"It sucks to be a Storm Trooper with a heart..."

Oscar Post-Mortem

Five Things about the Oscars, plus (a blog first!) a reader mailbag...

1. My picks: I went 16 for 24 this year (just like last year, oddly), though I should note that, after I posted my picks online, I went back and listened to the two nominated songs from Slumdog and realized that I had the titles mixed up, and the one I thought was going to win (and did win--"Jai Ho," from the closing credits) was not the one I selected. (Yes, I included it as part of my sixteen, since I picked it correctly in the Oscar night pool).

2. Films, by number of Oscars won: Slumdog: 8 (picture, director, adapted screenplay, original song, original score, cinematography, sound mixing, editing); Benjamin Button: 3 (visual effects, makeup, art direction); Milk: 2 (original screenplay, actor); TDK: 2 (sound editing, supporting actor); Wall-E: 1 (animated); The Reader: 1 (actress); VCB: 1 (supporting actress); The Duchess: 1 (costume--nailed it!); Man on Wire: 1 (documentary). For anyone keeping track, my Top Five of '08 hauled in a measly three awards--supporting actor, sound editing, animated--or, the same number as Benjamin Button. Even more impressively, my Top Ten bagged...three awards. Goddammit.

Of note is that, according to my research, Slumdog is only the fourth movie in the last fifty years (I didn't go back beyond Ben Hur) to win Best Picture without receiving any acting nominations. Guesses for the other three? Hint: they've all happened in the last 25 years. (Here's the list of winners, but no cheating beyond that.)

3. The show itself--what I liked:

(a) Steve Martin and Tina Fey: hilarious (as always).

(b) the movie from start to finish gimmick: (though as Viktor, who I watched the show with, pointed out, that means they really should've done Best Picture immediately after the Screenplay awards, since "without a producer getting involved, these things just don't get made"--fair enough). Although I have to admit that I didn't even realize they were doing it that way until about an hour in...and it really didn't add all that much to telecast (though it did help move things along, since the same presenter would often give out consecutive awards).

(c) Hugh Jackman, for the most part: The cheap opening set was a pretty good gag, as was bringing out Anne Hathaway (as many may know: I'm a big fan). I also liked the bit where Jackman "admitted" he hadn't seen The Reader, which was pretty hilarious. (I'm more or less positive, btw, that Billy Crystal used that same bit during one of his eight stints as Oscar host, but I perused the Best Picture nominees for each of those years, and nothing jumped out at me. Does anyone remember this? Here's the master list if you're interested--he first hosted in 1990, last in 2004.)

(d) Apatow's comedy short: funny, funny stuff, especially the parts where they were laughing at the serious movies. This five minute segment is, somewhat uncomfortably, more entertaining than the last hour of Pineapple Express.

(e) that Jerry Lewis's lifetime achievement (him?) acceptance speech was mercifully brief: I still have flashbacks to Warren Beatty's interminable speech after receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the '07 Globes (this was compounded by his clip package being tremendously awkward, as it stopped abruptly--or, at least, should have--after Bugsy). Nice work, Professor.

(f) that the guy that wrote the score for Slumdog Millionaire (A.R. Rahman) actually sang (on the soundtrack and during the show) the two original songs that were nominated: impressive. Suck on that, Hans Zimmer.

4. What I didn't like:

(a) the second musical number: Oh, my. How many different ways can I describe this as unnecessary? (Several...fortunately, I won't subject you to it.) Suffice to say, it's somewhat hypocritical of the Powers That Be to publicly fret over running time*, then subject viewers to an incredibly self-indulgent musical number about musicals themselves. Also: I tuned in to watch the Oscars, not the Tonys.

* = including only offering the three Best Song nominees three minutes (total) to perform their songs. (And, yeah, earlier I bagged on Peter Gabriel for not participating, but I've come around on this one.)

(b) the fact that Jackman didn't even attempt a monologue: if only so I could've criticized him for paling in comparison to Jon Stewart. (Note: stop blaming JS for the shitty ratings. You want big numbers, try nominating a $100 million movie for Best Picture...)

(c) the "five former winners announcing the nominees in the four acting categories" thing: because there's nothing more endearing than actors lavishly praising other actors (endearing means "douchey," right?). For one thing, these segments went on forever--they did the Best Supporting Actress one almost immediately after the show started (at, say, 8:45), and, for a moment, I was panic-stricken that we would miss the last subway* home). Furthermore: we didn't get to see clips from the performances! Major misstep...and something I hope they scrap next year.

* = 1:44 a.m.

(d) Stiller's wandering during the Best Cinematography presentation: Look, the Joaquin Phoenix impression was actually pretty good (though it has a shelf life of approximately 70 days--it's almost instantly dated and will make absolutely no sense to anyone in even five years...), as was Portman's throwaway line about Stiller looking like he worked in a "Hassidic meth lab" (which didn't get the response it deserved), but Stiller deciding to wander around aimlessly while Portman announced the nominees for Best Cinematography, thus leading to the unfortunate situation wherein the crowd appeared to be laughing at the kick-ass footage from The Dark Knight, Slumdog, et al.? Totally shitty. Are you so fucking egomaniacal that you have to take attention away from cinematographers (Vik informs me they're technically "directors of photography")...who are lavished with praise for all of four minutes every year (two minutes at the Golden Globes, two minutes here)? Kind of a dick move.

(e) Penn over Rourke: bums me out. Will Mickey ever get this close again? The odds are stacked against him. My big thing is, while I thought Sean Penn did a great job as Harvey Milk, I feel like several other people could have played this role (Jon Hamm?) without the movie suffering much at all (or: at all), while The Wrestler only works with Rourke.

(f) BB > TDK: twice. Let's recap. The makeup people for BB: made Cate Blanchett look old; made Brad Pitt look very old; made Brad Pitt look like Brad Pitt; then, later, made Brad Pitt look like a slightly younger version of Brad Pitt. The makeup people for The Dark Knight, on the other hand: were responsible for the Joker (arguably, the best use of makeup in the past quarter century). That said, the guys over at /Film (a site and podcast I highly recommend) are adamant that Hellboy II (a movie I haven't seen) should've been the clear winner, so who knows?

The visual effects snub is even more infuriating. Are we really supposed to believe that digitally transferring Brad Pitt's face onto a tiny old man's body is even in the same realm of impressiveness as the cold open bank robbery in TDK, or the chase scene through Gotham City?? Carrie, Shuk, and I went opening night, and the entire theatre burst into applause when Batman did that jump turn off the wall on his Batbike (is it really called that?)--and that was like the 8th or 9th coolest part of that scene. Can anyone vouch for something similar in Benjamin Button? (I do believe Misha applauded when the credits started, but he was being facetious, so that doesn't count...). Gah.

(g) that I didn't bet the over on Slumdog taking home 4.5 or more Oscars: I'm obviously an idiot. I mean, I projected seven or eight on Saturday night. Totally gutless.

5. Reader mail (which, admittedly, is actually just the comments to my Oscar preview that I'm pretending are mailbag questions):

Quesion Mark Said...

