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Ranking The Presidents: The Complete List

OK, if (not a given) I've done this properly, clicking on a particular President will take you to the post where they're discussed. (A reminder that, as noted here, I tinkered with the rankings at one point-- dropping Reagan down two places--so while he'll appear as 18th when you click on his entry, I assure you, he's 20th. The corrected list is what you see below.) The original plan--cutting and pasting all ten parts together--failed because: (a) I used too many quotes for the coding not to get hopelessly screwed up somewhere along the way, (b) I'm too busy watching the Lions shit the bed on national TV (a disastrous--and yet not at all surprising--35-3 beatdown at the moment...oh, and did I mention there are still three minutes left in the first half? Good Lord!), and (c) it's 35,000 words long.

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Ronald Reagan
19. Bill Clinton
18. George Bush
17. William McKinley
16. Grover Cleveland
15. John Adams
14. Dwight Eisenhower
13. John F. Kennedy
12. James K. Polk
11. James Madison
10. James Monroe
9. Andrew Jackson
8. Lyndon Johnson
7. George Washington
6. Thomas Jefferson
5. Harry Truman
4. Woodrow Wilson
3. Theodore Roosevelt
2. Franklin D. Roosevelt
1. Abraham Lincoln

"...as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Ten: The Greats

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven , part eight, part nine

So far:

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Ronald Reagan
19. Bill Clinton
18. George Bush
17. William McKinley
16. Grover Cleveland
15. John Adams
14. Dwight Eisenhower
13. John F. Kennedy
12. James K. Polk
11. James Madison
10. James Monroe
9. Andrew Jackson
8. Lyndon Johnson
7. George Washington
6. Thomas Jefferson
5. Harry Truman

Staggering to the finish line...

Here we go. The four greats:

4. Woodrow Wilson (1913 - 1921)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) economic reform (Federal Reserve Act of 1913, the Federal Trade Commission of 1914, and the Clayton Anti-Trust Act of 1914). (2) On balance, did a great job leading America during WW1. And...that seems really short, doesn't it? Well...I could (but won't) go on and on about his work during the war. Just trust me.

Low Points: (1) a bit of a doucher. This played a not insignificant role in Wilson flaming out* so spectacularly during the Paris Peace Conference, since he arrived there with a sense of entitlement that vastly outweighed his own nation's contribution to the war effort (and that contribution was sizeable, just to put the ego thing in perspective). Of course, his douchiness extends to other things, too, including his unfortunate stance on black people (against them) and his policy banning them from White House positions.

* = please don't construe this as me bagging on the Fourteen Points, which, for the most part, I admire immensely. It's just that it was hopelessly naive to believe that he could introduce this platform during negotiations without irrevocably damaging relations with the French and the British. (And, oh by the way, did you know that Wilson won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1919 for the aforementioned points? I did not.)

(2) Prohibition happened on his watch.

(3) The CPI--Committee on Public Information--in its sedulous attempts to influence American public opinion (in favor or against Germany? Guesses??) did some baddddd shit. (There's a great chapter about this in America in the Great War (1994) by Ronald Schaffer).

(4) The Sedition Act of 1918. Terrified that low morale would drag the country down, Congress passed this amendment (at Wilson's urging), which (from Wikipedia):

"made it a crime to utter, print, write or publish any disloyal, profane, scurrilous, or abusive language about the United States' form of government."

Good times! Basically, it was the second coming of Adams' Alien and Sedition Act (even, unimaginatively, sharing the same name) and it was a goddamn travesty. (Thankfully, it was repealed in 1920.)

Fun Facts: (1) Bit of backstory here: Wilson's first wife (Ellen Axson Wilson) died in August, 1914 as a result of complications from Bright's Disease. In true insensitive Presidential fashion (see also: every other President whose spouse died while he was in office), Wilson began dating again before the year was out and was re-married in 1915. (In fairness, I'm being uncharitable, since Wilson was said to be so devastated by his wife's death that he confided to aides that he hoped to be assassinated.) During the courtship of his soon-to-be new wife (Edith Bolling Galt), Wilson took her to the theatre, which led to this truly outstanding typographical error in the Washington Post:

"rather than paying attention to the play the president spent much of the evening entering Mrs. Galt." [Emphasis added]

Of course, it was supposed to read "entertaining." Editors caught the mistake, but not before thousands of copies hit the streets. Alas, try as I might, I couldn't find a link to the actual uncorrected article.

(2) Convinced he was going to lose his bid for re-election in 1916, Wilson--his private papers revealed years later--so concerned about the gap between election day and inauguration day (then: nearly 140 days) was prepared to appoint his Republican opponent, Charles Evans Hughes, Secretary of State, at which point Wilson and his VP (the incredibly obscure Thomas Marshall of Indiana) would step down and Hughes would become President. Anyway, despite everyone and their mother predicting that WW was on his way out, he ended up winning, so this bizarre, 24-esque, ultra-extra-legal scenario never came to fruition.

(3) Officially made the second Sunday in May Mother's Day in 1914 (no truth to the rumor that he was a minority shareholder in FTD).

In Writing: (though I ran out of superlatives for these books about five posts ago) August Heckscher's Woodrow Wilson (1991) is outstanding. Inexplicably, it's barely in print now (though readily available from the library). The section on Wilson's stroke is especially exemplary, as you see how the First Lady and Colonel House scrambled to conceal the fact that the President was totally incapacitated and that they were running the White House practically all by themselves. Basically, it makes Bartlet's MS cover-up look like a parking ticket. Riveting stuff.

In Popular Culture: (1) Bart uses his name (and Gordie Howe's photo!) for Mrs. Krabappel's fake-boyfriend.

Test of Time: Always in the top seven (the exception being the two WSJ polls conducted in the last five years--where he's finished 11th both times--for reasons that aren't entirely clear to me, since even if those polls place more of an emphasis on economic issues, WW still looks pretty good. Something tells me the Journal polls place an even greater emphasis on "rich guy economics" in which case WW fares much worse)--although rarely this high. My sense is his reputation only improves with time.

3. Teddy Roosevelt (1902 - 1909)

High Points/Accomplishments: largely responsible for the building of the Panama Canal (note: this would be in a different category were I Colombian); the Roosevelt Corollary (if only because it introduced "corollary"--an awfully fun word to say--into everyone's vocabulary); strengthened anti-trust laws; successfully negotiated a treaty between Russia and Japan, earning himself the Nobel Peace Prize in the process (the first American to do so); successfully navigated the U.S. through the Panic of 1907, shoring up banks to restore consumer confidence; great improved unsanitary conditions in the meatpacking industry, as well as food and drug reforms; the Great White Fleet (though they probably should've workshopped the name just a little bit more); appointed Oliver Wendell Holmes to the Supreme Court (arguably the best non-CJ justice in the Courts history); during a coal strike in 1902 when mill owners refused to negotiate with the union (imagine that!), TR threatened to seize the mills. This move brought both parties to the negotiating table, and the matter was quickly resolved. (Let the record show this is what distinguishes TR, a great President, from Truman, a nearly great President. The former acted as if was going to seize the mills, while the latter--rashly--actually attempted to go through with it). Also: just an absolute giant in conservation circles (I'd almost go as far to say that, for all intents and purposes, he created conservation).

Low Points: he loses a couple of points for trying to back out of a promise not to run for a second term (briefly: sometime after assuming the presidency post-assassination, TR announced--totally unprompted--that he was counting this as his first term and that he wouldn't serve more than two terms. He was elected in '04, and, still popular in the lead-up to '08, came to regret his promise. Nevertheless, he abided by it, and personally groomed Taft, the eventual winner.) Anyway, come 1912--now furious with Taft--TR really regretted his promise, and eventually decided to run again. (although his explanation--Asked how this didn't conflict with his promise not to run more than once, he said, I swear, "well, I meant I wouldn't run twice in a row"--was pretty hilarious and/or inventive).

Fun Facts: (1) If it weren't for Jefferson, TR would be the undisputed Renaissance President. Alas, we can't ignore TJ, so TR will have to settle for a still-very-impressive #2. Hobbies included: boxing, jujitsu, horseback riding, swimming naked in the Potomac (again with this!?!), tennis, hiking, hunting, bird watching, reading and writing history, being shot, and poetry.

(2) According to John Hodgman in The Areas of My Expertise (at 201), TR had a hook for a hand. Hodgman further notes:

first draft: speak slowly and pierce their eyes with a golden hook.

(3) Nearly banned college football during his first term. While this seems especially objectionable to me today, it should be noted that players died so routinely at the turn of the century that they nearly resorted to including "Casualties" as a stat category in the box scores.

(4) Plenty of POTUS firsts: first to ride in a car; first to ride in a submarine (!); first (only?) to study judo; first to have a toy named after him (teddy bear); first sitting President to visit another country (Panama--and really, though, how the hell did we lose this contest to Panama? Is it because we burned down the White House?).

