"Well, I've got news for you, mister! You can't quit! You're cut! [beat] You too, Milhouse."

Team-Up #5: Shuk and Kyle Discuss the NFL, Mid-Season Edition

Mark: Well, before we get started, holy cow did you underrate that Jon Hamm SNL. That was a great episode.

Kyle: Didn't I say it was the best of the year next to Hathaway? Maybe I didn't...

Mark: I'd rank it ahead of Hathaway due to the brilliance of Jon Hamm's John Ham. If I'm Warner Brothers, I'm having Brandon Routh killed and signing Hamm up as Superman, like, yesterday.

Kyle: Yeah...he should really be in absolutely everything.

CNN headline "Ted Stevens denies Conviction"...awesome. I literally heard him say he wasn't convicted.

Mark: It's probably not good form to just come out and say "You can still vote for me, Alaska! Bush will pardon me anyway!"

Kyle: lol, true.

Mark: But, anyway, are you ready for some football?!?!?!.....chat.

Kyle: Here's a schedule grid if you want to see who is playing who down the stretch.

Mark: Sweet, thanks. That's odd, Buffalo didn't play a division game before last week?

Kyle: Yeah...really strange schedule for them.

Mark: Okay, well, for readers who aren't aware, I'm a Green Bay fan and Kyle is a Detroit fan. So let's all just pause and bow our heads in a moment of mournful respect for Kyle's sanity right now.

Kyle: lol...openly antagonistic right off the bat, eh? I was going to mention how much better you are at picking games than I am, but now I won't. No, wait, that's mean.

Mark: Not to brag, but I am in the top three in all three of my NFL pick'em leagues. The bragging rights are somewhat negated by the nerdy fact that I'm in three NFL pick'em leagues, but I digress.

Kyle: Well, you're 61-55 in our league (6 over .500), while I'm 52-64 (12 under).

Mark: Eat it, Chris Schultz! Actually, I was watching Sportscentre this morning....apparently Schultz is something like 21-10 on the year thus far (though, obviously, with the caveat that he only picks four games a week). Jimmy Johnson, somewhat hilariously, is about 10-20 on the FOX pregame show picks.

Kyle: I think Schultz started out like 10-2 or something....so he's trailed off, but, yeah, it kind of cheapens in when you cherry-pick four games. He picks against the spread though, right? JJ picks 'em straight up, which makes it even worse.

Mark: Jimmy falls victim to the same thought process that plagues my dad in our family pool....he picks the team that is the better team, which never works in the crazy NFL. Especially this year. Oh, I'm also winning my family pool, so that's four top-threes. *pumps fist*

Kyle: There is some sort of time-tested theory (which TMQ always go on) about how picking the team with better record (or, if they're tied, the home team) should make you right about 65% of the time. How about Misha, who went against what he thought was right last week...and ended up 2-12. I think he should be celebrating.

Mark: He tried the George Costanza 'do the opposite of my instincts' thing, eh? Well, hey, it's really like being 12-2.

Kyle: Exactly.

Mark: Honestly, if you took a simple three-team Proline card picking the three biggest spread underdogs of the week, you'd win more often than not.

Kyle: It's true. You'd be killing if you bet the money line on every underdog this year. Are you willing to bankroll me? We could split the profits 90-10! (I get 90).

Mark: Can I bankroll you in Bre-X stock?

Mark: Well, anyway, given that this is technically supposed to be an NFL midseason recap, we should probably discuss football at some point here.

Kyle: Fair enough.

Mark: Let's start with....who's your NFL MVP after eight games?

Kyle: Oh, jesus! Is this not the strangest year for the NFL MVP?

Mark: It'll be hard to top the year when the kicker won ('82?), but yeah, it's a real crapshoot.

Kyle: That's worthy of its own book...or at least a 14,000 word Gary Smith article in SI. I'm going to throw some names out: Jason Campbell. Jake Delhomme. Brian Westbrook. Big Ben.

Mark: Yikes

Kyle: Stop me when you think I've named someone deserving.

Mark: If a Redskin gets it, I think it would be Portis (#1 fantasy player on Yahoo!) over Campbell just for seniority. I'll mention Drew Brees under the A-Rod Memorial 'His Team Kinda Stinks But His Numbers Are Great' clause

Kyle: Yeah, but, as you say, the Saints are trash. Andre Johnson is putting up monster numbers right now...but his team is 3-4. Could we have a Paul Hornung wins the Heisman for a 3-9 Notre Dame team situation this year? Doubtful.

Kyle: Trent Edwards?...Sorry, my computer just exploded.

Mark: Trent Edwards, ye gods. Ras-Trent himself. First MVP for a Toronto team since George Bell!

Kyle: You leave 1987 the hell out of this conversation! A goddamn travesty that was.

Mark: After the Jays collapsed down the stretch, tossing them an MVP was the least the writers could do.

Kyle: I just know that the five guys you would think would be in the mix -- Manning, Brady, LT, AP, and, I dunno, say Moss -- really aren't in the conversation (right now...LT and AP could make a run).

The guy that knocked out Brady?

Mark: Actually, you could make a good postmodern argument for Brady. Isn't he 'most valuable' based on the fact that after his injury, everyone acted like JFK had been shot?

Kyle: So Bernard Pollard is Oswald?

Mark: Which makes Herman Edwards into Jack Ruby, as he is shooting the entire KC organization right now.

Kyle: Don't think Oswald gave a sound bite even close to this one, though: "It was really an accident, I can't change what happened. I can't do anything but pray for him and hope he has a speedy recovery." I'm too afraid to say anything...

Mark: Poor Pollard. He sounds like Goodell had a gun pointed at his head

Kyle: Nice shot at Herm. I missed that.

Mark: Now, not to sound like a homer, but....Aaron Rodgers? He's got a winning team, he's putting up good to very good numbers, and theoretically should only get better as he gets more comfortable

Kyle: I thought of him...and it's not unreasonable of you to put him in the running. My concern is that he's going to get hurt again.

What if Romo comes back and plays lights out? Could it be given to someone who only played 75% of his team's games?

Mark: If that coincides with a Dallas resurgence, that could very well happen. Dark horse pick that would never happen, but could arguably deserve it: Joey Porter.

Kyle: ...boy, that came out of nowhere. If there were ever a year for a defensive player to win it, this might be it.....or Kerry Collins....at which point they'd immediately discontinue the award.

Mark: So far the NFL MVP is the same as this year's AL MVP.....a lot of maybes but no clear-cut #1. Rookie of the Year, however, seems a lot more straight-forward.

Kyle: Agreed. Joe Flacco. Next?

Mark: lol, I'm giving my Ravens-loving brother so much flack over Flacco (pun intended). I've already started the "next year, try drafting a D-1 QB" taunts.

Kyle: Shame that Felix Jones got hurt (he won the NFL Rookie of the Week three times in his first five weeks). This is doubly impressive when you realize that Wade Phillips will only let him touch the ball five times a game (GOD!). Anyway, the actual ROY: Chris Johnson, I assume?

Mark: Hmm, I was actually going to go with Matt Ryan or Matt Forte over Chris Johnson, but if the Titans keep rolling, he might well take it.

Wade Phillips.....boy, I dunno. If there was ever an NFL coach to suffer the 'playoff contender fires coach ridiculously late in the season' strategy like the Brewers or Devils used, it'll be Phillips.

Kyle: I actually kind of like him (on Hard Knocks he seemed like a really good guy)...and I'm really not sure how much of this we can pin on him (freakish numbers of injuries), but there's no denying that, even before Romo went down, there was something wrong with that team. I can't see him getting fired during the year, but, if he did, Jason Garrett would step in and do a terrific job. I have no doubt about that.

Ryan...possibly. Forte, too...though hasn't he fallen off a bit? I think Johnson ends up taking it.

Mark: The Phillips-Jerry Jones spoofs on Kissing Suzy Kolber are no doubt very close to actually happens every week. As for ROY, when in doubt, go with the rookie that was picked higher. Ryan is the leader in the clubhouse right now.

Kyle: Between Week 10 and Week 16, the Falcons play: NO, DEN, CAR, @SD, @NO, TB, @MIN. I think they'll be exposed then.

And I'll point out that, in picking 18th, the Ravens passed on Jones, Forte, and DeSean Jackson to reach for Flacco.

Mark: Glorious. If only they had an offensive genius like Brian Billick coaching the team

Kyle: lol, I actually kind of miss Billick--never thought I'd say that.

Mark: He's a good colour analyst, I heard one of his games a couple of weeks back and was thinking, "Wow, this guy is making some good comments." Then they cut to the booth and it was Billick. I felt so dirty. It was like hearing a good tune on the radio and then hearing the DJ reveal it to be the new Fergie single or something.

Kyle: Nice analogy. Despite having Sunday Ticket, I never seem to catch a game he's doing. I think I need to go to Awful Announcing and print off the booth lineups...like some sort of psycho.