1. Fincher's SIXTH best movie (yes, I'd put Button behind Panic Room)

2. Wow, I didn't know they used some CGI for Eckhart's makeup. Huh...that's a bit of a 'corked bat' moment. Hellboy 2 really should win this hands-down, but it may have been hard to tell exactly what was makeup and what was CGI.

3. Wow, did I really miss the boat in not seeing the new Hulk movie? Top twelve? Wow.

1. I dunno man, Panic Room was kinda lame. The most intriguing part of the movie was whether or not that was supposed to be Jodie Foster's son or daughter. (Answer: daughter...it turns out that girl was Kristen Stewart. Huh.)

2. see 4(f).

3. If you can get past Liv Tyler's inexplicable decision to whisper every single line she has, I think you'll find The Incredible Hulk to be very satisfying. The climactic battle--shot on the streets of Toronto--is the closest I've seen a superhero movie come to rivaling the awesomeness of Superman vs. The Kryptonians street fight in Metropolis (my major beef with other movies that have attempted this: when incredibly strong entities throw other incredibly strong entities into objects, the damage should be catastrophic.)

Per Dog Per Day said...

This is super childish, and I'm not going to get into an analysis, but how is Pineapple Express worse than Young People Doing It?

It has a lot to do with expectations, frankly. PE was billed as this riotous stoner comedy/legitimately entertaining action movie, when, in reality, it was only half of that...and only about half the time. I was openly checking my watch during the second hour (and, if I recall correctly, trying to get Carrie to knock me unconscious every time Rosie Perez--how did she not win a Razzie?--was onscreen).

YPF, on the other hand, didn't seem to promise a lot (small, Canadian movie) but delivered a fair bit. Of the five stories, two worked pretty nicely (The Roommate and The First Date), one was legitimately sweet (The Best Friends), one was mildly forgettable (The Exes), and one kinda fell flat (The Married Couple--which had a couple of good laughs, but was fairly uninspired). All in all: there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes. I'm curious why you're so down on this one.

Taylor said...

First off, Benjamin Button was excellent. I've heard people say there was not much to it, but it was a good drama. Did you want him to go to war to make it even more like Forrest Gump or something? Not sure what you guys were expecting.

My brother...and erstwhile blog commenter...who only seems to comment when he appears to deliberately misread my comments. First of all, given that I thought TCCOBB was already too much like FG, why would I want it to be more like it? (Also, he did sort of go to war...during that hard-to-follow boat shootout with the Germans.) As for it being "excellent," well, I mean, I pretty clearly disagree. It wasn't terrible by any stretch, but was entirely too long (did we really need the stuff in present day New Orleans? Or the extended sequence where we were shown the chain of events leading up to that thing that happens to Cate Blanchett in Paris? Thank Christ Slumdog Millionaire--which, if you liked Button, you will find so good that you may actually poop your pants in the theatre--won best editing. I don't even know if it's good drama. What was dramatic about it? Were you at all surprised that he, ultimately, got the girl? What was the point of him aging backwards? What did we learn from that? I would argue that the only part that qualifies as dramatic is the final thirty minutes, which isn't so much tense as fucking agonizing (and that's not meant as an insult--it was well done, but very difficult to watch).

Secondly, your top 30 list has a few surprises:

1) I would have thought you'd like Burn After Reading more.

2) I'm going to call bullshit on your #1 pick, mostly because I think you wanted to shock us by picking Iron Man over The Dark Knight. There's no way you enjoyed it more than The Dark Knight or, say, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

1. First of all, don't steal my "I'm going to call bullshit..." line. I won that fair and square from Television Without Pity in a truth-telling contest two counties over.

2. BAR was pretty funny, but not terribly memorable (and doesn't so much end as just stop).

3. First, there's a difference between "best movie" and "most rewatchable movie." Comedies tend to win in the latter category. For instance, Step Brothers is (to my mind) clearly the most re-watchable movie of '08--FSM is #2...then probably TDK. Putting Dark Knight third may seem unfair, but you have to remember that it clocks in at 160 minutes, so you have to be pretty motivated to want to watch it at 2 in the morning. But, more importantly, why in the world would I want to fool people into thinking that Iron Man was my favorite movie of the year? Who am I trying to impress? (Travis?) I went back and forth between Wall*E, Iron Man, and The Dark Knight probably a dozen times between July and now...and I eventually settled on Iron Man because I remember walking out of the theatre and thinking: "I couldn't possibly be more satisfied with a movie." The Dark Knight, undeniably, has better set pieces, is the more "serious" movie, and more epic in scope, but it wasn't funny like Iron Man (I'll submit that the scene where Stark flies for the first time--which ends with him crashing back into his mansion--is the funniest scene in any movie last year). Nor did it capture (because, well, Batman's really not built that way) that rush of adrenaline that the hero gets from fighting crime. Nor did it have RDJ.

(What's especially intriguing about this discussion is that I know for a fact that you weren't bowled over by the third act of The Dark Knight, so it's not like comparing the two films is totally outrageous.)

"Court? At Night? I'm Laughing Already!"

Best of Television: 2008 Edition

Back in July, when reviewing the best of '07, I wrote:

Having just completed S1 of both Mad Men and Breaking Bad (note: actually a 2008 show. Rats.), I think it's time to quickly (and retroactively) rank my Top 16 Shows of 2007 (that is to say: the 2007 season--which may, confusingly, have begun in September 2006--for shows. In other words, S1 30 Rock is eligible, early S2 eps that aired late in the year are not. So, unless my math is off, things like S5 of The Wire, S1 of Chuck, and S1 of Life won't be eligible until my Best of '08 List...hopefully appearing in December. You know what? Now I'm confused. Stupid strike....

I'll be honest, I don't even know what that means now (did I have a minor stroke partway through writing that sentence?). So, screw it. Instead...if it aired in '08, it's eligible. In some cases, I'm looking at two different seasons for some of these shows (season ending in May, starting up again in September).

Standard disclaimer: I don't count shows that air daily, otherwise my top four would look a lot like this: PTI, Jeopardy!, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report. Note that all of my comments are limited to programs I actually watch (i.e. no Grey's Anatomy talk here--not even to say how fucking awful it is. Also: no FNL talk, which I really should be watching).

Some Opening Remarks

Try Harder: Scrubs (which, in fairness, it seems to be in '09) and Damages (note: it didn't technically air in '08. Still...try harder).

Just Fucking Give Up Already, OK?: Heroes, Entourage, and The Hills

Worth mentioning: The Celebrity Apprentice (meh...whatever, I still watch it); Reaper (I got a little tired of the formula, and consequently stopped watching after the first eleven eps, but I'm now told that it got really good after that, so I'll have to check it out again); Battlestar Galactica (I'll come back to it eventually--I swear.)