(5) According to Wikipedia (though I must admit this sounds like bullshit) he coined the Maxwell House slogan "good to the last drop," having blurted that out in the Maxwell House Hotel in Tennessee. I told you: Renaissance Man!

(6) Great quote about his unruly daughter, Alice:

"I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice. I cannot possibly do both."

She, in turn, retorted with one that's arguably even better, stating that TR:

"wanted to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral."

In Writing: I highly recommend T.R.: The Last Romantic by H.W. Brands. In particular, the part after the death of TR's first wife (which prompted him to go out and live in the wilderness) is beautifully written. David McCullough's Mornings on Horseback is supposed to be quite good too, but I've yet to read it.

In Popular Culture: (1) In "King-Size Homer" (the one where Homer deliberately gains weight so that he can go on disability and work from home), Mr. Burns, while leading Power Plant employees through calisthenics, urges them on by saying:

"I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!"

(2) Courtesy of Shuk (I couldn't find the quote, whereas he simply memorizes full episodes), from "The Front" (aka "the one where Bart and Lisa write Itchy and Scratchy sketches under Grandpa's name):

[as he's accepting an Emmy award for writing] Grandpa: Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.

(3) Is going to be played be Leonardo DiCaprio (wtf?) in Scorcese's recently announced project, "The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt" (scheduled release date: 2010). Look, I love Leo, but if he's playing TR past the age of, say, 30, there's going to be trouble (unless DiCaprio elects to wear a fat suit--in which case I assume it'll be a comedy). That said, it can't possibly be worse that Robin Williams playing Roosevelt in Night at the Museum. (The good news is that Scorcese's pic is based on Edmund Morris's work--he wrote The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt and Theodore Rex). We'll see.

Test of Time: A top five guy, to be sure. Not much else to say, actually. Frankly, this category is pretty redundant now that we're covering the greats...

OK, onto the top two...

Now, I should note that this was very close, since both these guys are personal heroes of mine. While both men led America through incredibly trying crises, I give the edge to Lincoln, since--had he failed--there was a very real chance there wouldn't be an America (or, at least, not an America we recognize). Overly dramatic? Sure...but not entirely off-base, either. (Hey, that should be the blog's slogan!) On that note:

2. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933 - 1945)

High Points/Accomplishments: OK...best to go grab a sandwich before you start this one: the hundred days; restored consumer confidence in the banks; the Civilian Conservation Corps (18-25s paid to build roads, plants trees, work on flood control, and loads of other things in exchange for food, shelter, and a $1 a day in wages--of which a certain percentage was required to be sent home. Such an elegant solution to unemployment. Note: when Carrie was unable to work due to visa regulations, and we had to wait countless months--because there were too many applications to process--for her work permit to come through, I suggested to anyone that would listen that Immigration should hire immigrants to process Immigration forms...and was met, without fail, with blank stares or rolled eyes. Not that I'm bitter or anything...); farm reform, the Tennessee Valley Authority; the National Industrial Recovery Act, the Public Works Administration; the National Housing Act; the Securities and Exchange Commission; the Wagner Act (established labour's right to organize and bargain collectively), the Social Security Act; repealed Prohibition.

Oh...and oversaw probably the most impressive rapid build-up of a nation's military in the past 100 years...and capably led the U.S. during WW2.

Low Points: This section is probably more expansive than most would prefer for someone ranked as the 2nd greatest President of all time, but there's no sense hiding it: he made his fair share of mistakes (actually, since he served 12 years versus the previous high of eight, he committed his fair share plus 50% of someone else's share. But I digress...). Five things jump out:

(1) You could certainly make the argument (and many have) that, despite its good intentions, the New Deal never succeeded in ending the Great Depression (WW2 gets the credit there) and that, on the whole, it was incredibly wasteful. Truth be told, I am not one of those people. True, some things didn't really work the way they were supposed to (the National Recovery Administration), were unconstitutional (the original AAA), were counter-intuitive (again: the AAA, which, in its original form, advocated the destruction of crops and/or paid farmers not to grow things, at a time when famine was a very real national issue), and were incredibly expensive (um...all of it), but at least FDR was willing to try new things and gave people a chance to make an honest living. And if that seems like me taking the easy way out, please do remember how America plunged into despair between 1929 and 1933 in no small part due to government inactivity. The opportunity to do something (anything) to support their families was welcomed with open arms. If the administration exceeded its reach, so be it. It was worth it.

(2) Court packing (tired that that the Supreme Court kept vetoing New Deal legislation, FDR tried to pass a bill that would allow him to appoint one new associate justice--up to six--for every sitting judge that was 70 or older and had 10+ years experience on the bench). Not so much illegal (there's nothing in the Constitution that says there has to be nine justices) as ill-advised. This cost him a fair bit of political capital.

(3) slow to react re: the Holocaust. David M. Kennedy--who, for the most part doesn't hesitate to criticize FDR in Freedom From Fear--goes inexplicably soft on him when it comes to the U.S. dragging its heels here, concluding the three page section (in a 936 page book--but that's another issue altogether) by saying (at 797):

Americans had been fortunate in the war, singularly fortunate in a world that inflicted unspeakable punishments on so many millions of others. But good fortune could be the father of innocence, and the world the war was making would be no place for the innocent, no matter how very much of it they seemed poised to inherit.

To paraphrase Toby Ziegler (been watching a lot of West Wing repeats lately) in "The Two Bartlets": "I've read this six times and I still don't know what it means" (to which David Kennedy, no doubt, would respond, "I'm being purposefully non-specific.") I think he's trying to say that the U.S. was too timid or that U.S. officials were simply incapable of comprehending the scope of the Nazis' plan, but it's incredibly vague and lets FDR off the hook far more than he actually should be.

Fair is fair: if we're going to call the current Bush admin out for not acting on a memo that read "Bin Ladin [sic] determined to strike in U.S.", then we should at least do the same for the Roosevelt admin, which received, in January, 1944, a memo reading "Report to the Secretary [of the Treasury] on the Acquiescence by This Government in the Murder of the Jews" and still chose to wring its hands for over a year (and a extra big fuck you to the War Department--Assistant Secretary of War John J. McCloy, in particular--for making the repeated requests for the bombing of the railways leading to Auschwitz seem practically impossible when it was anything but). Incredibly disappointing, not to mention tragic beyond belief.

(4) The detention of Japanese-Americans. Apologists will point to other people leading the way on this issue--General DeWitt, McCloy, Attorney General Francis Biddle--but...no. That's on FDR. Whether he fully supported this decision or didn't feel strongly about (and went along to get along) is completely immaterial to me. It's on him...and it's totally indefensible. That it took 40+ years (and it was Reagan of all people!) for an official apology to be issued from the U.S. government (because that makes it all better, right?) is positively galling.

(5) Yalta was a bit of a gong show. (FDR's private concession to an aide--"I didn't say the result was good. I said it was the best I could do"--is about right.)

Fun Facts: (1) Had an affair with Lucy Mercer that nearly destroyed his marriage (accounts vary, but either FDR's mom said "stop seeing this girl or I'll cut you off" or Eleanor said "stop seeing this girl or I'll cut it off.") At any rate, I've always found the following passage--which Ward (at 415 in A First-Class Temperament) culled from a piece by Murray Kempton, and which speculates what would've happened had he rejected Eleanor's ultimatum and stayed with Mercer--quite moving:

Somehow, though, cruel as it is to think of an American deprived of Eleanor Roosevelt, there is a fugitive fantasy that together he and Lucy Mercer had sacrificed her immortal soul and his own high destiny. There these two will endure in the imagination, growing old together, say near Newburgh, he languidly farming and dimly drawing wills and litigating country quarrels and she stealing now and then into the dreary little church to grieve a while for the spiritual loss that had bought their happiness. The Depression is hard on him; but, when he dies, he has managed to recoup by selling his remaining acres for a postwar housing development. His obituary is exactly the size the Times metes out for former assistant secretaries of the Navy who had been nominated for vice president of the United States in a bad year for their party.

She lives a long while afterward, is restored to the Church, and works in the Library and always thinks of him tenderly. They would, we may be certain, have brought it all off far better than the Windsors, and hardly anyone would have known they had.

(Bonus fun fact: Lucy Mercer was actually with FDR when he died in '45--although she was, wisely, hastily escorted off the premises before Eleanor arrived at the scene.)

(2) Again, according to Hodgman (at 201), had a hook for hand, though, as Hodgman observes:

note: his hook was actually a wheelchair.

(3) And, to go along with that, let's throw in the meanest (though undeniably funny) thing in America: The Book. It works best as a visual aid, so click here.

(4) It's a bit of an unfortunate portrait, isn't it? Inadvertently makes him look like the Bay Harbour Butcher...