Mark: He usually gets the lower-caliber games, so at least you can catch him on a Lions game and kill two birds with one stone!

Kyle: Yay! [bangs head against table]

Mark: This seems as good a time as any to get into this Kyle-suggested talking point......'who has the better chance of going 0-16, Detroit or Cincy?'

Kyle: Both, I'll note, are 5000-to-1 longshots to win the Super Bowl.

Aside: this is amazing...Peter Frampton in on CNN (oh, as you can probably tell, I only watch CNN when I'm home during the day--this is unlikely to continue past January 20, 2009) complaining that people keep stealing his Obama sign from his lawn. Life imitating art! Just replace "giant inflatable pig" with "lawn sign."

Mark: It's official, CNN has run out of things to talk about with this election

Kyle: Agreed. I really need to get a life. I almost twittered Rick Sanchez yesterday.

Mark: That sounds dirty.

Kyle: OK...Cincy has: JAX, PHI, @PIT, BAL, @IND, WAS, @CLE, KC. Detroit has: @CHI, JAX, @CAR, TB, TEN, MIN, @IND, NO, @GB. So...both are in real trouble. I'd say neither team goes winless (I know, really out on a limb), but that the Lions lock in the #1 pick (which they will use on the best receiver available) with a 2-14 record to Cincy's 3-13.

Mark: Cincy's best chance for a win has to be the KC game. Maybe even the Browns game the week prior. As for the Lions, man, that's rough. I could see them winning the Minnesota game in one of the Vikings' classic "we're awful" games, but otherwise, there is a legit chance they could reverse-run the table.

Kyle: Reverse-run, I like that. They might go 1-15, it's true. But they could (conceivably) beat the Bears, Vikings (I think that's the Thanksgiving game), or Saints. Cincy has to beat JAX or BAL, or they may roll into Cleveland 0-14.

Mark: I don't think the Lions are beating Chicago in Chicago, and the Saints will still presumably be hunting for a playoff spot, so they don't be letting up. Nope, I think it's just the Vikings game as their chance to break the streak.

Kyle: They don't play each other, so do you think that Goodell should jump in right now and say "if you both end up 0-16, there's a #1 pick playoff the night before the SB"? Or maybe a five-minute halftime game (like with Timbit Hockey kids) before Springsteen goes on-stage?

Mark: I'd pay to see that. In fact, were it not for KC's inexplicable win over Denver, that Bengals-Chiefs tilt in Week 17 could've been the real 0-fer Bowl

Kyle: I insist you make a WWE reference here.

Mark: It would be like Barry Horowitz facing Iron Mike Sharpe in the match before the main event at Wrestlemania.

Kyle: I knew you'd come through for me.

Mark: TJ Houshmandzadeh's "we'll win a game" guarantee....lamest guarantee in sports history?

Kyle: Yes. But at least he's backing it up with a(n insane) promise: walking 27 miles to the NFL studios. Guarantees have been so cheapened that, years ago, I suggested that they should only be prefaced with "we'll win this game or you can kill me." Now THAT'S pressure.

Mark: 27 miles isn't even that far to walk. It's easily doable for a pro athlete. TJ should've bet that unless Cincy wins, he would also have to change his last name to Ocho Cinco

Kyle: I think the wrinkle is that it's 27 highway miles. No clue how he'd manage that. It'd be like [insert name of semi-popular CFL star here] walking alongside the 401 (i.e. very strange).

Mark: Given the budgets of CFL teams, I thought that was how the Tiger-Cats got to Toronto for games.

Fun Wikipedia fact: the match before the Hulk Hogan/Sid Vicious main event at Wrestlemania 8 was actually close to Horowitz-Sharpe. It was a 71-second bout between Owen Hart (who at that point was barely above jobber level) against Skinner (whose gimmick was an evil alligator hunter).

Kyle: 71 seconds? Why would they even do that?

Mark: It's really no fun mocking your Lions fandom. I mean, there's just no fun in it.If nothing else, at least your baseball team has a chance at making the playoffs sometime in the next decade. Sigh. Damn Blue Jays.

Kyle: Like I've said, some lean years ahead for Michigan sports. I may need to start following college hockey.

Mark: You know who's suffering the most with this dual Bengals-Lions mediocrity? My cat, Bailey. Of his four favourite teams, two have yet to win a game. Poor Bailey.

Kyle: Wait..your cat has favorite teams?

Mark: Yeah, the Lions, Bengals, Jaguars and Panthers

Kyle: Oh, I get it...1 out of 4 ain't bad.

Mark: I dunno what would happen if, say, Carolina and JAX played in a Super Bowl. He'd be on the equivalent of a catnip high for that entire game.

Kyle: And the NFL would probably lobby to have the cat demographic counted, since no one else would watch that match-up.

Mark: Bailey's teams' mediocrity really hurts him in our family football pool. He's yet to win a week.

Kyle: That's disappointing. Even Misha has won a week in our pool. (note: not true)

Mark: Our family pool is just straight wins-losses, so Bailey has the easier task. Be sure to mention to Misha that we're openly comparing his performance to that of an animal.

Kyle: You can count on it!

Mark: Okay, so, biggest surprise of the NFL season?

Kyle: Hmmm...like fantasy stuff...or real teams?

Mark: Teams, players.....we can cover fantasy in our next segment, 'Kyle and Mark Bitch About Their Fantasy Teams'

Kyle: Hmmm....I suppose the implosion of the regular AFC stalwarts. San Diego and Indy have looked like dogshit for most of the season. The New England thing is a bit more explicable...though they're hanging around (but are they not the ugliest 5-2 team you've ever seen?)

Also: the whole Dallas thing has been frightening, but I'll save that until the fantasy section, since I have a team in my Osgoode league that is comprised entirely of Cowboys.

Mark: SD did lose Merriman, so they've had injury woes too. Plus I can't help but think that LT's "toe" injury is worse than they're letting on. Re: ugliest 5-2 team. The Steelers raise their hands.

Kyle: I still like them, but yeah.

Mark: I agree with the Colts/Patriots/Chargers downfall as the biggest surprise, since all three going down (apparently) was unexpected to say the least. The funny thing is, the Pats and Chargers could still easily win their divisions

Kyle: I know. Very weird. I'll throw Tennessee into the mix for most surprising, too. I don't think anyone anticipated them being 7-0--largely because we assumed Vince Young would be the starting QB.

Mark: They're a paper 7-0 given that though they're unbeaten, I don't think anyone thinks they'll be a Super Bowl or anything. Though they're solid, don't make many mistakes....reminds me of Tampa's Super Bowl team.

Also, not really a 'surprise' per se, but more like 'relief'.....Aaron Rodgers. I am so, so, glad that he looks like a good quarterback....presuming he doesn't turn into Derek Anderson in the last three games

Kyle: Yeah, I'm happy for him. Just an awful situation for him all around.

Mark: Most underrated storyline of the year: Brett Favre's gradual heel turn I mean, calling the Lions to give advice on how to play GB?! Seriously?

Kyle: Least surprising: Peter King being unwilling to criticize Favre. Just such a dumb move by Favre...even if he (maybe) didn't give away any secrets.

Mark: I don't even read PK anymore. He rarely adds anything truly noteworthy anymore. His column is slowly morphing from "breaking news" to "here's what I think about news that other people broke"

Kyle: But what about his feature where he compares a current star to a star at the same position from a totally different era? It's riveting! I especially like the bits about QBs before the forward pass was legal...

Mark: King was a lot better when he wrote under the name "Dr. Z" [/Misha]

Kyle: I suppose my most underrated thing just happened: shouldn't more be made about Mike Singletary delivering his halftime pep talk with his pants around his ankles? This is how you win over your players?

Mark: Wait, what?

Kyle: Yeah, I saw it on PTI yesterday. At halftime of the Seattle game, he mooned his team in the locker room and then, inexplicably, kept his pants down while berating them. I mean, I didn't think it was possible to make Mike Nolan look competent, but here we are.

Mark: That's amazing. The Singletary era is already off to a great start. So the 49ers have gone from 'coach dressed to the nines' to 'pantsless coach.' Biggest dropoff in NFL history

Kyle: Yup, although the suits were made by Reebok. Man, at least Lions' coaches have the decency to be naked in their own car...drunkenly ordering driving-thru.

Mark: Ok, we've put it off long enough.....commence bitching about your fantasy team.

Kyle: Sigh....Romo (whom I reached for in the first round) getting hurt had so many adverse consequences, since I have Crayton (who wasn't exactly setting the world on fire when Romo was healthy) and Witten (Tony's BFF to the point where Witten went with Romo and Jessica Simpson on that romantic getaway last year...even though I later found out that Witten is actually married.)