The Top 30

30. ER: the grand old dame, still getting it done...sort of. Looking forward to Carter's return.

29. The Bachelor/Bachelorette: god help me. I've cut myself loose from the shackles of The Hills, but I can't shake this show. The Bachelorette was delightful this year (due in no small part to Jasob being so obviously suited for DeAnna, yet DeAnna ended up going for the other guy for the sole reason that Jason had a kid...yet she could never say that--since it would make her look awful--so she came up with a series of convoluted reasons for it not being right. Shocker of shockers, she's no longer with the other guy, and is now openly pining for Jason) and The Bachelor (through two eps in 2009) has been compelling thus far (helped by this tidbit: DeAnna is coming back to the house to try to win Jason back--though you can never trust ABC promo monkeys, so who knows...). Sorry, that was a very questionable paragraph on my part. So...football is awesome, eh?

28. Corner Gas: I was late coming to this show...and I regret that, because it's legimately funny (and I don't mean it's passable but gets bumped up because it's Canadian; I mean it's actually amusing). Too bad this is the final year.

27. Dragon's Den: that's right, two Canadian shows...and back to back no less! I really this one...despite liking only one of the five Dragons (the new guy). Part human interest story, part math problem, part Apprentice (minus all the awful stuff, which nowadays is pretty much everything that doesn't directly involve Invanka Trump being awesome), and part "smack yourself on your head because you can't believe you didn't think of that super-obvious invention." It's as close as you're going to get to interactive TV (and, yeah, I'm excluding the scratch and sniff ep of My Name is Earl).

26. Kitchen Nightmares: The transition from "Gordon bitches out restaurant owners, reveals to them to their obvious weaknesses, and then completely re-designs their menu to much critical fanfare" to "Gordon bitches out restaurant owners, reveals weaknesses, then takes them out for some sort ridiculous character-building exercise--boxing classes to promote assertiveness, screaming into the canyons to let out pent-up rage--then re-designs their menus" has not, I'll admit, been all that welcome, but there are far worse ways to spend an hour.

25. Worst Week: ...though I have a sneaking suspicion that this show is O-V-U-H, as the first post-wedding episode was perfectly awful. Mind you, prior to that: funny.

24. American Dad: It may not be running on fumes (like the Simpsons) or be totally out of gas (Family Guy), but this current season suggests that the writers no longer have their fastball, including something that I'd previously thought impossible: an episode centering entirely on Roger (the show's best character) being completely and painfully unfunny (the one where his personality split in two). Still, it's good for two or three big laughs an episode (with the added bonus that it could come from any of the following: Stan, Francine, Roger, Klaus, Bullock, or Steve...sorry Hayley, you're just not that funny). And it probably deserves a spot for "Tearjerker" (the Bond spoof episode) alone.

23. Hard Knocks: Great show...I'm stunned/embarrassed how long it took me to start watching it. One unfortunate by-product, however, was me wildly overvaluing all Dallas Cowboys in my fantasy leagues. Case in point: in the Osgoode league, I picked the following guys--Jason Witten, Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Patrick Crayton--in the first ten rounds, prompting some to ask me "what do you plan on doing when the Cowboys have a bye?" Shut up--that's what. Also, this series led me to believe that the Cowboys were going to win the Super Bowl. If that's not a tribute to the filmmaking, I'm not sure what is...

22. Pushing Daisies: Even if I wasn't always in the mood to watch the show (its tweeness could be exhausting at times), I was always satisfied when I did tune in. I'll be honest, I don't really miss it at the moment (too much new stuff coming back--a re-invigorated Scrubs and 24), but, come September, I'm sure I will. Allow me to be the 4,000th fan to say: movie?

21. House: not sure if I can say the same thing about House, which is becoming less appealing on a weekly basis. Hugh Laurie, Sean Leonard, and (to a slightly lesser extent) Lisa Edelsteing are all amazing in their roles, so I can't criticize them, but everything else? Oh, my, yes! My biggest pet peeve--well documented by Alan Sepinwall and, presumably, others--is that, without fail, the patients of the week now--miraculously--mirror (either vaguely or exactly) the personal issues of the doctors treating them. Examples: pregnant patient (Cuddy), patient dying young as a result of a rare illness (Thirteen), bisexual patient (Thirteen), philandering patient (Taub), patient who is agoraphobic and reminds Cameron of her husband who died (Cameron), patient who is a bully or something (Kutner), excruciatingly boring patient (Thirteen). Whoops, that last one is made up. And I've just discovered that the episode that's going to air on Monday features a patient whose symptoms--wait for it!--mirror House's exactly. Oh, good! Yes, it's still good on occasion ("House's Head" and the one where House and Wilson go to House's dad's funeral), but, 97 episodes in, the show is staggering towards syndication.

20. American Idol: hiss away (I assume you're all Harvard law students), but this show? Is still getting it done. Season seven--admittedly, only the second I've watched from start to finish (I used to bail after the audition eps)--was the strongest one I've seen (even though everyone watching it/running it were so certain the sky was falling that they decided to do a major revamp) and produced the first winner (David Cook) that could legitimately be huge. Yeah, Simon aside, the judging is horrendous, but isn't that part of the fun? Of course it is. Also, four words: American. Idol. Drinking. Game.

19. Fringe: what could easily have been a totally forgettable X-Files clone has developed into something much more impressive. I'm still not sold on Anna Torv in the lead role (I mean: she's ok, but she's certainly not capable of carrying the show all on her own, something the producers seem to be recognizing), but the supporting cast is excellent. Joshua Jackson--yes, Pacey--is great, and his father on the show (John Noble, who you'll probably remember as Denethor, aka "the King who went crazy in Return of the King") is amazing as a mad(dish) scientist, who, having regained his sanity (sort of), is starting to come to grips with his past misdeeds. Seriously, he's terrific.

18. Generation Kill: Possibly a bit of a cheat, since this was a one-off seven episode mini-series, but it deserves to be recognized (hmm...given my readership, "recognized" is perhaps a tad too strong--"mentioned," perhaps?). I was slow to warm up to this one (notably: I fell asleep for parts of each of the first four episodes--though one of those times I was on an airplane, so that may not count), but it built up to something very powerful. In particular, the montage that closes the series out (to the tune of Johnny Cash's "When the Man Comes Around") is a doozy. Check it out.

17. How I Met Your Mother: This show... boy, I dunno. I'm pretty torn here, since ever since I discovered this show in season two (as in: I personally discovered it, not: I unearthed it for all the world) it's been in a serious slide, yet several of the people I tirelessly sung its praises to (Shuk, my brother), who only began to tune in in season three, love it. In addition, the commenters on Sepinwall's site are so in the tank for the fourth season, I've started to wonder if I'm actually watching a completely different program than the one they are. Needless to say, I no longer comment on the eps.

My beef? I just don't think it's that funny anymore (often I don't think it's funny at all.) I don't like Robyn and Barney together. I didn't like Stella. I don't like how Lily is given nothing to do (except riff on the B-plots of other characters). I don't like that they've strayed from being a funny show about something resembling real life into full-blown sitcom territory (with convoluted plots that, in the real world, could be resolved in about six seconds...and can only be maintained if all the characters involved agree to act as ridiculously as possible.) And I don't like Ted.

Still, on occasion, it's not without its charm--I just wish those moments weren't so few and far between.

16. South Park: not quite feeling it with this new season...and I'm starting to wonder if "Imaginationland, Part One and Two" will end up being the last legitimate high notes for the series. We'll see.