In Writing: Geoffrey C. Ward's A First-Class Temperament (just mentioned above) is one of my favorite books ever (as chronicled here), so obviously I'm going to recommend that, but there are dozens (more like hundreds, surely) of great FDR resources. I'll mention three: Before the Trumpet (also by Ward and covering FDR's first 25 years), Doris Kearns Goodwin's No Ordinary Time (lots of good FDR-Churchill stuff), and David Kennedy's Freedom From Fear (which I've shit on a couple of times today, but is actually, on the whole, tremendous).

In Popular Culture: (1) In "A Star is Burns" (the film festival episode), he's played by Krusty in "Sunrise at Campobello" (a real play dealing with FDR adjusting to being in a wheelchair).

(2) Again according to The Simpsons, FDR had the first Social Security number (Burns is #2).

(3) Jumps out of his wheelchair and beats up Hitler with Itchy and Scratchy in the "Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie" episode.

(4) Kramer's friend in the backwards episode (the one who wishes he drop dead) is FDR--Franklin Delano Romanosky. I've always liked that.

Test of Time: A perennial top three guy.

But, here's a question: could FDR ever surpass Lincoln as the consensus best POTUS of all-time? Interestingly, it's happened four times in the last twenty-five years: The 1982, 1990, 1994, and 2002 Siena polls (besting TJ--the hell?--in '82, and Lincoln the other three times). Lincoln and FDR have finished 1-2 three other times (Chicago Trib in '82, Murray-Blessing in '82, Ridings-McIver in '96, and C-SPAN in '99), and 2-3 (to Washington!) in the WSJ polls. So...what to make of this? I'm tempted to say that the Siena polls (comprised entirely of professors) reveal that FDR has the academia demographic cornered, but then all of these polls include historians, so it can't be that. (Best guess: practicing history professors have a bit of a liberal bend to them, thus giving FDR the edge). What else? Well...I think that the Depression and WW2 can, more or less, be put on equal footing with the Civil War (though, again, the continuation of America seemed far less secure in, say, 1863 than 1943, so slight edge to Lincoln). FDR was more prodigous on the legislative front (though the quality/historic significance of Lincoln's decision may even this out). That said, Roosevelt's errors were more grievous. Anyway, since I'm blathering at this point, I think we can probably agree that the two are very close (a point I made in roughly 200 fewer words several paragraphs ago), but what puts (and keeps) Lincoln over the top--and taking nothing away from the magnitude of Roosevelt's Fireside Chats and his first two Inaugurals--are his words. Their brilliance propel him to the top. And this means that FDR should probably get used to being a very respectable #2.

And while I think this isn't terribly profound, I think the tie-breaker is their writing.

1. Abraham Lincoln (1861 - 1865)

High Points/Accomplishments: Made sure there was still an America after 1865. Too high concept? OK. How about: capably managed a 2+ front war despite having approximately 55 seconds of military experience (Black Hawk War of 1832); the Emancipation Proclamation (not necessarily as expansive as is assumed/as one would like, but still--obviously--a profoundly important moment in the nation's history); the Homestead Act (a massive federal land grant largely responsible for the rapid post-1865 settlement of central America); the Morrill Act (government granting states, in proportion to their representation in Congress, which helped create dozens of schools, including Michigan State, Kansas State, and Rutgers); this (from the Gettysburg Address):

...But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate…we cannot consecrate…we cannot hallow…this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us…that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion; that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom; and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.;

and--come on, indulge me!--this (Inaugural Two):

On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it, all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war—seeking to dissolve the Union and divide effects by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.

Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said 'the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether'

With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan – to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.

And finally (Inaugural One):

I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

Possibly the most gorgeous paragraph in the history of speechwriting/making. TJ ain't got nothin' on Lincoln.

Low Points: Suspending habeas corpus? Not cool, Lincoln. Not cool.

Fun Facts: (1) tallest President (6'4").

(2) By all accounts, did not have an ideal marriage, largely (again, by all accounts) due to the fact his wife was a hopeless shrew. Lincoln bios are replete with tales of Mary Todd screaming at him over minor matters. Lincoln's response was always to walk away.

(3) This is from my best man speech at Misha's wedding:

Before becoming President, Abraham Lincoln ran a tiny law practice with his friend William Herndon. Together, the two of them shared an office not much bigger than this dais for nineteen years. In early 1861, as he was about to make the long trek from Springfield, Illinois to Washington, D.C., he came by the office to say goodbye to his partner. Herndon, who staying back to maintain the practice, asked Lincoln what he wanted to do with the sign out front which read, as it always did, “Lincoln and Herndon, Attorneys at Law.” Lincoln, who, as you might imagine, had about three million things on his mind—mainly, one presumes, the nation he was elected to lead tearing itself apart—thought about it for a moment, then replied “keep the sign up, Willy. If I survive this, I’ll come back here, and we’ll pick things up as if nothing has changed.” With that, he said his goodbyes, and left, (as we now know) never to return.

Seriously, how can you not love Lincoln?

In Writing: (Hey, I went four for four in this post! About damn time.) Gotta go with David Herbert Donald's Lincoln (which I can't seem to stop shilling for). Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals is solid. And, if you're feeling really motivated, seek out Richard Hofstadter's tremendous 1948 essay on Lincoln in The American Political Tradition.

In Popular Culture: (1) Has the best memorial--by far--of all the Presidents. I refuse to argue about this.

(2) To be played by Liam Neeson in the eagerly anticipated (by me at least) Spielberg directed Lincoln (2010 release). I'm excited to see how they cast this one, though, aside from Lincoln (and disregarding my "Clay Aiken as James Buchanan" disinformation campaign), the only name I've heard is Sally Field as Mary Todd.

(3) Voiced by Will Forte on Clone High (I'm told it's a great show, though I still haven't gotten around to watching it--sorry, RT).

(4) Replaced by an ape President in the Planet of the Apes remake. (Although, oddly, if the Ape Lincoln Memorial plaque is to believed, in this alternate reality, the U.S. still went through a North-South civil war, which seems, I don't know, improbable...though I'm open to the possibility it was North and South vs. the Apes.)

(5) What's more disturbing: that Lincoln was played by Matthew McConaughey in Boys on the Side (the hell? do I have a female reader--or a moderately to especially gay male reader--to explain this one to me?), that he was voiced by Hulk Hogan in an episode of Robot Chicken, or that he was played by Les Moonves's daughter in an episode of Full House? Comments welcome.

Test of Time: See above. He's Lincoln! I think his legacy is pretty secure.

And we're out. (That was abrupt.) Thanks, everyone, for your feedback on these posts. It's been a lot of fun.

"I'm sorry too, Dmitri. I'm very sorry...All right! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are Dmitri..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Nine: The Near Greats

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven , part eight

So far (revised):

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Ronald Reagan
19. Bill Clinton
18. George Bush
17. William McKinley
16. Grover Cleveland
15. John Adams
14. Dwight Eisenhower
13. John F. Kennedy
12. James K. Polk
11. James Madison
10. James Monroe

OK...I've got five guys that fall into the near-great category, with the remaining four making up the rarefied "great" group.

9. Andrew Jackson (1829 - 1837)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Did a great job during the nullification crisis in enforcing federal laws (ominously and effectively warning South Carolinians contemplating non-compliance and possible secession that "disunion by armed force is treason. Are you ready to incur its guilt? If you are, on the heads of the instigators of the act be the dreadful consequences; on their heads be dishonor, but on yours may fall the punishment.")

(2) Probably the first truly strong executive, Jackson vetoed more bills (12) than the previous six Presidents combined.

(3) Though it was arguably completely extra-legal, Jackson's "kitchen cabinet" (which was comprised of his friends, held meetings in the White House kitchen, and more or less replaced the actual cabinet) was shit cool.

(4) Survived an assassination attempt when his assailant's gun (a derringer) misfired...and then his replacement gun (again, a derringer--not great advertising for them) also misfired. At trial it was discovered that both guns were working properly, meaning there was roughly a 1 in 350 chance of it misfiring. For it to happen twice in a row puts the odds of Jackson not being shot at least once at about 1 in 125,000. Wild, no?

Low Points: (1) Trail of Tears (totally indefensible).

(2) He's generally held to be responsible for introducing the maxim "to the victor go the spoils" in U.S. politics, replacing many government officials with his cronies. (Contemporary studies reveal that Jackson only replaced about 15% of the federal work force, but that was more than enough to create a major stir in D.C.) (2) The more I read about Jackson, the harder for me it is to avoid the conclusion that he was--at least partially--insane. (Maybe it was all the dueling? I can't say for certain.) Witness his war against the Bank of the United States (which he viewed--no doubt rightly--as an elitist, east coast biased institution). So, anyway, Jackson vetoed the recharter of the Bank (which was totally within his purview), which, in effect, sealed the bank's fate. However, not content to let the bank die a slow death, Jackson went out and actively sought to destroy it by withdrawing $11 million in funds ($225 million today) and depositing it in various state banks. I dunno, that's always struck me as kind of hardcore.

