRIOT Act is actually an acronym? Stands for "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act." Yup, even the USA part--to my knowledge, already an acronym-- is given a new spin. I just learned this. Anyway, I digress...). The Sedition Act (which, mercifully, lapsed in 1800) threatened anyone who wrote, published (or uttered!) anything malicious or scandalous with imprisonment, which isn't something, in the ordinary course of things, you want a Founding Father is sniffing distance of. (That's right, I ended that sentence with a preposition. Deal with it. That's how they rolled in the 1790s...)

(2) The Midnight Appointments. On the night before leaving office, a hugely bitter Adams, appointed a slew of Federalist judges to the bench in an effort to curb the Republican tendencies of President-Elect Jefferson. Then, like a little bitch, he fled D.C. before dawn, successfully avoiding TJ's inaugural address (another first). Jefferson cancelled many of these appointments, but the bigger issue, I think (and you'll note that I have absolutely zero in the way of facts to back this up), is that Adams's last second appointments helped usher in the era of last second pardons for obviously guilty cronies/rampant vandalism of the White House/removal of all Qs from the computers and/or primitive typing machines. In other words: the last minute excesses of outgoing admins can be traced to this. (This is especially interesting because people often refer to this changeover, somewhat ironically, as "The Rebellion of 1800," in that, for the first time, one party replaced another, yet the results were bloodless. To which I say: bloodless, yes. Petty grudge-less? Not so much.)

Fun Facts: (1) First sitting President to lose an election;

(2) From DeGregorio (p. 19):

"There are few people in this world with whom I can converse," Adams once admitted. "I can treat all with decency and civilty, and converse with them, when it is necessary, on points of business. But I am never happy in their company." This confession sums up the paradox of Adams's personality; he genuinely loved and had deep compassion for humanity but never learned to deal with individual human beings. To his immediate family, he was a warm, generously loving man; to outsiders, he appeared cold, aloof conceited.

Oh...one of those guys.

(3) As anyone who watched The West Wing will remember, Adams died on July 4th, 1826, the same day as Thomas Jefferson. It gets even more interesting, as the two were the only signatories of the Declaration of Independence to become President. Also, they died fifty years to the day that they signed the DoI. Also, Adams's famous last words ("Jefferson lives [...dude owes me like $500!]") are actually incorrect, as Jefferson had died a few hours earlier.

(4) From America: The Book (p. 16):

"Jefferson, you're on the two. Hamilton? You get the ten. I'm calling dibs on the one. That's all me, baby. What's that, Adams? You wanted the one? All right, that's it: you don't get to be on anything. That's right, I'm taking back the quarter. Anyone else want to complain? I didn't think so."

- George Washington, 1789

In Writing: David McCullough's John Adams (2001) is very good, though pales in comparison to his work on Truman.

In Popular Culture: (1) played, of course, by Paul Giamatti in the critically-acclaimed HBO mini-series John Adams. Nice. Cooler still, Abigail is played by YAYDP-favorite Laura Linney (squeeee).

(2) How awesome is this T-shirt? Conservatively, how many shirts do you think they've sold? 12? 10?

Test of Time: Again, his presidential legacy has a lot do with the man he followed (GW) and the one he preceded (TJ). In both cases, Adams suffers considerably by comparison. Being the only POTUS of the first five not to serve two terms also hurts his cause. My verdict: great man, but only an adequate President.

(Yes we can. Yes we can.)

Next: #14 - #11

"Well, I've got news for you, mister! You can't quit! You're cut! [beat] You too, Milhouse."

Team-Up #5: Shuk and Kyle Discuss the NFL, Mid-Season Edition

Mark: Well, before we get started, holy cow did you underrate that Jon Hamm SNL. That was a great episode.

Kyle: Didn't I say it was the best of the year next to Hathaway? Maybe I didn't...