That and the fact that McFadden is totally shitting the bed for me. I find it completely perverse that Miami is running the Wildcat formation (that McFadden put on the map when he went to Arkansas) simply because they now have the old Arkansas Offensive Coordinator, while McFadden--who is playing with even less talented "skilled" position players--is languishing in a stale Oakland offense...or not playing at all. I have many more complaints, but, like golf horror stories, I think there are diminishing returns after two. You?

Mark: My fantasy teams are the inverse of my pick'em sets. My one team (the Cracker Factory) is 3-5, though with a two-game win streak since acquiring LenDale White for Wes Welker straight-up. My gamble on Rudi Johnson was something of a killer for that team.

My other team (Why So Jerious?) [Note from Kyle: I missed this the first time, but, to borrow a line from Boogie Nights: "those are great names!!"] is a desultory 1-7, solely because every single damn week, I leave a big performance on the bench. Check this out: if I had played my 'ideal lineup' every week, I'd be 7-1.

Kyle: Yikes! I'm 4-4 (cash league), 2-5, and 4-3, so not much to brag about either. Though, because New Orleans has a bye, I'm forced to start Frerotte this Sunday in that third league. If I win that, I'll never shut up about it.

Mark: Witten is entering into the worse possible phase of a fantasy season, the 'hurt but is still playing, probably poorly' status.

Kyle: Yeah, has long does it take to recover from a broken rib? A while, I think. Much as it pains me (and yes, in a discussion involving a real player's real broken rib, I'm referring to my own fantasy-related pain--what a tool), he really shouldn't play...then he can come back when Romo returns. Lovers re-united!

Mark: Conan's gotten some good mileage the last two nights out of the fact that Jessica Simpson's latest movie is a box office hit in Russia, and (true quote from the studio) "won't be released anywhere English is the first language."

Kyle: I saw that on--cringe--Chelsea Lately (aka, the worst late-night show ever...and I'm including Magic and Chevy Chase in the mix). That's...peculiar. I'm confused...did she film it in Russia? Wouldn't her being in Russia be reported on TMZ? I think it was filmed in the U.S...just not in English.

Mark: I'd presume the whole thing is dubbed. Otherwise, they could just release it as "Jessica Simpson Tries To Learn Russian," which is comedy gold in its own right.

Kyle: The whole thing is confounding...especially the fact that (as I've just discovered) the budget for the film was $30 million. And Steve Guttenberg is in it. And it's directed by the guy that did "My Father the Hero." Oh, my!

Mark: Poor Guttenberg. The Stonecutters gave up on him a long time ago.

Kyle: Speaking of things that are awful: the Fantasy Bed-Shitters of 2008 (this is just from the Yahoo! preseason Top 50): Brady (for obvious reasons), Addai, Larry Johnson, Ryan Grant, Maroney, McGahee, Willie Parker, Colston, McFadden, Ocho Cinco, Carson Palmer, and Torry Holt.

Mark: The truly sad thing is, of that group, very few even have a chance for a rebound

Kyle: True. Though I don't see why Grant is playing so poorly. He's healthy, isn't he?

Mark: He's been a little banged-up with a hammy injury, but honestly, I think it's largely because he's not that great. GB's running game is a big concern for me

Kyle: Well now I'm worried. Should we do playoff picks?

Mark: First, let's recap our preseason picks for comedy.

Kyle: lol...technically, I didn't make any for that very reason (derision), but I thought a Dallas-NE Super Bowl was likely.

Mark: It's still not out of the realm of possibility. Certainly yours is more likely than my Super Bowl prediction of......New England over Seattle.

Kyle: Ouch, really? The 2005 Seahawks?

Mark: I went 1. Pats, 2. San Diego, 3. Indy, 4. Pittsburgh with Jax and (the winless) Bengals as wild cards. That's right, the Bengals.

NFC was 1. Dallas, 2. Seattle, 3. GB, 4. Saints, with NYG and Philly as the wild cards

Kyle: Hmmm...well, you're probably right about three teams from the NFC East making the playoffs.

Mark: Yay to small consolation!

Kyle: They're not outrageous picks. Still not sure what's wrong with Jacksonville.

Mark: Now there's a team that probably needs a coaching change to get them over the hump akin to Gruden replacing Dungy in T-bay.

Kyle: Could be. How about Cowher, in a Favre-esque heel turn, taking the job next year?

Mark: Ooh, that would make a lot of sense. Cowher is going to break the bank....between Jax, Cincy, Detroit, Cleveland, KC, Minnesota, (maybe San Diego, Dallas or even Indy), he has lots of options

Kyle: Not enough money in the world for BC to take the Lions job...they'd probably have to give him his own country or something...

Mark: But he'd probably get a free Ford out of the deal! Fully loaded!

Kyle: sweeeeeet

Mark: William Clay Ford trying to entice Cowher would look a lot like Lorne Michaels offering the Beatles $3000 to reunite on SNL.

Kyle: "You wanna give Ringo less? That's fine..."

Mark: Two best aspects of that skit...

1. When George Harrison was musical guest a few months later and tried to claim a share of the money.

2. Lennon and McCartney were actually hanging out that night watching the show and wanted to come down to the studio to make a last-minute cameo. The writers were hastily coming up with a way to get them out of actually playing (I think the idea was 'oh, you brought your own gear? You can only use union-approved guitars'), but the two Beatles didn't make it downtown in time.

Kyle: Wow...never heard of either of those things. Cool. I really need to get one of those behind the scenes SNL books (maybe the oral history?).

Mark: That book is amazing, the one by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller.

Kyle: ok...it's going on my Christmas list.

Mark: I read it once every year, like clockwork. So what are your playoff picks right now?

Kyle: AFC division winners: Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, San Diego. Wild Card: Indy, NE

NFC division winners: Giants, GB, Carolina, Arizona (yikes). WC: Washington, Dallas.

Mark: Wow, I agree entirely. Bears and/or Tampa might sneak into the NFC given how the East will keep beating up on each other

Kyle: True. I haven't given up on Denver either...I just think SD passes them.

Mark: Pop quiz, worst division: NFC West or AFC West?

Kyle: Tough one. NFC, I say, since the AFC West has two competent teams. You?

Mark: Hard to say. Chargers are the best team in either division, but then again, the Chiefs and maybe Oakland are the worst two teams of the eight

Kyle: Sounds about right.

Mark: That's all of our prescribed talking points. Got anything else to add in?

Kyle: I don't think so....except that I think that MNF this week may be a SB preview.

Mark: Oh, that's another thing, this MNF is of vital importance. Apparently the Redskins' result the week prior to the election has predicted every outcome since the 1940's. If the Skins win, the incumbent party wins. If the Skins lose, the challenging party wins. In summation, go Steelers.

Kyle: Jesus...forgot about that...they referenced it on Mad Men last season. Go Steelers indeed. Yes we can! [Note: as he so often does, John Kerry ruined this theory in 2004, losing when the Skins loss dictated he would win. Still, it's 17 for 18 dating back to 1936, an impressive 94.4%, which is 14 points better than even the trusted Dow Jones theory (Dow up in election year? GOP win. Dow down? Dems win.)]

Mark: And let's not forget the other possible SB preview, Tennessee vs. Green Bay. Packers are winning, not a doubt in my mind. If that game isn't on basic cable, I will flip my lid.

Kyle: Never underestimate the stupidity of network execs....but it really should be on.

Mark: I worry since the Buffalo game is on at 1, so that'll be the CBS game and probably CityTV as well. FOX's highlight game is Dallas/New York at 4, so presumably the Fox affiliate won't have it at 1 PM....I'm worried.

Kyle: In that case, you can call me for updates...or just to scream. One last thing: Obama, over or under 350 electoral votes?

Mark: Under, but it'll still be a rout. Prediction of Bruce's four songs during the SB halftime?

Kyle: I'll take the over. Does the Boss have a new album coming out?

Mark: Not that I know of.

Kyle: Hmmm...Born to Run, Glory Days, Hungry Heart (as a metaphor...not because it's a great song), and...screw it, I say he leaves Born in the USA in the bag and busts out Dancing in the Dark.

Mark: Good call on Glory Days, that's a really good choice. Also, agreed on Born in the USA, though the novelty of that being misconstrued as a patriotic anthem never fails to amuse me. I'll vote for Born to Run, Dancing in the Dark, Rising and, dark horse, No Surrender. Though if they came out and just did a 10-minute Rosalita, that would be incredible

Kyle: Yeah, I almost said the Rising. No Surrender, eh? Hmmm. You know what would be great, if he pulled Blinded by the Light out of nowhere. His version is wildly underrated.

Mark: People would be like, "Why is Bruce doing a cover of Blinding By The Light?"

Kyle: Sadly, this is true. I think BtR and GD are both locks.

Mark: Rising is Bruce's Beautiful Day, it'll be there. Yes or no: Pearl Jam will one day be the halftime act

Kyle: Yes....but it might be a reunion tour thing.