(3) Appointed colossal asshole Roger Taney, author of the majority decision in Dred Scott v. Sandford--aka the single worst Supreme Court decision in American history--to the bench.

Fun Facts: (1) Involved in (to my mind) one of the sadder events in American history: The Battle of New Orleans. For those that don't remember/don't really care about their War of 1812 history (file me in the latter category): basically what happened was that, in late 1814, the British and the Americans hammered out a Treaty (of Ghent) to end hostilities. The treaty was signed on December 24th. Just over two weeks later, before word of the treaty had arrived in the U.S., General Jackson and his men absolutely routed the red coats, killing 300 with persistent rifle fire (and injuring roughly seven times more than that) ...which is perhaps not surprising, given that the opposite side was openly brandishing white flags, procuring signed copies of the treaty, with lawyers in tow (I'm kidding of course--they obviously didn't know it was over either).

(2) As you probably know, in 1806, Jackson challenged Charles Dickinson (a lawyer) to a duel for disparaging comments Dickinson had made about Jackson's wife (it's a long and drawn out tale, but for our purposes, all you need to know is that when Jackson married his wife, he thought she was divorced when, in actuality, she had only filed for divorce). Dickinson got off the first shot, nailing Jackson in the chest. Thinking the duel was over (what with Jackson about to die and all), Dickinson started to walk away (or perhaps began some sort of celebratory dance--the history books are silent on this point), but Jackson--amazingly, still standing up straight despite unimaginable pain--proclaimed that the duel was not over. DeGregorio continues (p.110):

At the insistence of Jackson's second, Dickinson returned to his mark. Although it was commonplace for a man in Jackson's position to spare his opponent by firing into the air.

To which I say: wait, wait, wait...so, even though Dickinson had shot (and nearly fatally wounded) Jackson, Jackson was still supposed to take the high road? The hell? I must confess, I don't think I'll ever fully understand the Southern Code of Gentility.

Related fun fact: Craig Simpson, history professor extraordinaire at Western, acts out this duel every year in his U.S. history courses. On two occasions, I even participated, playing Jackson both times. Professor Simpson, ever the good sport, always insisted he be Dickinson. What a guy.

(3) There's a great story involving Jackson and his then-VP John C. Calhoun (a staunch states'-rights advocate who would eventually resign--along with Spiro Agnew, the only VP to do so--over his disagreement with the administration's handling of the nullification crisis) at a White House dinner celebrating Jefferson's birthday in 1830. Asked to make a toast, AJ stood up and said:

"Our Federal Union--it must be preserved!"

Not to be outdone, Calhoun jumped up and offered the following counter-toast:

"The Union--next to our liberty, the most dear!"

At this point, Jackson shot Calhoun through the heart, mortally wounding him.

(4) The Peggy Eaton Affair. If you're wondering why AJ eschewed his actual cabinet, look no further than this bizarre saga. The gist of it being that Peggy Timberlake was rumored to be having an affair with John Eaton (a close friend of Jackson's and his Secretary of War) when her husband (a naval engineer) died at sea. Rather unsubtly, Eaton and Timberlake were wed two months later, adding much fuel to the fire. As a result, Washington society--dickishly--ostracized the new Mrs. Eaton. Heading this campaign was VP John C. Calhoun's wife. Jackson, who went through something similar with his wife (see Fun Fact #2) was furious, and demanded that all cabinet members and their wives treat Eaton with courtesy. Save for SecState Martin Van Buren (a widower), all refused. Eaton eventually resigned, but the damage to Jackson's relationship with his cabinet had already been done. Anyway, all of this seems like a rather large overreaction when you consider that this was an era where people routinely married their first cousins, but whatever...

(5) In what can only be described as the most satisfying election victory this side of Bartlett-Ritchie, Jackson soundly defeated Henry Clay (the man largely responsible for throwing the 1824 election to JQA--the first of the three so-called "corrupt bargains" in U.S. history) in 1832, winning 219 out of possible 286 electoral votes.

In Writing: Oddly, no, even though Jackson is a riveting figure. When I do, I'll likely go with Schlesinger's The Age of Jackson series.

In Popular Culture: Man, I dunno...The Jackson statue in D.C. is pretty sweet. Also, he was played by Charlton Heston in 1953's The President's Lady (about AJ's early years), which sounds...about right.

Test of Time: He's actually dropped a bit (Schlesinger's '62 poll has him 6th out of 31--now he only cracks the top ten about half the time), but I think he'll always be remembered fondly, largely for being the first POTUS to show some balls in dealing with Congress.

8. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963 - 1969): and, I won't lie, it kind of breaks my heart he isn't higher (though, for the record, this is full five places higher than he usually finishes--average ranking in the last ten polls dating to 1982 is 13.7). No President has (and, I'm willing to bet, will ever have) higher highs and lower lows than my man LBJ.

High Points/Accomplishments: The War on Poverty (including school reform, a volunteer peace corps, the job corps, and the Economic Opportunity Act); Medicare and Medicaid; Environmental Protection; The Highway Safety Act; The Fair Packaging and Labelling Act (more important than you think, actually); and, oh yeah, the most impressive civil rights reform in one hundred years, which included: The Civil Rights Act of 1964 (barring discrimination in public places), the Voting Rights Act of 1965 (outlawing discriminatory--read: blatantly racist--tests implemented at the polls to disenfranchise black voters), and the Civil Rights Act of 1968 (barring discrimination in the sale and rental of housing--actually, it's eerily similar to a JFK bill--which set out to accomplish the exact same thing five years earlier...except it actually worked. Jesus, I sounded like Sarah Palin there.) Enough? Is the Great Fucking Society not enough for you? (I know, I know...the other thing:)

Low Points: sigh...obviously (obviously, obviously) Vietnam. There's no way of getting around it: it was a fucking disaster, predominantly because of the catastrophic loss of life (58,000 on the American side, untold millions of Vietnamese), but also (at the risk of seeming a little bit insensitive, though it's definitely not my intention) because it derailed the greatest domestic program since the New Deal. I could try to mount a half-hearted defense on LBJ's behalf, noting that Congress totally abdicated responsibility when they gave him carte blanche in the wake of the Gulf of Tonkin incident, or that he started small there initially (amazingly, only 3,500 marines...but a whopping 550,000 less than three years later) and never wanted to escalate things, or that America's involvement in Southeast Asia tormented him for the rest of his years, but, no, it's on him. It's on him. And it's why he can never be considered a great President.

Fun Facts: (1) Somewhat hilariously, was known as "Landslide Lyndon" for several years as a result of his 87 vote win (out of about a million cast) in his 1948 Senate run.

(2) Say what you want about him, but we should all be thankful that he beat the terrifying Barry Goldwater (he of the famed "I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue" quote; the guy who routinely talked about a "limited nuclear war"; and the reason this ad was run) in 1964. Trust me, we might not be here if we didn't (or, at the very least, I might be living Fallout 3 instead of playing it.)

(3) Hobbies included scaring the living hell out of guests to his Texas Ranch by driving his jeep around at 90 mph and just generally tormenting people. (LBJ patented at least two disturbing intimidation tactics: first, he would talk to someone he was trying to influence in his swimming pool, slowly drifting said person, unbeknownst to them, out into the deep end--where they had to tread water--while he was stationed firmly in the shallow end. Second, he make interns take meetings with him while he was on the toilet. I think he was just being a dick with that one.)

(4) First sitting President to meet the Pope. (Thankfully, no swimming involved.)

(5) Arguably the coolest portrait of them all. That is all.

In Writing: I know I've shilled for him a few different times now here, but, again, let me stress: you will never find a better multi-volume biography (politician or otherwise) than Robert Caro's The Years of Lyndon Johnson (three so far, with Caro working on #4). If you don't have them, borrow volume one (The Path to Power) from the library. If you do have them (Jesse), start reading them already!

In Popular Culture: (1) From "Bart the Fink":

Bart: Mom, I just saw Krusty!
Marge: Yes, dear, in your mind.
Bart: No, on the street.
Marge: On the street in your mind.
Bart: Why won't you believe me?
Marge: Sweetheart, sometimes when people die, you just want them to be alive so badly you see them everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

(2) This stretches the definition of "popular" beyond recognition, but, when I was a grad student and just before the 2004 election, Misha set up an interview with me to talk about U.S. politics for his radio program. The interview was set for a Sunday morning and, predictably, I went out and got absolutely demolished the night before, with the result being that I was still probably legally drunk by the time Misha and I got to talking. I recall me being quite profane and the whole conversation descending into a NSFW laugh riot. Anyway, at one point (as Misha reminds me), I let loose with an expletive-laden rant about how LBJ was ten times the President RR ever was. A heavily edited version of said interview eventually aired on 106.9, though I didn't catch it.

(3) In an early season Seinfeld ep, Jerry claims that LBJ is ugliest world leader ever, narrowly edging out Charles de Gaulle.

(4) Plays a minor role in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.