Mark: I'd rank it ahead of Hathaway due to the brilliance of Jon Hamm's John Ham. If I'm Warner Brothers, I'm having Brandon Routh killed and signing Hamm up as Superman, like, yesterday.

Kyle: Yeah...he should really be in absolutely everything.

CNN headline "Ted Stevens denies Conviction"...awesome. I literally heard him say he wasn't convicted.

Mark: It's probably not good form to just come out and say "You can still vote for me, Alaska! Bush will pardon me anyway!"

Kyle: lol, true.

Mark: But, anyway, are you ready for some football?!?!?!.....chat.

Kyle: Here's a schedule grid if you want to see who is playing who down the stretch.

Mark: Sweet, thanks. That's odd, Buffalo didn't play a division game before last week?

Kyle: Yeah...really strange schedule for them.

Mark: Okay, well, for readers who aren't aware, I'm a Green Bay fan and Kyle is a Detroit fan. So let's all just pause and bow our heads in a moment of mournful respect for Kyle's sanity right now.

Kyle: lol...openly antagonistic right off the bat, eh? I was going to mention how much better you are at picking games than I am, but now I won't. No, wait, that's mean.

Mark: Not to brag, but I am in the top three in all three of my NFL pick'em leagues. The bragging rights are somewhat negated by the nerdy fact that I'm in three NFL pick'em leagues, but I digress.

Kyle: Well, you're 61-55 in our league (6 over .500), while I'm 52-64 (12 under).

Mark: Eat it, Chris Schultz! Actually, I was watching Sportscentre this morning....apparently Schultz is something like 21-10 on the year thus far (though, obviously, with the caveat that he only picks four games a week). Jimmy Johnson, somewhat hilariously, is about 10-20 on the FOX pregame show picks.

Kyle: I think Schultz started out like 10-2 or something....so he's trailed off, but, yeah, it kind of cheapens in when you cherry-pick four games. He picks against the spread though, right? JJ picks 'em straight up, which makes it even worse.

Mark: Jimmy falls victim to the same thought process that plagues my dad in our family pool....he picks the team that is the better team, which never works in the crazy NFL. Especially this year. Oh, I'm also winning my family pool, so that's four top-threes. *pumps fist*

Kyle: There is some sort of time-tested theory (which TMQ always go on) about how picking the team with better record (or, if they're tied, the home team) should make you right about 65% of the time. How about Misha, who went against what he thought was right last week...and ended up 2-12. I think he should be celebrating.

Mark: He tried the George Costanza 'do the opposite of my instincts' thing, eh? Well, hey, it's really like being 12-2.

Kyle: Exactly.

Mark: Honestly, if you took a simple three-team Proline card picking the three biggest spread underdogs of the week, you'd win more often than not.

Kyle: It's true. You'd be killing if you bet the money line on every underdog this year. Are you willing to bankroll me? We could split the profits 90-10! (I get 90).

Mark: Can I bankroll you in Bre-X stock?

Mark: Well, anyway, given that this is technically supposed to be an NFL midseason recap, we should probably discuss football at some point here.

Kyle: Fair enough.

Mark: Let's start with....who's your NFL MVP after eight games?

Kyle: Oh, jesus! Is this not the strangest year for the NFL MVP?

Mark: It'll be hard to top the year when the kicker won ('82?), but yeah, it's a real crapshoot.

Kyle: That's worthy of its own book...or at least a 14,000 word Gary Smith article in SI. I'm going to throw some names out: Jason Campbell. Jake Delhomme. Brian Westbrook. Big Ben.

Mark: Yikes

Kyle: Stop me when you think I've named someone deserving.

Mark: If a Redskin gets it, I think it would be Portis (#1 fantasy player on Yahoo!) over Campbell just for seniority. I'll mention Drew Brees under the A-Rod Memorial 'His Team Kinda Stinks But His Numbers Are Great' clause

Kyle: Yeah, but, as you say, the Saints are trash. Andre Johnson is putting up monster numbers right now...but his team is 3-4. Could we have a Paul Hornung wins the Heisman for a 3-9 Notre Dame team situation this year? Doubtful.