15. This American Life: the season finale--from their website: "The story of one life, told through the lives of people from all over the country, all named John Smith"--is easily the most beautiful, profoundly sad, and life-affirming thing I watched on television all year. With all due respect to the 14 other shows I'm going to list after this one, it's was the single best 45 minutes of TV in 2008.

14. Life: Damien Lewis. Damien Lewis. Damien Lewis. He's just so great (as is the music). Truth be told, two out of every five episodes here are rote police procedurals, and two more out of five are probably only slightly above average, but it's that fifth episode--Russian mobsters or Charlie uncovering still more pieces of the conspiracy--that elevate this show to the upper echelon.

13. Top Chef: I still think the judges are dicks (inexplicably, Tom Colicchio seems to have gotten it in his head that the show is popular because of him, and insists on insinuating himself into plotlines), but the concept is terrific. Note: always watch while eating (it's the anti-House).

12. Chuck: the little show that could (or something less patronizing). By all accounts, it would've been cancelled had there not been a strike, so it was lucky to get a second season, but boy have they capitalized on it. While Chuck is best developed character on the show (and extremely well played by Zachary Levi), he is, at best, the fifth or sixth funniest character (behind, in no particular order: Captain Awesome, Big Mike, Morgan, Casey, Jeff, and Lester). This is good. Also, the suspension of disbelief quotient is off the charts here, so I really shouldn't care about what happens to these characters, but God help me, I do.

11. Gossip Girl: I moved this up three spots solely on the basis of a tree-mendous late '08 episode which focused on the aftermath of (SPOILER, highlight to reveal) Bart Bass's death--not only was it a great ep, but they included maybe the best back-to-back musical cues ("Signs" by Bloc Party, quickly followed by "Slow Show" by The National) I can ever remember. You know, it's easy to dismiss this show as pure puff (and, to a certain extent, I don't disagree--although, if you have 30 minutes to spare, I can go into minute detail about why this show is approximately 6,000 times superior to the new 90210), but the performances are so strong here (in particular: Chuck, Blair, and Rufus Humphrey) that I'm willing to forgive quite a bit (in particular: why should I care about the goings-on at an ultra-snobby NYC private school?).

The Top Ten

Note: I think this Top Ten is a strong as any in the past, say, twenty years (and, if you're looking at just the top five, maybe ever--I know that's a bold claim, but, seriously, find me a time when there's ever been five shows that are this, simultaneously, on top of their game.* I don't think you can.**). Promise me that, in 2013, when every hour of television programming (primetime or otherwise) will involve Jay Leno in some way, shape, or form, that we'll meet back here...and weep.

* = Here's the best I could do: 1985--> Hill Street Blues, Family Ties, Cheers, Dallas, and The Cosby Show (and L.A. Law will premiere in just under a year). You could also make a case for 2002, with five of the following: The West Wing, 24, Alias, Angel, Scrubs, The Shield, The Wire, and Six Feet Under. Still, I'll take 2008, thanks very much.

** = Note to Shuk: do not come back to me with a list that contains Golden Girls.

10. Breaking Bad (S1): unrelentingly dark. And if you're surprised that Bryan Cranston is this good of an actor, you really shouldn't be.

9. Dexter (S3): (Note: I almost dropped this out of the top ten upon discovering that Michael C. Hall married his in-show sister in real life, partly because it's kinda gross, but mostly because she's a terrible actress, but I didn't. I'm bigger than that. Barely.) Before the season started, I wondered aloud if Dexter wasn't running out of steam. Now that it's over, the verdict? Um...sort of. There's no doubt that they're spinning their wheels--SPOILER Was there any doubt after, say, four episodes, that Dex was inevitably going to have to kill Prado? Of course not; also: it's hard to convey any sort of meaningful sense of peril when you know the main character isn't going to be killed--but it's still a pretty entertaining ride. Just know that the Dexter of S1--dark, tortured, totally removed from society--is long gone, replaced instead with a largely sanitized version of the character, and that this is probably a bad thing.

8. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (S?): Goddamn, this show is hilarious.

7. In Treatment (S1): as soon as I heard about this show, I was excited. That said, it's much, much better than I anticipated. Excellent writing (in many ways, the first season is actually 43 one-act plays, which, admittedly, won't appeal to everyone) plus great performances (even from show-killer Melissa George) adds up to an incredibly satisfying show. A special shout-out to Glynn Turman, for his outstanding guest performance as Alex's dad.

6. The Office (S4/S5): They are absolutely killing it in season five...though they can't end this Andy/Dwight/Angela thing quickly enough. Wise of them to abandon the super-sized, 60 minute eps (which always petered out after 35 minutes) and smart of them to play to their strengths (Michael, Jim, Pam, Dwight). The fake sales call between Jim and Dwight in episode 5.6--and, not coincidentally, the closest the show has ever hewed to the original British series--is probably the funniest thing they've done in three years (you'll have to Hulu it).

5. Lost (S4): "The Constant" immediately puts this in the top ten, the remainder is what bumps it up five more spots. With a better season finale (which was by no means bad, but paled in comparison to S3's gut punch of an ending), it'd be #3. I'm already on the record about this, but I'll say it again: fixing an end date was the best thing they could've done for this show (something that #9 on this list would do well to consider).

4. 30 Rock (S2/S3): "I want to go to there."; "I'll just tell Don Geiss that I let a subordinate with an unaccredited theater-tech degree do a billion dollar handshake deal while my girlfriend and I showered together at a Red Roof Inn."; Jack: "The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They told us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions." Liz: "I'm so sorry." Jack: "I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner."; "I wandered around the building all night. I didn't run into another living soul... except one gigantic lesbian. Who is Conan O'Brien, and why is she so sad?"; "I was destined to create a video game were players get weird with each other for golden points. My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart, and you're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart."; "I got business sick on my suit."; "I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea."; "I'm like the Michael Clayton of Cleveland."; "Cooter Burger? What am I, a cartoon dog?"; "Shut it down!"; "If there's one thing I've learned, it's keep your friends close and your enemies so close it's like you're kissing."; "It's just "G" now, Jack. I sold the "E" to Samsung. They're Samesung, now."; "Nobody flies without medication anymore. Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?"; "There's going to be a detour. Don't follow it. It's a trap."; "We all have ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness."; "And I definitely would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank."; "What kind of a mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church?"

And even that doesn't really do the show justice. (That said: weakish through two eps in '09. Hopefully not a trend.)

3. Mad Men (S2): were it not for two late season episodes with Draper in California (which I thought were basically crap), this show would've opened with the strongest 26 episode run (S1 and 2) of any show ever. As it stands, it'll have to settle for one of the strongest openings ever. Jon Hamm: great actor or greatest actor? Those are your only choices.

2. The Wire (S5): true, S5 wasn't the best season (admit it, it wasn't), but it's still the fucking Wire. Top to bottom: it's the strongest show in television history. I miss it.