Mark: I'm kind of doubtful. They're more baseball and basketball fans, for one. But really, now with Bruce doing it, PJ are the only one left of my favourite bands who could conceivably do the halftime show. (I'm not holding out for the White Stripes or Talking Heads)

Kyle: I think they should let Prince do it every other year. He was great.

Mark: Truth. What more could you ask from a halftime show than a giant guitar phallus?

Kyle: I'm certainly stumped.

Mark: Giant ass-shaped bass guitar in a tribute to Mike Singletary?

Kyle: lol--nailed it. Alright, I need to start packing up for the weekend...as always: a pleasure.

Mark: The pleasure is all mine.

"Everyone has a plan until they get smacked in the mouth..."

Super Bowl XLII Post-Mortem: Well, add this game to the list of things--along with Boys Don't Cry and Games 1, 3, 4, and 5 of the 2006 World Series--that were really compelling but that I never, ever want to see again...

I hate that I'll have to read Easterbrook's column tomorrow, complete with some sort of tortured Good vs. Evil analogy and blanket statements that the Pats "deserved" to lose because of past indiscretions...and I hate that Tom Brady is no longer invincible in Super Bowls....but mostly I hate, hate, hate that they'll always be known as the undefeated team that didn't win the Big One.

Before venting, I will concede this: the Giants were the better team yesterday and deserved to win. There's no disputing this. That said...

Let the record show that super-genius Bill Belichick had two weeks to prepare for the Giants and came up with a gameplan that was astoundingly ordinary. The Patriots seemed ill-equipped to stop the Giants pass rush and, worse still, showed no inclination to adapt to the persistent rush (like, I don't know, going to a 2 tight end set or using Evans or Faulk to chip block). They abandoned the run too soon (48 passes vs. 16 runs--and I don't care if Maroney was only averaging 2.6 yards a carry, they needed to keep him involved to keep the Giants D honest). They passed up a 48 yard FG try in the first half to go for an absurd 4th and 13 (and nothing says "I have zero confidence in you, Stephen Gostkowski, just in case you were trying to psych yourself up to try a game-winning kick down the stretch"). They made, as far as I can tell and completely inexplicably, no haltime adjustments whatsoever. And, worst of all, the Pats opted to run an all out blitz on 1st and goal with 35 seconds to go, as if it wasn't the simplest thing in the world for Manning to loft the ball up to a (as it turns out) wide open Plaxico Burress, who had a good 7 inches on Hobbs (who was single covering him) even if he hadn't fallen down.

I'll even go so far to complain that the Pats had three timeouts and only needed 45 yards on that final drive and thus didn't need to heave the ball downfield, but this concern is overwhelmed by my anger at the fact that Moss barely even made at play at either of those final two passes (remember when you used to jump for the ball, Randy?).

Let it also show that the Pats had three legitimate chances on that final drive to secure their legacy: the 4th and 1 where they couldn't quite stop Jacobs; the certain interception that just slipped through Samuels hands near the sidelines (it would've been tough, but he had a shot...and he's supposed to be their marquee defender, so...); and Eli's Great Escape on 3rd and 5 (if Manning gets sacked, it's fourth and a mile, and if Tyree doesn't make that sensational catch, it's 4th and a season and I'm betting the Pats get that stop).

And, while we're at: fuck you very much, Darin Jordan. Jordan, a glorified third-stringer for the 1995 Super Bowl Champion San Francisco 49ers, appeared on today's episode of Off the Record, and, in his infinite wisdom (he did, after all, make one whole tackle--yes, I looked it up--in the aforementioned Super Bowl--the only game he played that year), saw fit to accuse Tom Brady of playing a terrible game, and then went on to suggest that, had Steve Young or Joe Montana played in Brady's place, the Pats would've won. First of all, you were such a minor contributor to that team, that I wouldn't be surprised if those two legends couldn't pick you out of a police lineup. Second, way to be a class act and way to be a shit-stirrer without providing even a modicum of factual support.

I will say that this outcome looks good on (1) Tiki Barber (who displayed an appallingly large lack of class this season for someone who's roundly hailed as a great guy) and (2) Bill Simmons. Admittedly, Simmons appears sufficiently chastened, but he really dropped the ball with his absurdly premature "Who's Better: the '86 Celtics or the '07 Pats?" column from two weeks ago. (Couldn't you have run one of your bullshit mailbags where everyone sucks up to you? Were you that starved for content??)

(Also, his whole "even-though-I-said-I-thought-it-was-going-to-be-a-rout-more-or-less-constantly-for-the-past-two-weeks-I-saw-signs-during-warmups-that-tipped-me-off-that-an-upset-was-on-the-cards-but-couldn't-tell-my-readers-about-it-until-the-next-day" angle drives me batshit crazy, especially since his arguments--mainly, they weren't pumped enough, Brady shook hands with Pat O'Brien before the game, and Simmons forgot to bring his lucky Welker jersey to the game--are kind of pathetic.)

(Also, him not having a single piece of Pats gear with him in Arizona ranks right up there with the Starbucks trip* during Game 4 of the 2004 World Series on my "are we absolutely sure this guy is a hardcore sports fan?" meter.)

* - Fun fact: in his otherwise pretty great book (Now I Can Die in Peace), Simmons mentions in a footnote that he totally fabricated the Starbucks story to fill a gap in his running diary, which flies directly in the face of what he asserts in the above column.

And, lest there be any doubt that I'm a horrible gambler and shouldn't get within restraining order distance of my mom's pension (losses in red, wins in green)...

1. Jordin Sparks to sing the national anthem in under 1:42, at -115. Bet: $5 (to win $9.34). My girl Jordan (who I pegged as the AI winner last season with about eight weeks to go) finally betrayed me, clocking in at 1:55. I'm now 0 for 2 on this bet.

2. Will there be a lead change in the Second Half? Yes at +200. Bet: $5 (to win $15). Yup.

3. First made FG of the game: Giants at EVEN. Bet: $5 (to win $10). ...and it turns out I was right about NE never attempting a FG.

4. Who will the MVP of the Game thank first? Teammates at 2/1. Bet: $5 (to win $15). I was actually too annoyed to watch his speech, so I'm not positive about this one. There's some conflicting information out there, with some people saying he thanked his teammates first and others saying he thanked no one at all (dick).

5. Mike Vrabel to score a TD at +400. Bet: $5 (to win $20). Nope.

6. first Patriots interception: Rodney Harrison at 6/1. Bet: $5 (to win $35). Sheer greediness on my part here. I should've left this one alone.

7. What Song will Tom Petty sing to end his Halftime Show at the Super Bowl? "Runnin' Down a Dream" at 7/5. Bet: $5 (to win $12). Bam! Come on, admit that you're a little impressed.

8. Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today's annual Ad Meter? Other at 2/1. Bet: $5 (to win $15). I call bullshit on this one, since the Bud (paying 1/2) ad that ended up winning (the Rocky parody) was clearly inferior to at least two of the other ads I saw (E*Trade baby and the FedEx "giant pigeon" spot), but you can't fight city hall...

9. A national TV rating of over 43.5, at -110. Bet: $10 (to win $19.50). Chalk this one up to me not understanding what that rating meant. Over 43.5 would mean that at least 43.5% of all households that owned TVs were tuned into the game...which is a monstrous number. Turns out that 97.5 million Americans watched the game--a SB record and the 2nd highest show ever behind the M*A*S*H finale--so I assumed that I was golden. The national rating, however, was an agonizingly close 43.2. Damn.

10. The Patriots to win the game straight up on the money line, which is -430. Bet: $20 (to win $24.65). Again, kind of silly on my part. If I thought the Pats would win but not cover, I should have just plunked that $20 down on the Giants to cover the spread, but I guess I was hedging against a Pats blowout win.

11. Who will have more points, the Patriots or Kobe Bryant? Kobe (o.5 point underdog), at -110. Bet: $5 (to win $9.50). He's been on fire lately (including dropping 46 on the Raps Friday), so I'll ride the hot hand. Kobe had 30, the Pats considerably less.

12. Who will have more: Wes Welker's longest reception vs. Eric Gordon (+0.5) point total (Indiana University guard)? Gordon at -110. Bet: $5 (to win $9.50). Gordon poured in 29, while Welker--who had a huge game--had a long of 19.

13. What will be higher: # of goals in the Middlesbrough-Newcastle game or # of combined interceptions in the Super Bowl? Interceptions at -120. Bet: $5 (to win $9.17). Soundly reasoned (the soccer game ended 1-1), but there was only one pick.

14. What will be higher: Number of catches for Moss or number of birdies for Tiger Woods in the Dubai Desert Classic? Tiger at +110. Bet: $10 (to win $21). Bam! Tiger finished with nine birdies (and won the tourney to boot), while Moss finished with five catches.