Kyle: Trent Edwards?...Sorry, my computer just exploded.

Mark: Trent Edwards, ye gods. Ras-Trent himself. First MVP for a Toronto team since George Bell!

Kyle: You leave 1987 the hell out of this conversation! A goddamn travesty that was.

Mark: After the Jays collapsed down the stretch, tossing them an MVP was the least the writers could do.

Kyle: I just know that the five guys you would think would be in the mix -- Manning, Brady, LT, AP, and, I dunno, say Moss -- really aren't in the conversation (right now...LT and AP could make a run).

The guy that knocked out Brady?

Mark: Actually, you could make a good postmodern argument for Brady. Isn't he 'most valuable' based on the fact that after his injury, everyone acted like JFK had been shot?

Kyle: So Bernard Pollard is Oswald?

Mark: Which makes Herman Edwards into Jack Ruby, as he is shooting the entire KC organization right now.

Kyle: Don't think Oswald gave a sound bite even close to this one, though: "It was really an accident, I can't change what happened. I can't do anything but pray for him and hope he has a speedy recovery." I'm too afraid to say anything...

Mark: Poor Pollard. He sounds like Goodell had a gun pointed at his head

Kyle: Nice shot at Herm. I missed that.

Mark: Now, not to sound like a homer, but....Aaron Rodgers? He's got a winning team, he's putting up good to very good numbers, and theoretically should only get better as he gets more comfortable

Kyle: I thought of him...and it's not unreasonable of you to put him in the running. My concern is that he's going to get hurt again.

What if Romo comes back and plays lights out? Could it be given to someone who only played 75% of his team's games?

Mark: If that coincides with a Dallas resurgence, that could very well happen. Dark horse pick that would never happen, but could arguably deserve it: Joey Porter.

Kyle: ...boy, that came out of nowhere. If there were ever a year for a defensive player to win it, this might be it.....or Kerry Collins....at which point they'd immediately discontinue the award.

Mark: So far the NFL MVP is the same as this year's AL MVP.....a lot of maybes but no clear-cut #1. Rookie of the Year, however, seems a lot more straight-forward.

Kyle: Agreed. Joe Flacco. Next?

Mark: lol, I'm giving my Ravens-loving brother so much flack over Flacco (pun intended). I've already started the "next year, try drafting a D-1 QB" taunts.

Kyle: Shame that Felix Jones got hurt (he won the NFL Rookie of the Week three times in his first five weeks). This is doubly impressive when you realize that Wade Phillips will only let him touch the ball five times a game (GOD!). Anyway, the actual ROY: Chris Johnson, I assume?

Mark: Hmm, I was actually going to go with Matt Ryan or Matt Forte over Chris Johnson, but if the Titans keep rolling, he might well take it.

Wade Phillips.....boy, I dunno. If there was ever an NFL coach to suffer the 'playoff contender fires coach ridiculously late in the season' strategy like the Brewers or Devils used, it'll be Phillips.

Kyle: I actually kind of like him (on Hard Knocks he seemed like a really good guy)...and I'm really not sure how much of this we can pin on him (freakish numbers of injuries), but there's no denying that, even before Romo went down, there was something wrong with that team. I can't see him getting fired during the year, but, if he did, Jason Garrett would step in and do a terrific job. I have no doubt about that.

Ryan...possibly. Forte, too...though hasn't he fallen off a bit? I think Johnson ends up taking it.

Mark: The Phillips-Jerry Jones spoofs on Kissing Suzy Kolber are no doubt very close to actually happens every week. As for ROY, when in doubt, go with the rookie that was picked higher. Ryan is the leader in the clubhouse right now.