1. The Shield (S7): I'm putting this seventh season right up there with S2 of The West Wing, S1 of Veronica Mars, S4 of Angel, both seasons of Sports Night, S2 of Buffy, S5 of The Larry Sanders Show, seasons 7 through 9 of Seinfeld, S2 of Alias, S2 of 24, seasons 3 through 6 of The Simpsons, S1 and the second half of S3 of Lost, seasons 2 through 5 of Dallas, S1 of Dexter, season 1, 3, and 4 of The Wire, S2-3 and 6 of ER, S2 of HIMYM, both seasons of the British Office, S1 of Extras, S1 of Mad Men, seasons 3 and 4 of The X-Files, S5 of The Shield, S2 of the US Office, S1 and 2 of 30 Rock, and S2 and 5 of Friends as one of the best seasons of any show ever (and the series finale--"Family Meeting"--in the same breath as my two all-time favorites: The West Wing's "Tomorrow" and (my #1) Angel's "Not Fade Away")

I should probably write more, but the show is so densely plotted that I'd end up giving something away (even inadvertently). Just watch it.

"This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened..."

Team Up #4: Kyle and Shuk Discuss the Emmys

Mark: So yeah, Emmy madness! What was the ratio of Emmy-watching to football-watching on Sunday night?

Kyle: Hmmm...probably about 3 to 1. We had it on ABC when the Emmys were running and then I flipped it to NBC during the breaks...but I was following the game play-for-play online like a psycho (fantasy implications and all). You?

Mark: Surprisingly close to half-and-half. The Packers kept on disgusting me with their play-calling, so I flipped over to discover Howie Mandel disgusting me with his inane patter. Then I flipped back to more bad football. It was a yo-yo of discontentment on Sunday night.

Kyle: Yeah...that was an odd game. They seemed very tight (and not in the cool way when kids say it). It was Carrie, Ryan, and I here and, throughout both events, I kept muttering, "oh...Shuk isn't going to be happy." Then Lost lost and I think I just blurted out "poor Shuk!"

Kyle: ...so they both may or may not think I'm obsessed with you...

Mark: Wait, you're NOT obsessed with me?

Kyle: (Officially: it's a healthy fixation. Unofficially: well, you know...)

Mark: You know what, though? As much as I was pulling for Lost to win, at least I was consoled by the fact that a) it has a Best Drama trophy already (hmm, almost wrote 'Best Dharma' there) and b) at least Lost lost to a good show.

Kyle: Good points. Would've been nice but, ultimately, I was pulling for Mad Men (and anti-pulling for Damages).

Mark: Yeah, if it lost to Mad Men or Dexter, no big problem. If it lost to Boston Legal or House, well, that would've been galling, but at least my parents would've been happy. But if Damages had won....to quote my friend Matt, there would've been shit on the Academy's floors. Is Damages really that bad? I've never actually seen it.

Kyle: I mean, it's ok (barely). But, really, it's like a decent legal thriller that lasts for 11 hours. Would you watch a director's cut of Fracture that was that long? It's incredibly shallow, and, even if I weren't going to law school I think I could figure out that their tactics are blatantly ridiculous.

Mark: So really, we should be celebrating its defeat. Huzzah! *clinks glass* I guess this leads us into the first talking point, 'biggest disappointment.' As I said, I had made my peace with a potential Lost loss, but Michael Emerson losing just really pissed me off.

Kyle: Actually, this is the one place where Damages is pretty strong, with two worthy candidates. Ivanek was deserving -- note: not MOST deserving...that was clearly Emerson -- and, how shall I put this: he probably won't be eligible next year.

Mark: I was shocked both since Emerson lost but also by the fact that Ivanek won....he wasn't on the radar at all. But I guess in hindsight it wasn't surprising given that he's been on pretty much every show on TV at some point, so he's built up a lot of goodwill.

Kyle: If I'd been in any Emmy pool, I would've allotted no more than 5 points out of 100 to Emerson. I just thought he had no chance (if not Ivanek, then Danson). Remember, these are the same people that didn't think Henry Ian Cusick made the top five. For "the Constant." The best Lost episode ever. Which featured only him and one other character.

Mark: A fair point. Though Terry O'Quinn won in a semi-upset last year, so I figured they'd want to give at least some token nod to Lost given how it got screwed in every other category.

Kyle: Hmmm...true.

Kyle: I have three big disappointments: 1. Jeremy Piven winning Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy again. As Sepinwall noted: he was given NOTHING to do last season (which was completely terrible). NPH or Rainn Wilson (who, if I'm not mistaken, has never won) were both far more deserving.

Mark: Agreed (more on this later in the 'most deserved/undeserved' topic).

Kyle: 2. (this one you'll dispute) The Amazing Race winning Best Competitive Reality Show AGAIN. Did you know that they've given this award out SIX times and it's gone to TAR every year? Top Chef--perennially underrated--was a better choice.

Mark: It is somewhat absurd that TAR has won every single time, but given that it was the only one I watched of the nominees, I can only applaud the Academy's wise choice in this case.

Kyle: Grrrr.

Kyle: And 3. the hosting. My God, the hosting! Those first five minutes (post-Oprah...hell: including Oprah) were among the most painful minutes I've ever spent watching television. I cannot for the life of me fathom how no one (Kimmel, evidently, aside) figured out that doing an opening monologue about nothing was a disastrous idea. It almost ruined the whole night. The crowd was stunned into silence for about half an hour. It'd be like Conan's warm-up guy coming out at 12:20, taking a dump on the stage, giving the crowd the finger, and walking off.

Mark: A commenter on TWOP put it best....'they could've gotten the five nominees from any other category and they would've done a better job than these five. Including the tech categories.'

Kyle: lol...initially, I actually thought it was a send-up of bad hosting, but, no, they were actually trying.

Mark: I actually think Tom Bergeron would've done a solid job if it was just him as a solo act. Maybe Probst too. But the other three....ye gods. Though then we wouldn't have gotten to hear Heidi Klum introduce Boreanaz as star of 'The Bones.' Between that and being stuck with Lauren Conrad as a presenter, it was Angel's worse night since Buffy sent him to hell.

Kyle: I was out paying the pizza guy, so I missed it, but I was following the EW liveblog and couldn't stop laughing. The Bones! They should actually change the title to that.

Mark: That's actually the working title of my pilot script about a skeleton who solves crimes. I'm hoping to get Calista Flockhart. (rimshot)

Kyle: Nicely done. btw, how big of a fuck you to viewers (or possibly to Hills fans) was it to have LC give out the two writing awards of the night?

Mark: It would be sort of awesome if the MTV cameras followed her there, so we can get a Hills episode about 'LC's Emmy experience.' If a scene shows up of, say, Paul Giamatti shaking her hand that ends up on the Hills, I think the universe would explode.

Kyle: Confused Hills viewer: "Is that her grandfather?"

Kyle: At least Probst acknowledged that it was their fault the show was running long.

Mark: It was great how it took about five minutes for the hosts' performance to become a running joke. I think it was Piven who got things rolling in his speech.