(5) If you're interested in a really good look at LBJ and Vietnam, check out HBO's The Path to War, which aired a few years ago (there should be a torrent out there somewhere). Michael Gambon (yes, Dumbledore in HP3) plays Johnson and Alec Baldwin is Robert McNamara. Really, really good history.

Test of Time: Part of me thinks he'll eventually get his due, part of me thinks he's screwed forever because of Vietnam. Comparisons to Bush II (which, interestingly, are barely even appropriate since, by most objective standard, Vietnam was approximately 100 times worse than the Iraq situation) are obviously never good. We'll see.

7. George Washington (1789 - 1797): never quite understood (and I'm being serious) America's love affair with GW. Really, I don't.

High Points/Accomplishments: Remember that fake quote I used from Jefferson (c/o of America: The Book) in my JQA write-up? Basically, the gist of it was that it was borderline impossible not to invent something back in the 1700s. Well...that applies double to the GW administration. Anyway, high points: the conventions he followed led the establishment of what we now know as the cabinet; he didn't get greedy--stepping down after two terms even though he easily could've stayed on longer; and kept the U.S. out of war during the tumult in France.

He also helped pass the Bill of Rights in 1791, which comprised the first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution, including #2 (thanks for that!). Also, in 1795, aided in the ratification of the 11th Amendment, which forbade a person from one state suing another state (um...ok. Was that a major issue in the 18th century?)

Low Points: Nothing, really. (Well, ok...though this one isn't, strictly speaking, POTUS-related, but he did own slaves. Like, a lot of them. Like 150+.)

Fun Facts: (1) Note: technically, anything GW did in office was a presidential first. No, I'm not going to list them.

(2) Privately remarked that he didn't expect the Constitution to last twenty years.

(3) Did you know that Washington's Farewell Address (the one warning against political parties) was never actually delivered orally? Apparently, Washington was a terrible public speaker (and could only do it at all from a prepared text) and thus he had no interest in doing one more big speech. Consequently, it was published in a Philadelphia paper without being spoken.

In Writing: He plays a semi-prominent role in David McCullough's 1776, but for a full-scale bio, I'd recommend, James Flexner's George Washington: The Indispensable Man.

In Popular Culture: (1) old (racist?) joke my dad told me:

Q: What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?
A: They're the last three white guys to have those last names.

[Pause for laughter]

(2) America: The Book, under "Founding Father Fact and Fiction" (p.26):

The Legend: The young George Washington chops down a cherry tree, then famously confesses, "I cannot tell a lie. I did it."
What really happened: believe it or not, this myth is actually true. Washington was famously honest, even to the point of rudeness, as evidenced by his remark to Betsy Ross when she presented her first, more "avant-garde" design for the American flag: "I cannot tell a lie, Betsy: is that a flag or did your sewing kit throw up?"

(3) Famously played by Ralph Wiggum in the President's Day Pageant.

(4) First guy on the list to appear on Mount Rushmore.

(5) Has a national capital, a giant phallus, a state (btw, it's the only state named after an American--care to hazard a guess on the six other states named for people?), and three universities (George Washingon University, Washington and Lee, and Washington University in St. Louis) named after him, and has been played in films by both the fake mayor of NYC (Spin City's Barry Bostwick), the annoying cop on House (David Morse), and Frasier Crane. Suck it, Adams.

Test of Time: Gee...what do you think? America will legalize same-sex marriage between a man and his pet turtle (and then allow that couple to adopt) before they turn on GW. In the twelve major polls listed by Wikipedia, GW has never finished outside the top four, is in the top three eight of those times, and finished first twice. That this ranking is completely divorce from reality apparently troubles no one, so I won't dwell on it. He's a rock star. Always will be.

6. Thomas Jefferson (1801 - 1809): frankly, I find TJ to be absolutely maddening, but I think #6 is just right for him (originally, he was 5th).

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) The Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expedition that followed. Abolished the slave trade in 1807 (as in: the official importation of African slaves was no longer legal, which isn't the same as saying, say, "slavery is illegal" or "no slaves made their way into the U.S. between 1808 and 1865"). And...you know what? Not much else. For someone that's lauded as one of the greatest Presidents ever (in the last ten major polls dating back to 1982, he's finished 4th, 5th, 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 4th, 7th, 4th, 5th, 4th, for an average rank of 4.3), he really didn't do a whole heck of a lot. You could point to the Tripolitan War from 1801-1805 (where Jefferson waged a war against Barbary pirates because he was tired of the U.S. Navy being forced to pay tribute) as a high point, but then you'd need to note that the U.S. continues to pay tribute to three other Barbary nations for ten more years--making the war, by my count, only 25% successful.

(2) OK...and this:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Sometimes I'll forget how awesome this is...and then I'll stumble on some interminable Senate speech (or, like, any inaugural address from 1809 to 1857) and I remember all over again. Bonus 1,000 cool points.

Low Points: (1) First President to claim executive privilege, which is a bit of a downer.

(2) Furious that the American ships were routinely boarded and looted (one presumes, purely for shits and gigs) by the French and British during the Napoleonic Wars, TJ--in a massive overreaction--passed the Embargo Act in December, 1807, which stipulated that no U.S. ship was permitted to sail to foreign ports and no foreign ship would be allowed to unload cargo at American ports. Apparently not possessing even a rudimentary understanding of world geography, Jefferson somehow believed that this policy would cripple France and Britain, forcing them to come begging to the US to resume trade, in exchange for neutrality at sea. Anyway, as you might imagine, France and GB got by just fine during the embargo since they were free to trade with any number of the dozens of countries nearby while American merchants went broke. After fourteen months, Jefferson partially lifted the embargo, but historians agree this cost the country about $10 million in lost customs revenue.

Fun Facts: (1) did you know his affair with Sally Hemming (his slave) lasted for thirty-eight years? Me neither.

(2) His White House wine bill for his eight years in office was $10,000 (about $130,000 today...I'll be honest, I was hoping it'd be a lot more).

(3) As you might've heard, every Democratic President in the past 100 years has been totally gaybones for Jefferson. Of particular note is JFK's remark to an assortment of bright minds to a White House dinner: "you gentlemen are the finest group of genius and talent to sit at this table since Thomas Jefferson dined alone." Anyway, it's all very tiresome...

In Writing: Slowing working my way through American Sphinx (1998) by Joseph J. Ellis, which has been a bit of a struggle (it's a bit dry so far).

In Popular Culture: (1) Some more gems from Jefferson's forward to America: The Book (x -xi):

When America (The Book) first approached me about penning the foreword to their tome, I was surprised. Firstly, the foreword is not my bailiwick, but rather the Declaration. Forgive my conceit, but if one is looking to introduce a grand composition with a pithy and clear pronouncemnt, my declaratives are second to none. "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness..." Google it if ye doubt the claim! Also of some concern, I have been dead for...oh, lord, has it really been 178 years? My goodness, time certainly flies when you are no longer consigned to your earthly vessel.

Notwithstanding, Irv over at Warner Books sent me some galleys, and I have to say...funny. Not John Winthrop's A Comparative Treatise on the Most Unusual of Distinctions 'Twixt the Fairer of Species and Her Masculine Counterpart Funny...but funny. Of course, Sally was less enthused. "You are the author of the Declaration of Indepedence. A scholar. A statesman. This is beneath you. It's not even network." But truth be told, I was itching to get back to the quill and paper, and declaration work is not as steady as it used to be. Sally may not like it, but as we used to say in the back parlours of 18th-century Paris, "tough titties."

And:

Not that we weren't awesome. We wrote the Constitution in the time it takes you nimrods to figure out which is the aye button and which is the nay. But we weren't gods. We were men. We had flaws. Adams was an unbearable prick and squealed girlishly whenever he saw a bug. And Ben Franklin? If crack existed in our day, that boozed-up snuff machine would weigh 80 pounds and live outside the Port Authority. And I had slaves. Damn, I can't believe I had slaves!

Finally:

p.s. oh, and is it true Halle Berry is once again single? If so, I'd be forever in your debt if you put in a good word for T.J. Oh how I loves the mochachina.

Test of Time: A top five guy (everywhere but here...and a 1999 CSPAN poll placing him 7th). The love affair with Jefferson, it's safe to say, will never end. And, if that causes people to view his presidency somewhat more favourably than it actually was, so be it. He's done enough that I'll give him a pass here.

5. Harry S. Truman (1945 - 1953)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) dropping the bomb (to the extent that it succeeded in ending the war). Granted, this depends on: whether or not you accept that this was an appropriate response to what many view as the "total war" waged by Japan; if you believe that it would have cost 250,000 American lives to invade mainland Japan (the low estimate Truman was given), 1,000,000 lives (the high estimate), somewhere between 30,000 and 50,000 (estimates provided by historians), or if you believe the fundamental immorality of the act outweighs the human calculus.