Kyle: Between Week 10 and Week 16, the Falcons play: NO, DEN, CAR, @SD, @NO, TB, @MIN. I think they'll be exposed then.

And I'll point out that, in picking 18th, the Ravens passed on Jones, Forte, and DeSean Jackson to reach for Flacco.

Mark: Glorious. If only they had an offensive genius like Brian Billick coaching the team

Kyle: lol, I actually kind of miss Billick--never thought I'd say that.

Mark: He's a good colour analyst, I heard one of his games a couple of weeks back and was thinking, "Wow, this guy is making some good comments." Then they cut to the booth and it was Billick. I felt so dirty. It was like hearing a good tune on the radio and then hearing the DJ reveal it to be the new Fergie single or something.

Kyle: Nice analogy. Despite having Sunday Ticket, I never seem to catch a game he's doing. I think I need to go to Awful Announcing and print off the booth lineups...like some sort of psycho.

Mark: He usually gets the lower-caliber games, so at least you can catch him on a Lions game and kill two birds with one stone!

Kyle: Yay! [bangs head against table]

Mark: This seems as good a time as any to get into this Kyle-suggested talking point......'who has the better chance of going 0-16, Detroit or Cincy?'

Kyle: Both, I'll note, are 5000-to-1 longshots to win the Super Bowl.

Aside: this is amazing...Peter Frampton in on CNN (oh, as you can probably tell, I only watch CNN when I'm home during the day--this is unlikely to continue past January 20, 2009) complaining that people keep stealing his Obama sign from his lawn. Life imitating art! Just replace "giant inflatable pig" with "lawn sign."

Mark: It's official, CNN has run out of things to talk about with this election

Kyle: Agreed. I really need to get a life. I almost twittered Rick Sanchez yesterday.

Mark: That sounds dirty.

Kyle: OK...Cincy has: JAX, PHI, @PIT, BAL, @IND, WAS, @CLE, KC. Detroit has: @CHI, JAX, @CAR, TB, TEN, MIN, @IND, NO, @GB. So...both are in real trouble. I'd say neither team goes winless (I know, really out on a limb), but that the Lions lock in the #1 pick (which they will use on the best receiver available) with a 2-14 record to Cincy's 3-13.

Mark: Cincy's best chance for a win has to be the KC game. Maybe even the Browns game the week prior. As for the Lions, man, that's rough. I could see them winning the Minnesota game in one of the Vikings' classic "we're awful" games, but otherwise, there is a legit chance they could reverse-run the table.

Kyle: Reverse-run, I like that. They might go 1-15, it's true. But they could (conceivably) beat the Bears, Vikings (I think that's the Thanksgiving game), or Saints. Cincy has to beat JAX or BAL, or they may roll into Cleveland 0-14.

Mark: I don't think the Lions are beating Chicago in Chicago, and the Saints will still presumably be hunting for a playoff spot, so they don't be letting up. Nope, I think it's just the Vikings game as their chance to break the streak.

Kyle: They don't play each other, so do you think that Goodell should jump in right now and say "if you both end up 0-16, there's a #1 pick playoff the night before the SB"? Or maybe a five-minute halftime game (like with Timbit Hockey kids) before Springsteen goes on-stage?

Mark: I'd pay to see that. In fact, were it not for KC's inexplicable win over Denver, that Bengals-Chiefs tilt in Week 17 could've been the real 0-fer Bowl

Kyle: I insist you make a WWE reference here.

Mark: It would be like Barry Horowitz facing Iron Mike Sharpe in the match before the main event at Wrestlemania.

Kyle: I knew you'd come through for me.

Mark: TJ Houshmandzadeh's "we'll win a game" guarantee....lamest guarantee in sports history?

Kyle: Yes. But at least he's backing it up with a(n insane) promise: walking 27 miles to the NFL studios. Guarantees have been so cheapened that, years ago, I suggested that they should only be prefaced with "we'll win this game or you can kill me." Now THAT'S pressure.