15. What will be higher: Phil Mickelson's final round total (-24.5) or the longest field goal kicked by either team, in yards? Longest kick at -110. Bet: $5 (to win $9.50). Again, well thought out, but completely undermined by only one attempted FG. Remind me again why Belichick didn't try that one on 4th and 13 from the 32? Oh that's right, there's no logical explanation...

All told, I would've turned by $100 investment into $92. Take that, Warren Buffett!

As for how XLII stacks up, I'd probably slot it in at #6, just behind NE-Carolina and just ahead of NE-Philadelphia. While this may strike some as too low (possibly out of spite), I think this is justified, as the first half was a bit of a snoozefest, and the game didn't really take off until the final 15.

Two quick comments:

1. I watched the game with eight or so of my brother's friends (seemingly all pulling for the Giants) in our basement. After Brady overthrew Moss on first and goal with three minutes to go, I was absolutely furious. But, then, two plays later, when he connected with Moss, I leapt straight out of my chair screaming with glee...only to connect squarely with the ceiling. What ensued was me simultaneously cheering and exclaiming "ow...this really hurts." As it turns out, this might've been a bad sign.

2. About twenty minutes after the game ended, I made my way back down to the basement and watched some of the guys play Rock Band (possibly the greatest game ever--but that's another post altogether) while drinking a Mill St. beer. Anyway, at some point while watching, I managed to wedge my thumb in the neck of the bottle, and--again, at some point--must've started moving said hand (possibly to the beat, possibly out of rage), which led to me spraying myself in the face with my own beer--an impromptu faux-champagne celebration for a perfect season that never quite was. As that's probably about as poetic an ending as there could be for me last night, I'll just

"Kids, I know you loved the old Poochie but the new one is going to be better than ten Super Bowls! I don't want to oversell it, judge for yourselves"

Super Bowl XLII Preview (except not really....it's more like a random musings about professional football): I was going to break down the Big Game (capitalization required as per NFL rules) position by position, but that turned out to be really boring, so I've decided not to.

(But, if you're wondering: Big edge to the Pats at QB, WR, OL, special teams, and coaching; slight edge to the Pats LBs; big edge to the Giants DL and secondary; slight edge at RB. You see? Boring!)

Instead, I've decided to go with a few different things: a handful of playoff awards, a list of my favorite prop bets, and (stealing a page out of Shuk's playbook) ranking all the Super Bowls I've seen from worst to first.

Random Musings

a. Misha on Dr. Z. True story. I'm driving Carrie to her written test at the Ministry of Transportation and Misha (who, I'll pause to note, is married with a child--i.e. a real live grown-up) calls:

Misha: did you hear that Peter King picked the Giants to win the Super Bowl?
Me: well...it was actually Dr. Z that picked them to win, but yeah. Kinda surprising.
Misha: that's what I said. Peter King--"Dr. Z"--picked the Giants.
Me: [long pause] huh?
Misha: Peter King and Dr. Z...they're the same guy.
Me: [longer pause, thinking he's just kidding] huh?
Misha: same guy. Dr. Z is King's alter-ego.
Me: [bursting out laughing] No, it's not.
Misha: [silence]
Me: Dr. Z is Paul Zimmerman. He's been a writer at SI for like thirty years. Peter King is...Peter King. Did you think he was a superhero or something? And didn't you subscribe to the magazine for like fifteen years?
Misha: No, I...but.... [pause, starting to sink in] Christ.
Me: [laughing and laughing, almost having to pull over.]

b. the re-birth of Tom Coughlin. I just find this whole subplot hugely annoying. For non-football fans, Coughlin has had, up until this season, a reputation as a hardcore disciplinarian. My favorite story is that, under Couglin, if you play for the Giants and you're less than five minutes early for a scheduled meeting, you're considered late, and fined accordingly. Shit like that drives me crazy. Anyway, not surprisingly, many players bristled at being treated like nine-year olds. So, this year, Coughlin tried--and this is really shocking--not to be a dick to his players. And--even more shockingly--this worked. So now Couglin is getting lots of credit for, essentially, being less of an asshole than in the past. How does this make sense? This is very much reminiscent of the time that SI decided to put Larry Brown and Allen Iverson on the cover, merely because they were no longer at each others throats. In other words: they were celebrated for getting along. Outstanding. I'm not sure how the good citizens of Philadelphia resisted throwing a ticker-tape parade.

c. Gregg Easterbrook, proving once and for all, that he's completely lost his fucking mind. I think Shuk's the only other person I know that has ever read Easterbook (and, so far as I know, he no longer does), so you may not be familiar with his work, but, suffice to say, he's an outright hack. Despite being smacked down by ESPN.com's ombudswoman this season, he asserts in his latest article that:

-"If New England wins [the Super Bowl], the Patriots will not be the greatest team ever -- at least conditionally, until such time as the NFL reveals what was in the Patriots' cheating videos and documents that the league destroyed in September. Maybe once we know the full truth, then a 19-0 Patriots team could be considered the greatest, depending on what the full truth turns out to be."
-"But until such time when we learn what was in those files, even at 19-0, the New England Patriots should not be considered a great team because we cannot be sure whether these wins were earned or stolen. Nor can we be sure whether New England's three Super Bowl rings were earned or stolen."
-"Until we know what was on the videotapes and in the documents the NFL destroyed, there will always be a cloud of suspicion over the Patriots. How much of an advantage did they gain by cheating? Did they really hand over everything to the league? Are they still cheating now? Most important by far, have they cheated in the Super Bowl?"
-"One more thing: In recent months, I've gotten a lot mail that boils down to, "How can you criticize Belichick and the Patriots so harshly and simultaneously praise them so much?" It is not inconsistent to think some person, place or thing is really great (the 2007 Patriots, the United States) yet has significant problems (cheating, lack of universal health care insurance) and is not telling the truth to the public on some matter of consequence (was there Super Bowl cheating, the Iraq war)."
-"So far in the postseason, the Giants have been called for offensive holding three times and the Patriots have not been called for offensive holding. The Pats possess the NFL's best offensive line, but you cannot say with a straight face that the New England offensive line never holds -- Flying Elvii O-linemen got away with several blatant holds against San Diego in the AFC Championship Game. Are the officials too intimidated to make offensive holding calls again Belichick? In New England's last Super Bowl run, the Patriots went through the postseason to the Vince Lombardi Trophy without being flagged for offensive holding. Will offensive holding be treated as legal in Sunday's Super Bowl?"

Dude, if you love the Colts, just fucking say so. But nice job comparing Tom Brady and company to the Bush Adminstration--that's some responsible journalism! (And this story--the timing of which strikes me as extremely suspicious--will probably only encourage him) Read at your own peril.

Prop bets (lots of fun ones here)

1. Jordin Sparks to sing the national anthem in under 1:42, at -115. Bet: $5 (to win $9.34). Note: I lost to Misha on Billy Joel being over this number last year (he--perhaps because he was drunk--raced through it in about 90 seconds.) Jordin is also likely to plow through it, but for a completely different reason: pill addiction nerves.
2. Will there be a lead change in the Second Half? Yes at +200. Bet: $5 (to win $15). This blows up in my face if the Pats put it out of reach early (which they might do), but I'm reassured by the fact that the Pats margin of victory in their three SB wins is: 3, 3, and 3.
3. First made FG of the game: Giants at EVEN. Bet: $5 (to win $10). I'm not even sure that the Pats will attempt a FG--no, that's stupid, never mind. At any rate, the Giants are more likely to have a drive fizzle out in the red zone.
4. Who will the MVP of the Game thank first? Teammates at 2/1. Bet: $5 (to win $15). This one seems like a no-brainer to me, since it's virtually a given that Brady will win. Family is 2/1 (maybe), God is 5/2 (no way), coach is 5/1 (not first), thanking no one 6/1 (no chance). Have I mentioned how much I love prop bets?
5. Mike Vrabel to score a TD at +400. Bet: $5 (to win $20). If New England gets within the Giants 5, they will try to throw to Vrabel. Belichick loves doing this (because, I guess, it's extra humiliating when a defensive player scores a TD). My only concern is that the Giants will prepare for this and overplay Vrabel, leaving, say, Watson wide open.
6. first Patriots interception: Rodney Harrison at 6/1. Bet: $5 (to win $35). Eli--who many now seem to think is great simply because he hasn't been terrible in the playoffs--is due.
7. What Song will Tom Petty sing to end his Halftime Show at the Super Bowl? "Runnin' Down a Dream" at 7/5. Bet: $5 (to win $12). This is a tough one, since he could easily do this first and close with, say, Free Falling (2/3) or Into the Great Wide Open (9/1), but "Runnin'" rocks the most, so I'm going with that. I'm also placing a fictional $1,000 on Petty (who I actually really like) not being nearly as awesome as Prince in the rain last year (1/20).
8. Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today's annual Ad Meter? Other at 2/1. Bet: $5 (to win $15). Budweiser, McDonalds, Victoria Secret, Pepsi, and GoDaddy.com are all given odds (Bud's the favorite at 1 to 2), but I'm taking the field here. My guess? Something from Workopolis or Monster.com. Remember those "monkeys in suits" ads from a few years back? I loved those...
9. A national TV rating of over 43.5, at -110. Bet: $10 (to win $19.50). Note: Pats going for 19-0? An opponent from the biggest TV market in the country? I would bet the over here even if they set it at 53.5. This should be record-breaking.
10. The Patriots to win the game straight up on the money line, which is -430. Bet: $20 (to win $24.65). This does seem a little silly, but screw it: despite all the Giants backwaggoning, I'm nearly positive that the Pats will find a way to win. As for covering? That's a different story...