(2) Had a real Muderer's Row of a cabinet (at various points: George Marshall, Henry Morgenthay, Fred Vinson, Henry Stimson, James V. Forrestal, Robert A. Lovett, Thomas Clark, Harold Ickes, Frances Perkins, and Henry A. Wallace).

(3) Recognized Israel;

(4) helped create the UN;

(5) approved the Marshall Plan (arguably the greatest charitable act in U.S. history);

(6) Reined MacArthur in during the Korean War when he (MacArthur) went insane and publicly stated that the Army should expand its operation into China, then--awesomely--fired Mac.

(7) The Fair Deal (slum clearance, increasing the minimum wage, expanding social security). Doesn't have the same ring as "New Deal" (actually, it sounds an awful lot like an inferior sequel trying to cash in on the box office success of its predecessor), but it did the trick;

(8) The Truman Doctrine (a policy to support free people resisting or threatened by repressive forces) was firm without being balls-out aggressive (which is kind of refreshing).

Low Points: (1) I always go back and forth on this one, so: the bomb. Yes, it did help end the war (see previous category), but this is mitigated by the fact that: (a) a lot of people died as a result, (b) I'm not so sure the U.S. couldn't have accomplished the same thing by threatening to drop the bomb, (c) I'm not so sure the U.S. couldn't have accomplished the same thing by dropping the bomb in the ocean, or, at the very least, in a less densely populated area, (d) Ultimately, I'm not sure if anything was actually gained as a result of dropping the bombs, since the once thing the Japanese insisted upon and the U.S. refused to cede pre-A-bomb--mainly, that the Emperor be kept in place--was eventually granted to Japan. So...

(2) Was prone to being just a little bit rash at times (see, for instance, his ill-fated--and totally illegal--attempt to seize the steel mills during a 1952 strike). (3) Sort rolled over on the whole Red Scare thing, kowtowing to McCarthy with the creation of Loyalty Oaths for all government officials. (4) NSC-68. Near hysterical in its portrayal of the communist threat, this document became, in effect, the blueprint for the Cold War

Fun Facts: (1) The "S." in his middle name stands for nothing at all.

(2) Aside from cabinet meetings, as VP, Truman met with FDR exactly twice.

(3) Aside from during "the social season" (brief research on my part could not uncover what, exactly, this refers to), First Lady Bess Truman didn't live in the White House (which she found stifling due to the lack of privacy), instead making camp in the family home in Independence, Missouri.

In Writing: Again, repeating myself, but David McCullough's Truman is a wonderful, wonderful book. It's impossible not to fall a little in love with Truman upon completion.

In Popular Culture: (1) Truman's predicted defeat at the hands of Thomas Dewey in 1948 is parodied in "Lisa's Substitute," with Martin brandishing a newspaper reading "Simpson Defeats Prince." (Note: America: The Book asserts that the Chicago Tribune never retracted the erroneous headline, instead writing articles as if Dewey were President for the next four years.)

(2) Also according to The Simpsons: Truman authorized the printing of the trillion dollar bill.

(3) Played by Gary Sinise in a TV movie.

(4) His daughter, Margaret Truman, wrote mysteries under the pen name P.J. McGregor set in and around Washington, D.C. (like Eric Wilson, except not involving the West Edmonton Mall). Bonus fun fact: it's a long-standing rumor that these (I'm guessing, since I only heard about them ten minutes ago) wildly unpopular books were ghost-written by Donald Bain (aka, the guy who writes the Murder, She Wrote books...and did you know there were MSW books? There are! 32 of them, in fact! An impressive/troubling nine in the past three years, actually.)

Test of Time: Left the White House with the lowest approval rating in history (statement only valid until January 19, 2009), but history has been quite kind to HST. In those same ten polls I referenced for Jefferson, Truman finished 8th twice, 7th seven times, and 5th once. Expect this trend to continue.

Four to go. Feel free to speculate on their placement...

Next: #4 - #1

"My question is about the budget, sir..."

Ranking the Presidents, Part Eight: The...Oh, My God!...These Guys Actually Seem to Know What They're Doing!

See also: part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven

(In my best "TV anchor from Arrested Development voice: "I blew it!")

Alright, so I fucked up. I've been trying to justify placing Reagan ahead of both Clinton and Bush 41 and, despite numerous attempts at rationalizing it (you can't overstate the importance of ending the Cold War; he restored America's faith in America; relying on past presidential polls, which always place RR ahead of WJC and B41), I keep coming up with counter-arguments (yeah but, he was so reckless in the early 80s and, in many ways, made the Russia Problem so much worse--the fact that Communism fell should really be attributed to internal stuctural problems anyway; re: faith? Really? Did he? Despite his popularity on January 20, 1989, Reagan, arguably, did more than anyone since Nixon to divide the country; if I'm just going to follow past rankings, what's the point in even doing this?), plus people (Jesse, Shuk, Fernando) have all made good points (Jesse's comment consists entirely of him saying "REALLY??") in railing against the rankings. So, in true Joe Quimby fashion, I've had a change of heart and I'm dropping RR to 20th, just behind Clinton and I'm retroactively designating Reagan and Clinton as "average" instead of "still pretty lousy" (when this is all done, I'm going to compile all ten posts into one uber-list which no one will ever read. That one will have the entries in the correct order. But, for the time being, I'm simply going to note the changes in the running count and leave the original posts intact).

So far (revised):

42. James Buchanan
41. Warren Harding (...and did you know that, of all hundreds of thousands of more accomplished people in American history, it was Warren Harding who--rather improbably--coined the term "Founding Father"? Apparently, he did. At the 1916 RNC. Wow.)
40. William Henry Harrison
39. Franklin Pierce
38. George W. Bush
37. Andrew Johnson
36. Millard Fillmore
35. John Tyler
34. James A. Garfield
33. Zachary Taylor
32. Ulysses S. Grant
31. Richard Nixon
30. Herbert Hoover
29. Benjamin Harrison
28. Jimmy Carter
27. Chester A. Arthur
26. Rutherford B. Hayes
25. Gerald Ford
24. Martin Van Buren
23. Calvin Coolidge
22. John Quincy Adams
21. William Howard Taft
20. Ronald Reagan
19. Bill Clinton
18. George Bush
17. William McKinley
16. Grover Cleveland
15. John Adams

Onto the next five...

14. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953 - 1961)

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Just a massive vote-getter, really, racking up 899 electoral votes out of a possible 1,161 in his two national races. Admittedly, he did have the benefit of running against Adlai Stevenson twice (a man I greatly admire but who was no politician). (2) created the Interstate Highway System in 1956, in exchange for a written declaration assuring him that every single mile of highway in America be named after him for the rest of time. (3) Ended the Korean War in July 1953. In a Gallup poll later that month, 46% of Americans responded "there was a war going on in Korea?" (4) Appointed Earl Warren as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Low Points: (1) You know, you can call it "brinksmanship" to try and class it up, but I'm always going to think of it as "we're going to behave as if we're batshit crazy in the hopes that you're too terrified to ever even think of bombing us. New Look, Schmew Look. All I'll say is that they borrowed a page out of Hitler's playbook (look it up), which is never a good thing.

(2) Responsible for the Eisenhower Doctrine (U.S. asserting its right to aid any country threatened by Communist affression or subversion--basically, all the stuff in The Good Shepherd that made you squeamish...sex scenes between Jolie and Damo excluded) and the Domino Theory (all countries, even small ones, need to be protected from Communism, lest one fall and start a chain reaction). And, yeah, you could spin this as a good thing (keeping America safe, etc.) but I've always found (and, admittedly, it's easy enough for me to say this in 2008 when the war is over and we all realize that the Communist threat was always far scarier in the average American's imagination than it actually was, but indulge me...) that these policies needlessly intensified Cold War tensions. Also, this:

(3) From his Farewell Address in 1961:

"This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence — economic, political, even spiritual — is felt in every city, every statehouse, every office of the federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society. In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals so that security and liberty may prosper together."

I'm sorry. Are you referring to the complex that you played a massive role in creating, that you oversaw, and that you built up? OK, just checking. Never quite understood why he's viewed as a prophet, when really the speech amounted to "you know that thing I've been doing for the past eight years? We may want to look into not doing it anymore. Later!" (4) was totally a pussy w/r/t McCarthyism.

Fun Facts: (1) (and I swear to God this is true) did not dress himself when he was President.

(2) Wanted desperately to be a baseball player, but was actually a much better footballer. Played for Army when he went there, and famously played against the Jim Thorpe-led Carlisle Indian School squad in a 1912 showdown (as chronicled in the recommended The Real All-Americans by Sally Jenkins).

(3) finished 11th on Gallup's 1999 list of Widely Admired People, just behind Churchill and one spot ahead of Jackie O. Ike finished two spots ahead of Gahndi, btw, which is an issue in its own right, but, just for the moment...Gandhi finished one spot lower than Jackie O? Really?? Mohandas Gandhi? Did she participate in a hunger strike that I'm not aware of? I mean, that's two spots higher than Mandela.