Mark: 27 miles isn't even that far to walk. It's easily doable for a pro athlete. TJ should've bet that unless Cincy wins, he would also have to change his last name to Ocho Cinco

Kyle: I think the wrinkle is that it's 27 highway miles. No clue how he'd manage that. It'd be like [insert name of semi-popular CFL star here] walking alongside the 401 (i.e. very strange).

Mark: Given the budgets of CFL teams, I thought that was how the Tiger-Cats got to Toronto for games.

Fun Wikipedia fact: the match before the Hulk Hogan/Sid Vicious main event at Wrestlemania 8 was actually close to Horowitz-Sharpe. It was a 71-second bout between Owen Hart (who at that point was barely above jobber level) against Skinner (whose gimmick was an evil alligator hunter).

Kyle: 71 seconds? Why would they even do that?

Mark: It's really no fun mocking your Lions fandom. I mean, there's just no fun in it.If nothing else, at least your baseball team has a chance at making the playoffs sometime in the next decade. Sigh. Damn Blue Jays.

Kyle: Like I've said, some lean years ahead for Michigan sports. I may need to start following college hockey.

Mark: You know who's suffering the most with this dual Bengals-Lions mediocrity? My cat, Bailey. Of his four favourite teams, two have yet to win a game. Poor Bailey.

Kyle: Wait..your cat has favorite teams?

Mark: Yeah, the Lions, Bengals, Jaguars and Panthers

Kyle: Oh, I get it...1 out of 4 ain't bad.

Mark: I dunno what would happen if, say, Carolina and JAX played in a Super Bowl. He'd be on the equivalent of a catnip high for that entire game.

Kyle: And the NFL would probably lobby to have the cat demographic counted, since no one else would watch that match-up.

Mark: Bailey's teams' mediocrity really hurts him in our family football pool. He's yet to win a week.

Kyle: That's disappointing. Even Misha has won a week in our pool. (note: not true)

Mark: Our family pool is just straight wins-losses, so Bailey has the easier task. Be sure to mention to Misha that we're openly comparing his performance to that of an animal.

Kyle: You can count on it!

Mark: Okay, so, biggest surprise of the NFL season?

Kyle: Hmmm...like fantasy stuff...or real teams?

Mark: Teams, players.....we can cover fantasy in our next segment, 'Kyle and Mark Bitch About Their Fantasy Teams'

Kyle: Hmmm....I suppose the implosion of the regular AFC stalwarts. San Diego and Indy have looked like dogshit for most of the season. The New England thing is a bit more explicable...though they're hanging around (but are they not the ugliest 5-2 team you've ever seen?)

Also: the whole Dallas thing has been frightening, but I'll save that until the fantasy section, since I have a team in my Osgoode league that is comprised entirely of Cowboys.

Mark: SD did lose Merriman, so they've had injury woes too. Plus I can't help but think that LT's "toe" injury is worse than they're letting on. Re: ugliest 5-2 team. The Steelers raise their hands.

Kyle: I still like them, but yeah.

Mark: I agree with the Colts/Patriots/Chargers downfall as the biggest surprise, since all three going down (apparently) was unexpected to say the least. The funny thing is, the Pats and Chargers could still easily win their divisions

Kyle: I know. Very weird. I'll throw Tennessee into the mix for most surprising, too. I don't think anyone anticipated them being 7-0--largely because we assumed Vince Young would be the starting QB.

Mark: They're a paper 7-0 given that though they're unbeaten, I don't think anyone thinks they'll be a Super Bowl or anything. Though they're solid, don't make many mistakes....reminds me of Tampa's Super Bowl team.

Also, not really a 'surprise' per se, but more like 'relief'.....Aaron Rodgers. I am so, so, glad that he looks like a good quarterback....presuming he doesn't turn into Derek Anderson in the last three games

Kyle: Yeah, I'm happy for him. Just an awful situation for him all around.