Kyle: I'm just stunned that they got through rehearsal. Had to have been a case where they didn't even practice it and just said "ah...we're quick on our feet. We'll be fine." But no, they weren't. And they broke the only rule I remember from being a radio co-host: "don't talk when someone else is talking. It sounds awful." Howie, Howie, Howie...

Mark: That was a career-ending performance from Mandel. If that group of hosts was Voltron, he was the head.

Kyle: [frantically wikipediaing "Voltron"]

Mark: Best/worst presenter?

Kyle: Best: Gervais. He may have saved the show with the Carell bit. His Golden Globe speech when he was the unexpected winner for the original Office remains my all-time favorite. ("I'm from Britain. You may remember us. We used to rule the world before you did.")

Mark: No arguments here...Gervais should host the show next year, no question about it. How awesome would Gervais be at a roast? My god, he would be legendary.

Kyle: Stewart and Colbert were solid, but I wasn't blown away by the prune bit.

Mark: Honorable mention to Sally Field, as she and Tom Hanks temporarily reliving Forrest Gump was pretty cute.

Kyle: That was adorable.

Mark: Oh! And NPH and Kristen Chenoweth. Maybe they could host the show next year. If NPH and Chenoweth were to host, it would raise their profiles and give them a better shot at winning, too. I wonder what their bit was that got cut?

Kyle: I'm almost certain they were going to sing something. Ever seen NPH belt out "Confrontation" with Jason Segel on some random talk show? Awesome.

Mark: Here's the clip!

Mark: Have faith! I choose to blame any problems from last season on the strike.

Kyle: Let's hope. But I hate the whole Barney/Robyn thing, which is apparently unavoidable.

Kyle: Lots of bit-cutting sniping last night, eh? Someone else mentioned it. Maybe they should have steered clear of those (Conan's aside) painful "hey, we're on the set of [insert famous show here]. How cool is this?" segments.

Mark: Yeah, it seemed like they had the idea to do a big blowout for the 60th anniversary, but then were told at the last minute to get it to three hours or else. Those tributes to, like, seven randomly selected great shows were pretty pointless. [Note: all but one coming from shows from the 90s or the 00s--way to give the shaft to every other program than The Mary Tyler Moore Show released prior to 1985, Emmy Producers!]

Kyle: And who the hell picked those scenes? The Desperate Housewives one, in particular, went nowhere and was painfully dull...they even bricked the West Wing one, which seems almost impossible. "Here's a scene were President Bartlett pontificates about assassinating some random terrorist"--the hell?

Mark: As the last DH fan on the planet, that was horrifying. To quote the Itchy & Scratchy boss when meeting Abe Simpson.....God, you're so old!

Kyle: As for "worst presenter," I dunno...I hate (coughEmmywinnercough) Kathy Griffin...and much of the Rickles stuff was intensely uncomfortable (especially when he later won and came back all "aww shucks. I'm so damn lucky!"). That might be my pick...but mostly everyone else was forgettable.

Mark: I actually enjoyed that bit. Griffin wisely just kept out of it and let Rickles do his thing. So we've agreed, next year's five hosts should be NPH, Chenoweth, Gervais, Rickles and Carell.

Kyle: Again, not the biggest Rickles fan. Could he come as Mr. Potato Head? Anyone (professional hosts aside) that really got on your nerves?

Mark: The Laugh-In thing was technically a presenter, right? That was painful. Laugh-In is quite probably the most dated show of all time.

Kyle: As it was happening: I actually called home to ask my mom "is that what Laugh-In was really like?" My God! Horrifying!!

Mark: Okay, best speech. I'd have to go with Cranston. He seemed genuinely touched to have won.

Kyle: That was very heartfelt. As was, surprisingly, Colbert's speech. I dug Tom Hanks (esp. the stuff about the election of 1800), but was totally distracted by his (the consensus at our place was ladies') glasses.

Mark:

Hanks: Oh shit, I forgot my glasses!
Rita: I don't have mine either. Just ask the guy next to you if you can borrow his.
Hanks: Good idea. Excuse me, sir....
Ron Jaworski [Note: The Polish Rifle!]: Overheard you Tom, here you go!

Kyle: hehe...I liked Smothers too...though he seemed a bit rusty.

Mark: Smothers was good. Now THEIR show isn't dated at all. I remember watching it as a kid and howling at them and this one great deadpan stand-up comic they had. Man, I should look that up on YouTube....

Mark: It was odd, Dick Smothers was there, but....didn't get an Emmy? Did he not write? He already had one? He wanted to give his brother a moment in the sun for all those years of Mom liking Dick best?

Kyle: Yeah, I wondered about that too. I think (though I haven't bothered to verify any of this) that Tommy was the one that was considered radioactive at the time, but Dick was safe, so he probably got his at the time.

Mark: Makes sense. Seems odd that a guy named 'Dick Smothers' could be considered the normal one, but there you go.

Kyle: But my favorite was (again) Tina Fey...the one where she thanked her parents.

Mark: Yeah, Fey was 3-for-3 on good speeches. She is truly awesome. Was there really a 'worst' speech?

Kyle: Probably not. Piven came across as a smug fuck, most likely because...he's a smug fuck, but his dig towards the hosts was deserved.

Mark: Worst part of the speeches was that literally everyone got played off by the orchestra after about 10 seconds.

Kyle: Agreed. The pacing was horrible. Totally hypocritical of the Emmys to let big wheels like Hanks and Close talk about politics, but if some no name director wins, they just cut him off altogether.

Mark: Perhaps they're fans of irony. "It's important that we live in a country where freedom of express.." CLICK.

Kyle: lol. How annoyed would you be if you were an award winner, got played off, and then came back to your seat to watch them throw it to a gratuitous commercial during that interminable "best reality host" segment? I would've been like that guy that went after Noel Gallagher...

Mark: Heh. You would know his moves, too.

Mark: Biggest shock?

Kyle: Cranston, definitely. Loaded category and he manages to come away with it? That was stunning. You should watch Breaking Bad, by the way. The first season is only six eps.

Mark: That was the biggest surprise award-wise, for sure. And yes, it's on my list of shows to get to. I just finished S2 of Dexter, so I'm getting there. The biggest shock for me was "Huh, how about that, the guy who wrote Recount is named Danny Strong. Odd that there's two guys with that name in Holl....OH MAN, THAT'S JONATHAN FROM BUFFY!!"

Kyle: Oh, right...I meant to tell you about that. I remember reading about it in Time and thinking I was in the episode where he's the biggest star in the world.

Kyle: Minor shocks: Matthew Weiner winning Best Writing For A Drama Series, not for "The Wheel" (the brilliant season finale), but for "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" (the great, but not nearly as memorable series premiere). Also: Damages got Best Ensemble over Mad Men during the Creative Emmys--how is that even possible??

Mark: I'd have to check this, but I would wager that pilots more often than not win the writing awards. It's easier for new viewers to judge the pilot since the whole point of a first episode is to introduce the conflict and characters. They might not have appreciated the nuances and payoffs of The Wheel.

Kyle: Hmmm...that actually kind of makes sense. Though, as a rule, applying logic to award shows is a bad idea.

Mark: True. Most deserved/undeserved win? (We've sort of covered this already, I guess).