11. Who will have more points, the Patriots or Kobe Bryant? Kobe (o.5 point underdog), at -110. Bet: $5 (to win $9.50). He's been on fire lately (including dropping 46 on the Raps Friday), so I'll ride the hot hand.
12. Who will have more: Wes Welker's longest reception vs. Eric Gordon (+0.5)point total (Indiana University guard)? Gordon at -110. Bet: $5 (to win $9.50). Gordon's averaging 21.4 ppg, but has only scored 47 in last three conference games and his team is playing an awful Northwestern squad (so he may not play much in the 2nd half) but I'm going with him over Welker, who's had lots of catches in the playoffs (16), but none for longer than 12 yards.
13. What will be higher: # of goals in the Middlesbrough-Newcastle game or # of combined interceptions in the Super Bowl? Interceptions at -120. Bet: $5 (to win $9.17). I'm thinking that Manning will throw at least 2 picks and Brady probably 1 che--wait, why the hell am I analyzing this?? It's soccer! The over-under for every single soccer game has to be 1.5 (or 0.5). All kidding aside, Middlesbrough and Newcastle are both having lousy years (ranked 14th and 12th in the Premiership, respectively), so while a high scoring affair is possible, I'm guessing it'll be more like 1-0 or 1-1.
14. What will be higher: Number of catches for Moss or number of birdies for Tiger Woods in the Dubai Desert Classic? Tiger at +110. Bet: $10 (to win $21). Tiger has thirteen birdies through three rounds (4.33 per round), but he's starting the day tied for fifth and will need to make up ground on Els, so let's bump that up to 7. I'm predicting Moss will have more of an impact in this playoff game than the other two playoff games (combined: 2 catches, 32 yards, 0 TD), but probably more along the lines of 4 catches, 135 yards, and a TD. Tiger's the pick here. (Though this wager does raise a technical question: does Tiger's action include birdies or better, or just birdies? Based on the wording, I actually think it's the latter.)
15. What will be higher: Phil Mickelson's final round total (-24.5) or the longest field goal kicked by either team, in yards? Longest kick at -110. Bet: $5 (to win $9.50). Mickelson's gone 68-68-67, but he's four back going into Sunday and he's playing in Scottsdale, so you know he's mad to win. I'm predicting he goes low, maybe something like 65, which'll drive the longest kick down to something like 41 yards, which seems manageable. Of course, if Mickelson blows up and shoots 74, I'm probably screwed.

These bets are all fictitious, of course; but if I actually made them and hit on all fifteen, I could convert $100 into a cool $235 (doesn't that seem like it should be higher?).

Super Bowl Rankings

This goes back as far as 1987, the first SB I actually watched in its entirety (though I don't remember it especially well). For the record, I've been drunk for every Super Bowl dating back to 1997, so I'm not exactly the most reliable witness for many of these games. On that note, off we go...

Absolute Dogs

21. (SB37, 2003) Tampa Bay 48, Oakland 21: I watched this one in Misha's old apartment across from Central. Despite being favored by 4 points, the Raiders absolutely shit the bed, with my nemesis--league MVP that year but wholly overrated--Rich Gannon throwing five interceptions, three (!) of which were returned for touchdowns. You would think that would make me happy--the misery of others, etc.--but, no. I was simply a grumpy drunk. Misha points out that this was especially bad game because both teams proceeded to stink the year after the played for the championship--combined, the two teams won only 21 games over the next two seasons, and while the Bucs have gotten better (two playoff trips in the last three years), the Raiders continue to profoundly suck---making it almost as if this Super Bowl never happened (I wish!). As an added insult, I couldn't stay over that night, so Misha had to drive me home and there was a snowstorm, so that sucked, too. All told, this is easily the worst SB that I remember.

20. (SB35, 2001) Baltimore 34, NY Giants 7: I saw this at Misha's place and vividlt remember thinking that the Giants had absolutely no chance (though it turns out that they were only three-point dogs--I would've guessed it was closer to 12). Memorable for the first use of EyeVision (aka "the Matrix cam"), which actually came in handy on a goal line review. One other fun fact: the Giants had the ball 16 times and yet never scored an offensive touchdown (their lone points came on a kickoff return TD). As an added insult, the Backstreet Boys performed the national anthem. Really? In 2001?

19. (SB24, 1990) San Francisco 55, Denver 10: I watched this one at one of my parents' Super Bowl parties. The best part was definitely the sundae bar during the 4th quarter (a Wasko family tradition! After, of course, caesar salad and chili--in a bread bowl--during the first half). Just one year after barely outlasting the Bengals to win SB23 (see #4 on this list), the Niners absolutely trounced the Broncos in what is still (and likely to remain) the most lopsided Super Bowl in history. Montana (22-29 for 297 yards, 5 TDs) and Rice (7 catches, 148 yards, 3 TDs) were both sensational. Looking back, I have to say that, aside from the sweet Orange unis and the incomparable Hank Scorpio Simpsons episode, there's not much to like about the Denver Broncos: Phase One, who managed to drop three Super Bowls in four years by an astonishing average of 32 points a game (39-20, 42-10, and 55-10)...and probably wasted a good 14 hours of my life in the process. I actually wouldn't have minded the Browns sneaking one of those years...

18. (SB27, 1993) Dallas 52, Buffalo 17: saw this one at home. Total dud. Memorable only for the state of Arizona being exposed as horribly racist and Leon Lett's gaffe (which isn't on YouTube. The hell?).

17. (SB29, 1995) San Francisco 49, San Diego 26: at home. An awful game that every knew was going to be awful (the Niners were a preposterous 18.5 point favorites). I recall everyone wanting it to be SF-Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl, but the Chargers upset the Steelers in the AFC title game. I'll confess, I don't remember much at all about this game (aside from Steve Young's 6--6!--TD passes), so I'll throw it over to Wikipedia for its description of the halftime show (which sounds so ridiculous that it has to be true):

The halftime show was titled "Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye" and was produced by Disney to promote their Indiana Jones Adventure attraction at Disneyland that opened later that year. The show featured actors playing Indiana Jones and his girlfriend Marion who were raiding the Vince Lombardi Trophy from the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. The show also had performances by singers Tony Bennett and Patti LaBelle, jazz trumpeter Arturo Sandoval, and the Miami Sound Machine. The show ended with everybody singing "Can You Feel The Love Tonight", the song featured in Disney's (which later acquired ABC) 1994 film The Lion King.

No further comment necessary (though you have to love Disney's big "fuck you" to the NFL, with a halftime show that was essentially treated as an infomercial about the theme park.) That sounds...awesome.

16. (SB41, 2007) Indianapolis 29, Chicago 17: at mom and dad's place. Relatively amusing in the lead up to the game because Misha's then-fiancee (now wife) Jessica was absolutely irate that reporters kept making a big deal that both the head coaches (Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy) were black, think it absurd that people would even bother to dwell such a fact in 2007 (her exact words, I believe, were: "what year is this again??") I remember being excited for roughly four seconds after Devin Hester returned the opening kickoff for a TD, but then Indy marched down the field and score with almost-scary ease, and it was basically all over after that. Prince kicked ass at halftime, but the rest of the night was forgettable. Even the commercials sucked (remember that Snickers ad?).

15. (SB22, 1988) Washington 42, Denver 10: at home. Amusing only because Denver scored the first ten points in, like, two minutes and thought they were going to win, only to have the Skins reel off six consecutive touchdowns. Totally demoralizing. On the plus side, The Wonder Years--one of the best shows of my youth--premiered after the game.

14. (SB21, 1987) NY Giants 39, Denver 20: watched at home. Honestly, Denver, do you have no shame? This was first Super Bowl experience and, since 9 of the first 11 Super Bowls I saw were pretty much terrible, for a long time I just assumed that big game was supposed to suck (I was not especially bright).

13. (SB28, 1994) Dallas 30, Buffalo 13: watched at home. Another fairly brutal game. Apparently, the Bills--ten-point underdogs--were actually up 13-6 at the half (which I don't remember at all) before the Cowboys reeled off 24 unanswered in the second half. Thankfully, this is the last of the truly dreadful games, which leads to this question: how much would you be willing to pay to have all nine of these games in a DVD set? $9? $7? I might be willing to go as high as $5, but no more.