Mark: Most underrated storyline of the year: Brett Favre's gradual heel turn I mean, calling the Lions to give advice on how to play GB?! Seriously?

Kyle: Least surprising: Peter King being unwilling to criticize Favre. Just such a dumb move by Favre...even if he (maybe) didn't give away any secrets.

Mark: I don't even read PK anymore. He rarely adds anything truly noteworthy anymore. His column is slowly morphing from "breaking news" to "here's what I think about news that other people broke"

Kyle: But what about his feature where he compares a current star to a star at the same position from a totally different era? It's riveting! I especially like the bits about QBs before the forward pass was legal...

Mark: King was a lot better when he wrote under the name "Dr. Z" [/Misha]

Kyle: I suppose my most underrated thing just happened: shouldn't more be made about Mike Singletary delivering his halftime pep talk with his pants around his ankles? This is how you win over your players?

Mark: Wait, what?

Kyle: Yeah, I saw it on PTI yesterday. At halftime of the Seattle game, he mooned his team in the locker room and then, inexplicably, kept his pants down while berating them. I mean, I didn't think it was possible to make Mike Nolan look competent, but here we are.

Mark: That's amazing. The Singletary era is already off to a great start. So the 49ers have gone from 'coach dressed to the nines' to 'pantsless coach.' Biggest dropoff in NFL history

Kyle: Yup, although the suits were made by Reebok. Man, at least Lions' coaches have the decency to be naked in their own car...drunkenly ordering driving-thru.

Mark: Ok, we've put it off long enough.....commence bitching about your fantasy team.

Kyle: Sigh....Romo (whom I reached for in the first round) getting hurt had so many adverse consequences, since I have Crayton (who wasn't exactly setting the world on fire when Romo was healthy) and Witten (Tony's BFF to the point where Witten went with Romo and Jessica Simpson on that romantic getaway last year...even though I later found out that Witten is actually married.)

That and the fact that McFadden is totally shitting the bed for me. I find it completely perverse that Miami is running the Wildcat formation (that McFadden put on the map when he went to Arkansas) simply because they now have the old Arkansas Offensive Coordinator, while McFadden--who is playing with even less talented "skilled" position players--is languishing in a stale Oakland offense...or not playing at all. I have many more complaints, but, like golf horror stories, I think there are diminishing returns after two. You?

Mark: My fantasy teams are the inverse of my pick'em sets. My one team (the Cracker Factory) is 3-5, though with a two-game win streak since acquiring LenDale White for Wes Welker straight-up. My gamble on Rudi Johnson was something of a killer for that team.

My other team (Why So Jerious?) [Note from Kyle: I missed this the first time, but, to borrow a line from Boogie Nights: "those are great names!!"] is a desultory 1-7, solely because every single damn week, I leave a big performance on the bench. Check this out: if I had played my 'ideal lineup' every week, I'd be 7-1.

Kyle: Yikes! I'm 4-4 (cash league), 2-5, and 4-3, so not much to brag about either. Though, because New Orleans has a bye, I'm forced to start Frerotte this Sunday in that third league. If I win that, I'll never shut up about it.

Mark: Witten is entering into the worse possible phase of a fantasy season, the 'hurt but is still playing, probably poorly' status.

Kyle: Yeah, has long does it take to recover from a broken rib? A while, I think. Much as it pains me (and yes, in a discussion involving a real player's real broken rib, I'm referring to my own fantasy-related pain--what a tool), he really shouldn't play...then he can come back when Romo returns. Lovers re-united!

Mark: Conan's gotten some good mileage the last two nights out of the fact that Jessica Simpson's latest movie is a box office hit in Russia, and (true quote from the studio) "won't be released anywhere English is the first language."

Kyle: I saw that on--cringe--Chelsea Lately (aka, the worst late-night show ever...and I'm including Magic and Chevy Chase in the mix). That's...peculiar. I'm confused...did she film it in Russia? Wouldn't her being in Russia be reported on TMZ? I think it was filmed in the U.S...just not in English.