(4) Had seven heart attacks (one in the White House, six after), but survived them all.

(5) Had a putting green installed in the backyard of the White House. Sweeeet. Also: was something like a ten to fifteen-handicap. Not bad. And had a hole-in-one in 1968 at the age of 78.

(6) When working for the Army, he smoked four packs a day. Isn't that 100 cigarettes? I'll be honest, I don't even know how you find time to smoke 100 cigarettes a day if that's the only thing you're doing, let alone if you're the Supreme Allied Commander of the Allied Expeditionary Force. (He quit--cold turkey--in 1949.)

In Writing: I slogged through both volumes of Stephen Ambrose's Ike bio (note that Eisenhower made a point of requesting Ambrose's services, something that always raises an eyebrow with me). Volume 1 (basically: the pre-Presidency years) was entertaining enough (particularly because he worked under--and later served as a foil to--legendary prick General Douglas MacArthur...and because the stuff on the "Draft Eisenhower" campaign--remember, both parties wanted Ike to run in '53--is fascinating), but volume 2 was a big, dull dud, with Ambrose, perhaps concerned that there wasn't enough to talk about during Eisenhower's eight years in the Oval Office, opting for virtually a day-by-day account of Ike's presidency. In summation: mild thumbs up for volume one, thumbs way down for volume two.

In Popular Culture: (1) the Eisenhower Tree [dusts off hands triumphantly];

...oh, (2) and was played by Magnum P.I. in a TV movie.

Test of Time: I've got Ike ranked considerably lower than most (he was ranked 12th in a 1990 Siena survey, but, since then, he hasn't finished outside the top ten in any of the last six major polls), largely because I feel strongly that he put America on a dangerous path...a fact that's often ignored since people were so fond of Eisenhower personally.

13. John F. Kennedy (1961 - 1963): sorry, Jesse. Part Nine should be out later this week--you can check back then.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) (begrudgingly) the Cuban Missile Crisis--to the extent that the world didn't actually end, JFK deserves some credit. (More on this in a sec.)

(2) Inaugural address: timeless.

(3) This:

"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard..."

and:

"Many years ago the great British explorer George Mallory, who was to die on Mount Everest, was asked why did he want to climb it. He said, "Because it is there." Well, space is there, and we're going to climb it, and the moon and the planets are there, and new hopes for knowledge and peace are there. And, therefore, as we set sail we ask God's blessing on the most hazardous and dangerous and greatest adventure on which man has ever embarked. Thank you."

(For my money, this is even better than the inaugural. Full text here.)

(4) Nuclear Test Ban Treaty and the founding of the Peace Corps.

Low Points: (1) Can we talk about all the possible ways the Cuban Missile Crisis could've gone wrong? I'm still not sure if publicly accusing the Soviets was the best course of action (without that speech, arguably, this time period is remembered differently, if at all)...or the that the "quarantine" was, pretty clearly, a blockade, and thus an act of war. (Hmmm...that's only two points...I could swear I had more). Let me say that, by and large, I do think he did a good job managing the crisis, just so long as we recognize that, handled differently (read: more privately), there mightn't have been a crisis at all.

(2) I'm also calling bullshit on JFK being some sort of civil rights trailblazer. What I find ironic is that he actually made a speech saying, in effect, "look, we need stop being all talk and no action," yet was himself all talk on the matter. Note how timid (or, worse: unwilling) he was in dealing with stubborn Southern Governors, his hemming and hawing before finally (a dozen days later)sending in the National Guard when James Meredith was barred entry into the University of Mississippi in '62 (in fairness, he reacted far more swiftly when the same thing happened at the University of Alabama the next year), and generally dragging his feet (largely, it's been presumed, because it was politically expedient for him to do so) for 2+ years before (sort of) swinging into action in the summer of '63. (And we won't even get into how he, foolishly, voted for a gutted form of the 1957 Civil Rights Act when he was in the Senate). A good source on all of this is Harvard Sitkoff's The Struggle for Black Equality, 1954 - 1992.

(3) Getting the ball rolling on Vietnam. This includes authorizing what amounted to be a hit on then President Diem. And while it's ever so convenient for his close pals (notably: Ted Sorensen and Arthur Schlesinger Jr.) to insist that he was, like, totally going to pull the U.S. out of Vietnam just as soon as he got re-elected, I, for one, am not biting (for one thing: let's not forget that LBJ made a similar claim in the lead-up to '64).

(4) Bay of Pigs.

Fun Facts: (1) Was actually a terrific golfer (an 8-handicap or lower, I believe), but kept it under wraps, since he didn't want to be perceived as a leisure President (Eisenhower, his predecessor, played daily while in office).

(2) Seriously, what is up with that Presidential portrait (the centre square on the Hollywood Squares-inspired tableau above--largely because the photo pile option I usually go with kept putting the Kennedy pic at the bottom of the pile)? Did everyone involved drop acid five minutes before Kennedy sat down?

(3) Here's what the usually reliable DeGregorio has to say about JFK's voluminous extramarrital affairs (at 550):

After the assassination there arose a spare of allegations that President Kennedy routinely cheated on his wife. Women claiming to have been intimate with Kennedy include stripper Blaze Starr, painter Mary Pinchot Meyer, who died mysteriously in 1964, and Judith Campbell Exner, lover to reputed Mafia boss Sam Giancana. It also has been charged that he had an affair with actress Marilyn Monroe.

And that's it, as if history stopped altogether in 1964. The fuck? I'll admit that dropping something to the effect of "andohbytheway, he and RFK totally double-team Marilyn in the White House pool" is a little too forward, but doesn't strike you as a tad timid on DeGregorio's part? 63 words? For Kennedy?? I mean, this is a man who dedicated three-quarters of a page to the alleged conquests of notorious lothario (please note the sarcasm) Dwight Eisenhower (Kay Sommersby...his personal driver during the war). Come on.

I don't really have the time or the inclination to provide an exhaustive list of his conquests (OK, I probably do, but I won't), but by way of proving my point, here are there references to "Kennedy, John Fitzgerald, sex life of" in the index of Dallek's An Unfinished Life:

45-49, 60, 78-79, 151-153, 175, 194-95, 249, 281-82, 375-76, 475-80, 579-80, 700, 706-7.

And, of those pages, here are the ones where Jackie Kennedy is referenced:

375

(and I'll wager--my copy is in London so I can't say for sure--that one or both of those entries focuses primarily on the extent of Jackie's knowledge of his bird-dogging).

(4) Only President to predecease both his parents.

In Writing: Unfortunately, no one writes about JFK. Moving on...

Fine. I went through a real JFK phase from the age of 10 to 14, so I've read dozens of books on the Kennedys. If you want a book wherein Kennedy is portrayed as a glorious angel who has miraculously fallen to earth, you can go with Arthur Schlesinger's A Thousand Days (though it does read like hagiography, it's worth reading if you want to know more about the day to day activities in the Kennedy White House). Doris Kearns Goodwin's The Fitzgeralds and the Kennedys (you remember the book, it was the one where they found out she cribbed passages from another author's book on the Kennedys and she had to resign from the Pulitizer committee. It was all very embarrassing, which is too bad, since DKG--who appeared in Ken Burns' Baseball--is all kinds of awesome.) Robert Dallek's An Unfinished Life (2003) provides loads of insight into the private JFK.

In Popular Culture: Jesus...there must be a hundred Simpsons' references to Kennedy (including every sighting of Quimby's wife). I'll go with my favorite three. The first one is when Lisa befriends two college girls ("Little Girl in the Big Ten") and JFK visits her in a dream. Unfortunately, SNCC doesn't have a capsule for this ep, and I can't find the quotes or clips anywhere, but I vividly recall Lisa saying "just like when you wrote Profiles in Courage, right?" And Kennedy says "uh, yes, wrote." And then, at the end, Lisa says, "I'll see you in heaven, President Kennedy!" And Kennedy says "uh, yes, heaven." Did I imagine this? Can anyone back me up?

The second one is a random moment from "Homer Phobia":

Marge: [gasps] Oh, Homer, look! Look, a TV Guide owned by Jackie O.
John: Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with "Mark."
Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

Which is ten times funnier when you watch it, because Homer is so indignant.

And #3 (from "$pringfield") always elicits a really evil laugh:

Homer: Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-five...Dealer busts! Looks like you all win again.
Texan: Yee-haw! Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck.
Homer: Why thanks, Senator!

Beyond this, I don't think there's any point in listing other things. You want Kennedy in popular culture? Stumble around aimlessly for 30 seconds and you're bound to find something.