Bad Games That Were Still Somewhat Intriguing

12. (SB33, 1999) Denver 34, Atlanta 19: watched at Misha's. Well...um...let's put it this way, if the game itself is eclipsed by one of the participants paying $40 to be blown in the French Quarter that's...not good. It's also worthing noting that the final score isn't representative of how one-sided the game actually was, as the Broncos led 31-6 halfway through the 4th quarter. This was another year where we were robbed of the dream match-up (14-2 Denver vs. 15-1 Minnesota), as the Vikings gagged against the Falcons in the NFC Championship. The best part of this night, by far, was the series premiere of Family Guy afterwards.

11. (SB30, 1996) Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 17: watched at home. My last sober Super Bowl. Highly unremarkable. There was a bit of buzz surrounding Kordell Stewart, but the Cowboys were such big favorites (13.5 points) that everyone's expectations for the game were low...which was probably good thing. The postgame Friends episode--their highest rated ever--wasn't much fun either.

10. (SB31, 1997) Green Bay 35, New Engand 21: watched it in Greg Costigan's basement. Again, kinda boring. Remind me again why I decided to do this?

9. (SB26, 1992) Washington 37, Buffalo 24: pop and chips party at Misha's. Kind of a dull game, but a terrific match-up...and nothing says "Super Bowl fever" like January in Minnesota. Good work, Super Bowl promoters! Was Alaska all booked up? I just remember being in awe of that Redskins team--they were fantastic.

8. (SB40, 2006) Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 17: watched in a pub in Australia. Since I was in Korea for the regular season and Australia for part of the playoffs, this was kind of a lost season for me. In Korea, Rob and I were able to watch Monday Night Football on Tuesday nights (but only after I begged the administrator at our school to sign me up for a pirated version of the Armed Forces Network) and Lions' games online through NFL.com, but I wasn't as in to this season as year's past. Because of the time difference, Carrie and I had to get up at 9 in the morning to watch the game and I had to ask three different people that worked in the bar to put the game on (standard staff reaction: "Sup. Er. Bowl?" Me: [increasingly impatient] YES!). On the plus side, being drunk at 11 a.m. was...interesting.

Good Games

7. (SB32, 1998) Denver 31, Green Bay 24: at home. Elway's first title. This was game was actually tied in the fourth quarter, a Super Bowl first, I believe. Memorable for me because, in classic video game fashion, Packers coach Mike Holgrem allowed the Broncos to score on second-and-goal with under two minutes to go (putting Denver up 31-24), so that the Pack would have a chance to tie it up in regulation. Though it didn't work out for Green Bay, I still think it was the right move. (Shuk might disagree.)

6. (SB39, 2005) New England 24, Philadelphia 21: in our (ok: Jon's) house on Olympic Cres. Very exciting game with a few interesting subplots--Terrell Owens coming back from a big injury, the Pats going for their third title in four year, McNabb going for his first, would Paul McCartney playing anything from Wings during his halftime show?--but ultimately fell short of classic status because I never really thought the Pats were ever in danger of losing (because I've never bought in to McNabb being sick as the reason).

5. (SB38, 2004) New England 32, Carolina 29 (almost a classic): at Misha's. Peter King calls this "the greatest Super Bowl ever," which, with all due respect, it clearly is not. That said, it was undeniably compelling (and only partly because of Nipplegate), as the fourth quarter (37 points combined points scored) was an old-fashioned shootout. However, I'm knocking it out of the top category as the rest of the game (the first half in particular) wasn't all that thrilling.

Classics

4. (SB34, 2000) St. Louis 23, Tennessee 16: at Misha's. This one started very slowly (9-0 Rams at the half), but the second half was awesome. I'd forgotten this, but the Titans were actually down 16-0 before tying it up in the fourth quarter. This was immediately followed by a Warner to Bruce bomb to make it 23-16 Rams with 2 minutes to go. Then, of course, the Titans drove it down to the Rams 10 and were stopped at the 1 as time expired. While, eight years later, I question the wisdom of throwing a pass short of the goal line on the last play of the game, it really looked like he was going to score, plus it was super-intense. This was also the year that I managed to spill beer on myself twice in two vertical strips, thus earning the nickname "Beer Suspenders" for the rest of the night (and part of the subsequent year).

3. (SB23, 1989) San Francisco 20, Cincinnati 16: at home. Great, great game, capped off by Montana's 11-play, 92 yard drive for the clinching touchdown. Oddly, I started out cheering for the Bengals (who were 7 point dogs), but then got irritated that everyone in the house was cheering for Cincy, so I--in true 10 year old fashion--changed my allegiances to San Fran. On the other hand, Misha, who would later become a die hard 49ers fan, rooted for Cincy here.

2. (SB36, 2002) New England 20, St. Louis 17: at Misha's. A classic because it was so unexpected (the Pats were 14 point underdogs and it possibly could've been more--that Rams team looked unstoppable). My favorite memory from this is that when the Pats got the ball on their 20 with 1:30 left and the game tied at 17, John Madden suggested that the Pats take a knee and send it into overtime--seemingly believing that they would do better relying on a coin toss instead taking matters into their own hands. Instead, they marched it down the field and Vinateri popped a 48-yard FG to win it, which is probably the clutchest thing I've ever seen. As an added bonus: U2 played at the half. Good show all around.

1. (SB25, 1991) NY Giants 20, Buffalo 19: at home, #2, #3, and #4 are all close, but this one remains the gold standard. It had it all: stars (Jim Kelly, Lawrence Taylor, Thurman Thomas, Bruce Smith), clutch performances from role players (Ottis Anderson, Jeff Hostetler, and Mark Ingram), memorable plays (Ingram's 3rd and 13 catch and run, the kick), heroes (Anderson and Matt Bahr), and a goat (poor, poor Scott Norwood). Interestingly, I think if Norwood's make that kick and the Bills win, this isn't the #1 game, as there's something kind of haunting about that missed FG, especially since Norwood was out the league for good barely a year later. But, regardless of the way that final play went, this was an epic tilt.

My pick, by the way, for Sunday (if anyone is still alive/reading this): New England 38, NY Giants 28.

"You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!"

The One-Third(ish) of the NFL Season Recap

Greatest NFL Uniforms Ever, Bar None: The Chargers powder blue unis from the Air Coyrell era (see left). I thought they'd retired these bad boys, but I'm happy to report that they're back...for at least one game this year. Memo to Chargers: wear these every week! It's not like you're going to play any worse than you already have.

Rule that Needs to be Changed Immediately: last-second timeouts called by coaches on the sideline. In Week 2, Sebastian Janikowski, the Raiders kicker, made a 52-yarder to win the game, only to have the FG negated by a last-second timeout by Mike Shanahan. Janikowski then missed the do-over kick, costing his team the gamell them on FG. (Though they did get payback in Week 3 against Cleveland, by doing the exact same thing against the Browns and winning as a result). This came up again at the end of the Week 5 Monday Nighter, when Dallas's game-winning FG was negated by a last-second TO by Buffalo coach Dick Jauron. Happily, Polk made the second kick, ensuring the win for the Cowboys.

1. Taylor's wish: A kicker misses the last second FG, but gets a reprieve due to the opposition calling timeout, then making the follow up.

2. My wish: the reverse (make, timeout, then miss) in a super-important game. I'm kind of torn here, since I would hate to see something like this mar a big playoff game, like, say, the Super Bowl. But I'd probably be willing to accept a tainted Wild Card match-up for the sake of getting rid of this ridiculous rule.

Actually, screw that. You're telling me they can't get all the owners to vote on this one during the season? Hell, David Stern increased the length of the first round of the playoffs from five games to seven (so the theory goes: in an effort to ensure that the struggling-but-clearly-the-league's-best-team-as-well-as-the-biggest-TV-draw-going L.A. Lakers didn't crap out early in the playoffs, costing the NBA untold millions in marketing dollars) just prior to the All-Star Break a few years back. Why hasn't the NFL done the same?

The quick and easy solution is to make it so that in the final minute of a game, only players on the field can call a timeout. That way, if you do want to try a last-second icing, it'll at least cost you one player's effort. And if he doesn't call the TO in time, so be it--you're screwed.

Overreaction of the Year: Look, I, too, wish that Cameragate hadn't happened, but, boys, chill the fuck out (see Peter King's Week 2 MMQB column, as well as Gregg Easterbrook's shrill TMQ rant, where he drops the word "Nixon" ten times in five paragraphs--dude, we get it. It was a stupid move on Belichick's part. But, seriously: you want to make him ineligible for the Hall of Fame? The fuck?? I thought the Brookings Insitute was supposed to be reputable...). Happily, Easterbrook was later slammed by ESPN's Ombudsman, which is always embarrassing/wildly entertaining (it really is the grown-up equivalent of being yelled at by a crossing guard, isn't it? You know you shouldn't feel bad, but good luck not getting upset.)