Kyle: The big ones were good for the most part: MM, 30 Rock, Fey, Baldwin.

Mark: I'd throw in Colbert Report winning the writing award as well. Long overdue....though this might ruin Colbert's running joke about being screwed at the Emmys.

Kyle: Nice one! He can still fall back on losing to Rickles for Best Variety Host. He's now lost to Manilow, Tony Bennett, and Don Rickles. Seems unfair to put a season's worth of work from Colbert or Stewart up against a one-off performance. Can't they just get rid of the token golden oldie in that category, since they invariably win? I mean give them a new category, not, like, kill them or anything...

Mark: Whatever, Kyle. You've wanted Tony Bennett dead for years.

Kyle: [darts eyes around furtively] I don't have the foggiest idea what you're talking about...

Mark: It's the dog with the shifty eyes!

Mark: Most disappointing win was Piven, agreed. That's his third Emmy. That puts him in the ballpark of David Hyde Pierce, John Larroquette, etc. and that's just not right.

Kyle: Speaking of Laroquette, did you know that OMNI is now showing Night Court re-runs? I can't decide if it's aged poorly or not. Larroquette blatantly ogling prostitutes he's ostensibly supposed to be prosecuting is still pretty hilarious.

Mark: Ooh, I'll have to check those out. I loved Night Court. If I could somehow borrow your height (editor's note: Kyle is 6'6"), I'd go as Bull for Halloween.

Kyle: That's a good idea!

You: "hey, everyone, I'm TV's Richard Moll!"
Everyone: "huh?"

Mark: Hmm, you're right. I'd better go with my backup idea....Evan Handler.

Kyle: "Hey, everyone, I say less than 100 words in the SATC movie and spend a disturbingly high proportion of my on-screen time shirtless and on top of Charlotte!"

Mark: So to complete the costume, I need to get in bed with Kristen Davis? Well, if you insist....

Kyle: Careful, she might try to drink you.

Mark: ***Mark's response here was removed in the spirit of keeping this chat from getting an NC-17 rating***

Kyle: Yeah, I really teed that one up for you, didn't I?

Mark: I would've drilled it, then ran off the tee box riding my club like Boo Weekley.

Kyle: Gah...I'm too bitter to even discuss the Ryder Cup.

Mark: Never underestimate the power of Sergio to find new ways to gag. Prediction: Monty is the captain in 2010 and Europe has it clinched by Saturday evening

Kyle: 1. Did you think Europe had a chance at any point on Sunday? (I just wasn't feeling it for the Euros this time. They looked flat on Sunday.) 2. Faldo's getting killed by the British press, but I'm not sure what else he could've done.

Mark: 1. Yeah, absolutely. Wasn't it 10-9 at one point? It was just then that the three close matches in progress all went America's way. 2. It's ironic that the slam-dunk captain's pick (Casey) played poorly, while the question mark (Poulter) was probably the best player of the weekend. But still, not picking Clarke was a critical mistake.

Kyle: Picking Clarke was probably a no-brainer, but I like Poulter over Monty. Eventually, you need to start looking to the future, otherwise, when Monty breaks a hip in 2012, all the youngsters would be totally untested. (Also: Poulter went 4-1).

Kyle: Still want to know how poorly Clarke played aside from those two tournament wins NOT to qualify for the team. Also: the course was way too easy. Wasn't it slightly suspicious that Holmes (who, if I'm not mistaken, ordinarily puts like Happy Gilmore) was routinely dropping 30-footers?

Mark: Still say it was an ego thing. Faldo wanted to be the sole veteran leader of the team, hence no Clarke. Valhalla has never been known for its difficulty. Though, really, they generally stay away from the real monster courses for the Ryder. I guess they figure the pressure is tough enough on the players.

Kyle: Both good points. Wait, what were we talking about again?

Mark: Pretty sure this was a Ryder Cup chat, but.....oh wait, the Emmys. We've got to pull this together, lest we end up as badly off-track as last night's broadcast.

Kyle: Zing! Do we have anything left? Lightning round?

Mark: Best/worst overall category and any other WTF moments, but we could just wrap those into a lightning round.

Kyle: I think we both agree that Best Actor in a Drama Series was the powerhouse of the night. Worst?

Mark: Dramatic actress seemed weak, though that's just because I don't watch any of those shows. Supporting actress in a comedy was pretty ridiculous.

Kyle: TOTALLY. Jean Smart? Really??

Mark: The only acceptable winner there was Chenoweth. No doubt.

Kyle: The whole category was screwed up, though: Poehler over Wiig from SNL, Holland Taylor, Vanessa Williams, etc.

Kyle: Best Miniseries should've been done by acclimation, instead of: John Adams and three piles of garbage (2.75, actually, as the first hour of Andromeda Strain was kinda cool).

Mark: Battlestar and the Wire both finally get token writing nods, and of course neither win.

Kyle: For a split second, I thought the Wire might come through. Oddly, I was rooting against it, both because the nominated episode (the series finale) wasn't especially mind-blowing and because, since it didn't win, I can still trot out the fact that According to Jim has won more Emmys (one) than the Wire, one of five greatest shows in TV history. Yay, bitterness!

Mark: It's weird, the Oscars usually uses the writing awards to recognize the "you're probably the best, but you're too quirky to officially award" nominee. But the Emmys never do.

Kyle: Hence Flight of the Conchords getting snubbed...although it's hard to argue with Fey's win...or even the other 30 Rock script ("Rosemary's Baby"--"I'm assuming that a Halderman reference.")

Mark: If only MILF Island had been nominated.

Kyle: Have you heard the rumor that they were supposed to give Best Song out last night, but buried it during the Creative Broadcast because there were rumblings that "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" would win?

Mark: Wow, I didn't even know they had a 'best song' category.

Kyle: Yup. It was Damon, FoTC twice (Most Beautiful Girl and Inner City Pressure), something from MADtv (still on the air, evidently!), and something I'd never heard of.

Mark: To the interweb! I have to find this just so I can make sure that Dick In A Box got its just reward two years ago. What won?

Kyle says: (It did.) And Damon won. Apparently Silverman gave a somewhat heartbreaking speech...

Mark: Well good.

*dusts off hands triumphantly*

Hopefully Marshall's song about slapping Barney was also considered.

Kyle: There's a site called "The Envelope" which lists what people submitted and what was shortlisted. Not sure about Slapsgiving.

Kyle: What about Groban's medley? Thumbs up or down? And, either way, what do you wish had been included that wasn't?

Mark: I only caught bits and pieces of it, so I don't know what did or didn't get it. Pretty sure the Emmys did this exact same thing 10 years ago, but with Jason Alexander and a barbershop quartet doing the songs. But I've got to say, Groban busting out the Cartman voice for the South Park song was pretty gold.

Kyle: Three omissions: Charles in Charge, Doogie Howser M.D., Office (UK). I'd totally forgotten about the Alexander thing. I actually found it quite winning. I think they should do it every year.

Mark: It's one of those bits that would totally sink or swim depending on the performer. Good thing Groban has a sense of humour.