Test of Time: I really should just have a macro for "boy...tough one" at this stage. Two things to consider about Kennedy here: (1) the more that comes out about him (and Dallek, in particular, provides loads of insight here), the more obvious it is that it's remarkable he lived even as long as he did (Addison's). I suppose this improves his reputation, since he accomplished a fair bit under adverse circumstances. (2) Obama's ascension is going to (or, rather: has already) inspire(d) a shit-load of comparisons to John, Jackie, and Camelot (basically: the last time in American politics it felt like a new era was being ushered in). Now, this can break one of two ways: on the one hand, it might cause people to continue to view JFK through rose-colored glasses. On the other, it might inspire people (younger people, I imagine) to take a closer look at what I like to call "the real Kennedy"--the one that was far more ineffectual, timid, underhanded, and vacillating than all of would like to remember.

12. James K. Polk (1845 - 1849): sorry, RT. As somewhat of a pre-emptive strike: he's higher than Kennedy because, next to Jefferson, Lincoln, and FDR, Polk is probably the most responsible for shaping the way America looks today. Since that will, no doubt, satisfy absolutely no one, let's go to the breakdown...

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) while I'm hesitant to put any sort of war as a high point, I think the Mexican-American War (and the subsequent acquisition of Texas at the Rio Grande, most of present day California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona...which certainly helps explain Polk's nickname--Senor Bastard--in Mexico) definitely belongs here.

(2) A believer in free trade (I know! And in the 19th century! Imagine that...), he signed a law (The Walker Tariff) that significantly lowered tariff rates.

(3) Negotiated the Oregon Treaty, which gave the U.S. Washington and Oregon and firmly established the 49th parallel as the northern border.

Low Points: Sigh...he owned slaves (20 of them) and was opposed to the Wilmot Proviso (a bill proposed in 1846 that would've forbidden slavery in any of the states acquired from Mexico).

Fun Facts: (1) has probably the best final words of any President ("I love you, Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.") Unfortunately, his wife's name was actually Karen. So it goes. (Kidding.)

(2) The first "dark horse" candidate to rise to the presidency. Polk came to the 1844 DNC as Governor of Tennessee and was hoping to be made the VP nominee. Instead, with the support of fellow Tennesseean Andrew Jackson, he bested Martin Van Buren (whom, if I'm not mistaken, ran for President all 25 times in the 19th century) on the 9th ballot.

(3) Interestingly, offered to buy Cuba for $100 million in 1848 (roughly $27 billion today). Spain turned him down.

(4) Along with Madison and Buchanan (who never married), one of the three Presidents that didn't have kids (I think--I'm not 100% positive on this one).

(5) Had no hobbies. Seriously. None. Unless you count memorizing Robert's Rules of Order. (No? OK.) If you're curious why a man who lived for politics voluntarily opted not to run for re-election, the answer is...I don't actually have the answer. Seems strange, doesn't it? It's kind of a shame, too, since he--if only by virtue of the fact that he wasn't staggeringly incompetent--would surely have faired much better than Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, and Buchanan in handling the impending crisis (and perhaps that's the answer...he saw what was coming down the pipe and got the fuck out of Dodge--I dunno).

(6) The only Speaker of the House (and I think it's safe to say that this will never happen again) to become President.

(7) As mentioned in an earlier post, Polk has the shortest post-Presidency period on record: 103 days. In his will, he ordered that his slaves be manumitted (fancy for "freed") upon his wife's death, at which point his wife decided to live for another forty-two years out of spite (the slaves, residing in Tennessee, where nevertheless freed by the 13th Amendment in 1865).

(8) Along with "Franklin Pierce," maybe the only good porn name among all the Presidents.

In Writing: Polk might be my next read. Haven't been able to find a good, full-length bio, though Paul H. Bergeron's The Presidency of James K. Polk (1987) is supposed to be good for the POTUS stuff.

In Popular Culture: (1) Al Bundy's high school alma mater (where he famously scored four touchdowns in one game) was none other than...(James K.) Polk High. Hell, I wasn't even much of a fan of the show, and I remember that.

Test of Time: Polk has always been ranked in the top third, but, in recent years, he's slowly crept into the top ten, largely because he set an agenda and stuck to it--something that is increasingly rare in this day and age. (Note to future presidents who may read this: this only applies to good agendas, but cf 2001 - 2009.) For that reason, I imagine he'll continue to trend up a bit, possibly even passing the next two guys I'm about to look at (who people remember fondly despite the fact that, as Presidents, they didn't, objectively speaking, do a whole hell of a lot). On that note...

Time for another head to head, since this one is also too close to call. This time we've got James Madison (in red, president #4) vs. James Monroe (in blue, president #5). That's right, it's "The Battle of the Jameses." To be honest, I don't find either of these guys to be too compelling, but I'm going to soldier and begrudgingly acknowledge their importance.

High Points/Accomplishments: War of 1812 (I guess). He loses a few points for a signing a treaty (Ghent, 1814) restoring things to...exactly the way things were before.

High Points/Accomplishments: (1) Missouri Compromise (I guess...only to the extent that it prevented Civil War). (2) The Monroe Doctrine (coloquially: "you fuck with us, we'll fuck with you right back"). (3) President during the so-called "Era of Good Feelings" (really? Did you poll the slaves on that one?) which seems fairly perverse when the average life expectancy was south of 40.

Slight Edge: Monroe

Low Points: not a whole lot, actually. (1) Passed something called the Non-Intercourse Act (which permitted U.S. trade with everyone except for France and Great Britain) in 1809-10. Lame. (2) Also opposed to federal funds for internal improvements, since he thought it exceeded Congress's constitutional authority. Dude, you basically wrote the constitution. It says what you say it says. (In his defense, he did recommend a constitutional amendment here.)

Low Points: (1) the flip side of the Mizzou Compromise is that it was, both in retrospect and at the time, a band-aid on a gaping chest wound. (2) President during the Panic of 1819 (largely due to shoddy bank practices and rampant land speculation--good thing that's no longer a problem, right guys?). Hey, here's a tip: maybe if you stopped calling them "panic"s, things wouldn't spiral out of control...

Edge: Madison

Fun Facts: (1) shortest President in history (5'4", and, yes, it was wrong of you to even think about making an FDR joke here). He also weighed just a shade over 100 (!) pounds, so, basically, America was ruled by a small child for eight years.

(2) Perennial NCAA tourney 14-seed James Madison University is--clearly--named after him. Famous alums include--actually, no, there are really just the three--former Redskin receiver Gary Clark, former Cowboy (and purported lunatic) Charles Haley, and Barbara Hall (creator of TV's Joan of Arcadia).

(3) Madison, Wisconsin--only one of the coolest towns in the U.S.--is named after him. Nice.

(4) The last Founding Father to die (in 1836) Asked for comment, Elbridge Gerry said "rats. I really needed that."

Fun Facts: (1) Monrovia, The capital of Liberia, is named after James Monroe. That's right, Madison, not just a state capital, a national capital. Suck it.

(2) On the off chance that there was a university named after him, I wikipediaed "James Monroe University." Turns out there is (or rather was) one. Unfortunately, it was actually one of the fake schools used by St. Regis University, a now-defunct diploma mill featured in a CNN expose in 2005. Ouch. On the off chance anyone from the Monroe family ever comes across this: you should've heeded Jon Hamm's advice and been more careful attaching your name to any product/institution.

(3) His VP, Daniel D. Tompkins (who, as Governor of New York during the War of 1812, was--insanely--responsible for defending his state, put his own assets up as collateral to get money, and went broke in the process) was a raging alcoholic (the preceding story, one presumes, having something to do with it) and presided over the Senate while drunk several times.

(4) Because his wife was sick, he lived in the White House for three weeks after his successor (JQA) was inaugurated, which I find amusing (not the part about Mrs. Monroe being sick).

Edge: Tough one, since national > state, but then the fake school thing is pretty embarrassing. Slight edge to Monroe (they named a whole doctrine after him, people!).

In Writing: Ralph Ketcham, James Madison: A Biography (1971). Supposed to be great; haven't read it.

In Writing: Harry Ammon's James Monroe, The Quest for National Identity (1971). Again, haven't read it.

Edge: Push.

In Popular Culture: (1) Madison County, Iowa is named after him. And, fair or not, it's this county that was the inspiration for the insufferable The Bridges of Madison County. Can we just go ahead and give this category to Monroe, already? (2) Voiced by Rob Lowe in the documentary series Founding Brothers. (3) Voiced by Randy Travis--huh? The country singer?--in the mini-series Founding Fathers.

In Popular Culture: Judge Reinhold went to James Monroe high in Fredericksburg, VA. Wow...now that's a stretch.

Edge: wow, how pathetic is Monroe's Q rating that I'm giving this to Madison despite his link to TBoMC?

Test of Time: at the bottom of (virtually) everybody's Top 10.

Test of Time: at the bottom of (virtually) everybody's Top 10.

Edge: Push.

Verdict: You know what? I still don't know. I think I'll go with Monroe ahead of Madison because his impact (particularly on the foreign policy front) is more lasting.

11. James Madison (1809 - 1817)

10. James Madison (1817 - 1825)

Next: #9 - #5