Enduring Hilarious Subplot: Peter King being in love with Brett Favre. I don't even really have a joke here. I just think it's funny. I mean, they actually text each other.

Subplot That's Just Plain Annoying: the whole "aren't the Patriots running it up a bit too much against their opponents?" Belichick is actually fielding questions about this during press conferences. Am I missing something? Is this not a professional football league? Here's a tip: you know what you can do to not lose to the Patriots by 21 points [their average margin of victory thus far]? Play fucking better.

Absolutely Ridiculous Stat That is, Somehow, Actually True: The Lions are now 0-21 all-time against the Redskins in Washington.

The Much Ado About Nothing Award: I actually like Brett Favre and I think his resurgence is one of the truly interesting stories this season, but let's face facts: through Week 6, Peyton Manning is only 138 touchdown passes behind Favre. Is there any chance that he doesn't shatter this record? (See also: Rodriguez, Alex and Bonds, Barry.)

Worst Ads: Budweiser's "salute" to NFL fans. These make me angry every time I see them. Like the Jets fan referencing Super Bowl 3 (sorry: III). Like the Dolphins fan referencing the perfect season which--news flash--happened 35 fucking years ago. Arguably, the one with the Cowboys fans is the least egregious, as they are talking about a dynasty from roughly a decade ago, but even that is borderline. Put it this way: I consider myself a die-hard Tigers fan, and I consider the 1984 World Champion squad to be one of the best ever (they started 35-5! Won the AL East by fifteen games! Dropped one playoff game!), to the point where I had a framed copy of the '84 team picture up on the wall in my office when I was in grad school. But, if you ever hear me mentioning the '84 sqaud as a reason to root for the current team, you have my permission to shoot me in the face. You know why? Because those two teams, now 23 years apart, have, aside from their uniforms (and even those have changed) have absolutely nothing in common. If I ever met any of those fans--honestly, dude, Joe Namath's grandson might be too old for the NFL--I would laugh and laugh (and laugh) at them. (I'm fairly certain that Bud handed this ad campaign to a company that had no football knowledge but, to compensate for this, promptly went out and bought a football almanac. "Quick, Johnson, flip to the facts and figures section. I don't want to lose this account!")

I'm eagerly awaiting the spot where some bird watcher, Audubon guide in hand, critizes the timidity of the cardinal, only to have an Arizona fan burst out of the bushes and exclaim: "oh, you don't like the Arizona Cardinals, eh? Perhaps this is because you've forgotten that, as recently as ten years ago, we won a playoff game? Or maybe you don't realize that we have the newest stadium in the NFL. Cardi-nals. Cardi-nals!" (Also: "You mock the Houston Texans? How dare you!? It must have slipped your mind that Houston happens to be in Texas--I mean, look at their nickname, Geography Wizard!--only the most populous state in...the entire country. Tex-ans! Tex-ans!")

[Because I can't stop and I just saw this one: there's now a Cleveland Browns ad. Note: this is a team that has never even participated in a Super Bowl and, indeed, hasn't won a championship since 1964. This is a team that didn't even exist for five years in the 90s!! Impossibly, the--I assume--psychotic Browns fan approvingly sites the fact that they haven't won a championship since the Super Bowl started, almost like he's proud of it. Yeah, we love football, but we loved it when it was pure. It's gotten too commercial now. It used to be about the grammar...

Fantasy Football Resurgence: After opening a combined 1-7 in my first three weeks in my fantasy leagues, I went a combined 5-4 in the next three weeks. Say, that's really not that impressive at all, is it? Damn. Well, I've reeled off three wins in a row in the one league I'm paying for to get to 3-3. Still not amazed? Hmmm. I'll get back to you...

Game of the Year: Buffalo vs. Dallas (Week 5). Runners-Up: ummm...Denver vs. Buffalo (Week 1), Indy vs. Tennessee (Week 2), Cincy vs. Cleveland (Week 2), Chicago vs. Minnesota (Week 6). I had to look most of those up--what is up with the dearth of good games this year? It's a little disconcerting.

Sixteen Games To Get Legitimately Excited About (Note: Some don't even involve the Pats or the Colts): Week 7: Jacksonville vs. Indy; Week 8: Washington vs. New England, Denver vs. Green Bay; Week 9: Indy vs. New England (game of the year), Dallas vs. Philadelphia; Week 10: Dallas vs. NYG, Indy v. SD; Week 11: Detroit v. NYG (if only because my Lions will be revealed as frauds here...unless it happens sooner); Week 12: yikes!; Week 13: Dallas vs. Green Bay (on a Thursday no less!); St. Louis vs. Atlanta and Miami vs. NYJ (horrifying little mini-tournament for, arguably, the four worst teams in football. If St. Louis and Miami don't win their respective games here, they could both go winless, something that this--again, arguably--tougher than going undefeated); Week 14: San Diego vs. Tennessee, New England vs. Pittsburgh; Week 15: Seattle vs. Carolina; Week 16: Denver vs. San Diego (the Monday Night game...and Denver should still be steaming from the 41-3 drubbing they took from SD back in Week 4.); Week 17: New England vs. NYG.

One-Third MVP: Tom Brady. And it's really not very close at all. I could see Peyton Manning and Randy Moss possibly being in the discussion, but it's Brady's to lose (which [spoiler tag] he won't) at this stage.

This Cannot Be a Good Sign: 44-year old Vinny Testaverde started for the Carolina Panthers last Sunday. His respectable numbers (20 of 33, 206 yards, 1 TD, no INTs) have more to do with Arizona's rather porous defense than anything (on his lone TD pass, which was a 60 yard bomb to the incomparable Steve Smith, the Cardinals cornerback simply stopped defending after 30 yards) but this raises a bigger point: where the hell are all the good QBs?? Did you know that the Cardinals--willingly--offered to pay Tim Rattay to play QB for them? It never ceases to amaze me how, in a league that has 96 QBs on its roster (32 teams x 3, though some teams actually only hava one backup), only a dozen or so are competent. Which is another way of saying: 7 out of every 8 quarterbacks in the NFL are basically terrible.

I thought I'd look up some draft stats on this subject. From 2002-2006 (I didn't include the 2007 draft, since most of the QBs there haven't had a chance to distinguish themselves), 71 quarterbacks were drafted. Of those 71, here are the ones I'd consider adequate or better: David Garrard (2002); Chris Simms, Carson Palmer, Byron Leftwich, Kyle Boller (2003); Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Philip Rivers, Matt Schaub (2004); Alex Smith, Jason Campbell (2005); Vince Young, Matt Leinart, Jay Cutler, Kellen Clemens (possibly) (2006). That's 14 (or about 1 in 5) quarterbacks having "made it," with roughly triple that number no longer in the league at all. That strikes me as pretty weak. More on this another time...

Fantasy Killers: Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, Rudi Johnson, Steven Jackson, Drew Brees, Lee FUCKING Evans (note: I hate you, Lee Evans), Hines Ward, Marc Bulger, Vernon Davis, Devery Henderson, Joe Horn. Thanks for showing up, guys. I hope I'm wrong about LJ, since I traded him straight up for Brees three weeks ago.

Fantasy Sleepers: Derek Anderson, Jason Witten, Dwayne Bowe, and Devin Hester. Funny, I envisioned this list being more substantial.

Projected Records:
AFC East: New England (16-0), Buffalo (5-11), NY Jets (3-13), Miami (1-15)
AFC North: Pittsburgh (13-3), Cleveland (9-7), Baltimore (8-8), Cincinnati (7-9)
AFC South: Indianapolis (14-2), Jacksonville (10-6), Tennessee (10-6), Houston (6-10),
AFC West: San Diego (11-5), Denver (9-7), Kansas City (7-9), Oakland (5-11)

NFC East: Dallas (12-4), NY Giants (11-5), Washington (10-6), Philadelphia (6-10)
NFC North: Green Bay (11-5), Detroit (8-8), Minnesota (7-9), Chicago (7-9)
NFC South: Tampa Bay (10-6), Carolina (9-7), New Orleans (6-10), Atlanta (3-13)
NFC West: Seattle (9-7), Arizona (7-9), San Fran (5-11), St. Louis (2-14)

Note: Initially, I had New England going 15-1, losing to either Indy or Pittsburgh. But screw it, I'm rolling the dice. I think they can do it (unless Brady dies or something...).

Playoffs:
First Round Byes: NE, Indy, Dallas, Green Bay
Wild Card Round: Pittsburgh over Jacksonville (WC), San Diego over Tennessee (WC), Washington (WC) over Tampa Bay, Seattle over NY Giants (WC)
Divisional Round: NE over SD, Indy over Pittsburgh, Dallas over Washington, Seattle over Green Bay
Conference Finals: Dallas over Seattle, NE over Indy
Super Bowl: New England 45, Dallas 24