Mark: I'd presume the whole thing is dubbed. Otherwise, they could just release it as "Jessica Simpson Tries To Learn Russian," which is comedy gold in its own right.

Kyle: The whole thing is confounding...especially the fact that (as I've just discovered) the budget for the film was $30 million. And Steve Guttenberg is in it. And it's directed by the guy that did "My Father the Hero." Oh, my!

Mark: Poor Guttenberg. The Stonecutters gave up on him a long time ago.

Kyle: Speaking of things that are awful: the Fantasy Bed-Shitters of 2008 (this is just from the Yahoo! preseason Top 50): Brady (for obvious reasons), Addai, Larry Johnson, Ryan Grant, Maroney, McGahee, Willie Parker, Colston, McFadden, Ocho Cinco, Carson Palmer, and Torry Holt.

Mark: The truly sad thing is, of that group, very few even have a chance for a rebound

Kyle: True. Though I don't see why Grant is playing so poorly. He's healthy, isn't he?

Mark: He's been a little banged-up with a hammy injury, but honestly, I think it's largely because he's not that great. GB's running game is a big concern for me

Kyle: Well now I'm worried. Should we do playoff picks?

Mark: First, let's recap our preseason picks for comedy.

Kyle: lol...technically, I didn't make any for that very reason (derision), but I thought a Dallas-NE Super Bowl was likely.

Mark: It's still not out of the realm of possibility. Certainly yours is more likely than my Super Bowl prediction of......New England over Seattle.

Kyle: Ouch, really? The 2005 Seahawks?

Mark: I went 1. Pats, 2. San Diego, 3. Indy, 4. Pittsburgh with Jax and (the winless) Bengals as wild cards. That's right, the Bengals.

NFC was 1. Dallas, 2. Seattle, 3. GB, 4. Saints, with NYG and Philly as the wild cards

Kyle: Hmmm...well, you're probably right about three teams from the NFC East making the playoffs.

Mark: Yay to small consolation!

Kyle: They're not outrageous picks. Still not sure what's wrong with Jacksonville.

Mark: Now there's a team that probably needs a coaching change to get them over the hump akin to Gruden replacing Dungy in T-bay.

Kyle: Could be. How about Cowher, in a Favre-esque heel turn, taking the job next year?

Mark: Ooh, that would make a lot of sense. Cowher is going to break the bank....between Jax, Cincy, Detroit, Cleveland, KC, Minnesota, (maybe San Diego, Dallas or even Indy), he has lots of options

Kyle: Not enough money in the world for BC to take the Lions job...they'd probably have to give him his own country or something...

Mark: But he'd probably get a free Ford out of the deal! Fully loaded!

Kyle: sweeeeeet

Mark: William Clay Ford trying to entice Cowher would look a lot like Lorne Michaels offering the Beatles $3000 to reunite on SNL.

Kyle: "You wanna give Ringo less? That's fine..."

Mark: Two best aspects of that skit...

1. When George Harrison was musical guest a few months later and tried to claim a share of the money.

2. Lennon and McCartney were actually hanging out that night watching the show and wanted to come down to the studio to make a last-minute cameo. The writers were hastily coming up with a way to get them out of actually playing (I think the idea was 'oh, you brought your own gear? You can only use union-approved guitars'), but the two Beatles didn't make it downtown in time.

Kyle: Wow...never heard of either of those things. Cool. I really need to get one of those behind the scenes SNL books (maybe the oral history?).

Mark: That book is amazing, the one by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller.

Kyle: ok...it's going on my Christmas list.

Mark: I read it once every year, like clockwork. So what are your playoff picks right now?

Kyle: AFC division winners: Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, San Diego. Wild Card: Indy, NE

NFC division winners: Giants, GB, Carolina, Arizona (yikes). WC: Washington, Dallas.

Mark: Wow, I agree entirely. Bears and/or Tampa might sneak into the NFC given how the East will keep beating up on each other

Kyle: True. I haven't given up on Denver either...I just think SD passes them.

Mark: Pop quiz, worst division: NFC West or AFC West?

Kyle: Tough one. NFC, I say, since the AFC West has two competent teams. You?

Mark: Hard to say. Chargers are the best team in either division, but then again, the Chiefs and maybe Oakland are the worst two teams of the eight

Kyle: Sounds about right.

Mark: That's all of our prescribed talking points. Got anything else to add in?

Kyle: I don't think so....except that I think that MNF this week may be a SB preview.

Mark: Oh, that's another thing, this MNF is of vital importance. Apparently the Redskins' result the week prior to the election has predicted every outcome since the 1940's. If the Skins win, the incumbent party wins. If the Skins lose, the challenging party wins. In summation, go Steelers.

Kyle: Jesus...forgot about that...they referenced it on Mad Men last season. Go Steelers indeed. Yes we can! [Note: as he so often does, John Kerry ruined this theory in 2004, losing when the Skins loss dictated he would win. Still, it's 17 for 18 dating back to 1936, an impressive 94.4%, which is 14 points better than even the trusted Dow Jones theory (Dow up in election year? GOP win. Dow down? Dems win.)]

Mark: And let's not forget the other possible SB preview, Tennessee vs. Green Bay. Packers are winning, not a doubt in my mind. If that game isn't on basic cable, I will flip my lid.

Kyle: Never underestimate the stupidity of network execs....but it really should be on.

Mark: I worry since the Buffalo game is on at 1, so that'll be the CBS game and probably CityTV as well. FOX's highlight game is Dallas/New York at 4, so presumably the Fox affiliate won't have it at 1 PM....I'm worried.

Kyle: In that case, you can call me for updates...or just to scream. One last thing: Obama, over or under 350 electoral votes?

Mark: Under, but it'll still be a rout. Prediction of Bruce's four songs during the SB halftime?

Kyle: I'll take the over. Does the Boss have a new album coming out?

Mark: Not that I know of.

Kyle: Hmmm...Born to Run, Glory Days, Hungry Heart (as a metaphor...not because it's a great song), and...screw it, I say he leaves Born in the USA in the bag and busts out Dancing in the Dark.

Mark: Good call on Glory Days, that's a really good choice. Also, agreed on Born in the USA, though the novelty of that being misconstrued as a patriotic anthem never fails to amuse me. I'll vote for Born to Run, Dancing in the Dark, Rising and, dark horse, No Surrender. Though if they came out and just did a 10-minute Rosalita, that would be incredible

Kyle: Yeah, I almost said the Rising. No Surrender, eh? Hmmm. You know what would be great, if he pulled Blinded by the Light out of nowhere. His version is wildly underrated.

Mark: People would be like, "Why is Bruce doing a cover of Blinding By The Light?"

Kyle: Sadly, this is true. I think BtR and GD are both locks.

Mark: Rising is Bruce's Beautiful Day, it'll be there. Yes or no: Pearl Jam will one day be the halftime act

Kyle: Yes....but it might be a reunion tour thing.

Mark: I'm kind of doubtful. They're more baseball and basketball fans, for one. But really, now with Bruce doing it, PJ are the only one left of my favourite bands who could conceivably do the halftime show. (I'm not holding out for the White Stripes or Talking Heads)

Kyle: I think they should let Prince do it every other year. He was great.

Mark: Truth. What more could you ask from a halftime show than a giant guitar phallus?

Kyle: I'm certainly stumped.

Mark: Giant ass-shaped bass guitar in a tribute to Mike Singletary?

Kyle: lol--nailed it. Alright, I need to start packing up for the weekend...as always: a pleasure.

Mark: The pleasure is all mine.