Mark: Checking that Envelope list now....Lost won the Emmy for sound-mixing. Slow clap.

Kyle: Phew. That ties them with Entourage and Masterpiece Theatre for '08. (sad face emoticon)

Mark: Well, I think we've run through everything we wanted to say. Kyle, as always, a pleasure.

Kyle: Stealing my line! Likewise...

"I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true..."

In Praise of Mad Men: the blank Qs is an old idea of David Foster Wallace's; the stilted writing is de moi.

Scene: AMC Headquarters; Alexandria, Viriginia; Network head's office.

Enter UNIDENTIFIED MAN

Hi, I'm Matthew Weiner. Nice to meet you.

Q.

Never heard that before, honest. It's actually pronounced "whiner," but good one nonetheless. You probably don't know me, but I was David Chase's right hand man on The Sopranos...and I actually wrote 12 of the episodes.

Q.

Yeah...one of those dream episodes was my doing. (Two if you include "The Test Dream.") Sorry about that. I don't know what the fuck we were thinking. I think Chase was secretly high on mescaline for a few weeks in '06. Can you imagine if that had actually been the last season? We'd have been crucified!

But I wrote the one where Christopher died! Props for that?

Q.

Yeah, true...it did kind of suck after the first five minutes. My bad. Hmmm...come to think of it, I didn't really write anything of consequence on the show ("Soprano Home Movies" probably comes closest) Still, I wasn't as bad as Imperioli!

Q.

Outstanding question! I'm actually hear to pitch my new show to you. Are you ready? OK. Remember all those really shitty ads that aired in the fifties and sixties? It'll be about the guys that created those. Awesome, right? It'll be great!

Q.

Your blank stare says it all: you're hooked, aren't you? Well, then, allow me to continue. These "Mad Men" (a short form for Men who work on Madison Avenue, a term the ad men coined themselves), will all be on the wrong side of history: afraid of technology, skeptical of gimmick advertising, treat TV with disdain. Wait it gets better: they're Nixon men that are gutted when JFK wins--I know, right?

And they'll treat women like absolute dogshit. I mean like reckless affairs at every turn, talking about women like they're not even in the room, dismissing their input, and jokes like this:

[as the ad men enter the conference room] ...so the doctor says to him: "I hope you're happy. While you were out finishing a round of golf, your wife was in a horrible accident. She's going to need round-the-clock care. Bathing, toilet..." Then the doc turns to him and says "I'm just kidding, she's dead. Hey, what'd you shoot?"

One episode will even center around Don (he's the main character)'s wife going to therapy because she's a borderline depressive. She'll pour her heart out to this therapist throughout the episode and then, at the end, Don will call in to speak to the shrink, and he'll tell him everything about Betty! Ho ho. Boy, will she be embarrassed. Or, worse, maybe I won't reveal to her that Don knows about these sessions--that'll make it extra excruciating when she eventually finds out!

Q.

And you're going to love the actors we've got lined up. Remember What About Brian?

Q.

No, not him. You think AMC has Barry Watson money? Good luck!

Q.

No, not her either.

Q.

the little guy that looked like a gnome? No. Remember Dina? She was married to Dave and had the three kids. Well...remember that dick she had an affair with? It's him!

Q.

No, don't go on imdb, I'll just tell you. His name is Jon Hamm. He's also been on Providence, The Division, The Unit, and CSI: Miami (for 2 episodes!). I know! I can't believe he was available either!

Q.

Who else? How about January Jones? She was in American Wedding! And John Slattery (aka the smug principal on Ed). And we've landed Elizabeth Moss, one of the Barlett daughters from The West Wing.

Q.

No, the uglier one. [beat] We've even got one of the guys from Angel.

Q.

...Well I'll have you know that that "little snot-nosed douchebag" can act, good sir!

Q.

Now, I can sense by the way you've been eyeing up that gold letter opener for the past ten minutes, having now just grabbed it and presently attempting to slit your own throat that you're somewhat skeptical about this project. But, let me assure you, it'll somehow work.

Hamm will be an absolute revelation, and will bring the goods every single time. He'll be so convincing that you'll want to buy a carton of Lucky Strike even though you haven't smoked in years and build your house out of Bethlehem Steel. (Hell, you'll even try drinking scotch--even though your experiences in this department have universally been negative--just because it looks so damn cool on the show.) In the season finale, he'll deliver a pitch to Kodak, based around the seemingly innocuous and decidedly unsexy slide projector (then a novelty) that'll be so pitch-perfect, so riveting, and so jaw-droppingly fantastic that you'll be moved to tears.

He'll be the most charming asshole--sorry Mr. Soprano--in TV history. The most complex and inscrutable television character in years and years. You'll be repulsed by him, yet charmed. Disgusted, yet undeniably drawn to him.

Some of the other men, like Kartheiser, will be, admittedly, pretty loathsome, but you'll buy into to it because you know that, surely, there were (and are) assholes exactly like this one, and you root, weekly, for his comeuppance. (Rightly or wrongly, these Mad Men are completely oblivious--or, perhaps more accurately, indifferent--to the consequences of their actions, and that will make them strangely compelling.)

Unlike Breaking Bad, we'll actually give our female leads something to do [note: contra sister-in-law's kleptomania], and, more to the point, they'll deliver. Jones, as Betty, will do far more with less than you ever imagined, and break your heart in the process. Christina Hendricks' Joan, on the other hand, sees the world as it really is (or rather: sees how the men of the world really view her) and uses it to her own prurient ends. And then you'll have Moss's Peggy, the up and coming receptionist cum nascent copy editor, torn in either direction.

And when our rookie season ends people will be so stunned that they'll look at other new shows this year that we'll have sprinted by so quickly that it'll appear they're standing still and wonder aloud "what the fuck were these other guys doing? How can one new show be so far and away better than anything else that premiered this year, as for it to be almost embarrassing--that it seems almost unimaginable--that they all fall under the same category of 'television program'"?

So...am I wasting my time here?

Q.

Not sold, eh? OK...how about this? You let me put this on the air and I'll give you a sure-fire hit for free.

Q.

Ready? Gay Sherlock Holmes. Watson's his lover, and Sherlock is convinced that the doc is stepping out on him. Also: he knits competitively.

Q.

[collects bag of money] Weiner, you've done it again!

END SCENE

"I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them..."

The State of the Blog: A Semi-Annual(ish) Feature

I. Since my previous SotB contained an outlandish promise (remember the ill-fated Gravity's Rainbow read-and-blog? No? Good), let it not be said that this one doesn't either. To that end, I'm proud to unveil the "Ranking the Presidents" project. From #42 (I'm only going to say this once, people, so try to pay attention: the fact that Grover Cleveland, who served two non-consecutive terms, counts as the 22nd and 24th U.S. President is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's one--hence 42 in total) to #1, in (I think) five parts, with the final part completed just before the November election (which may or may not be chronicled in a running diary, with special guests Misha and Jessica Biga-Wadstein). Tentatively, I'm looking at the the following categories:

High Points/Accomplishments: does not apply to all Presidents (I'm looking at you, Franklin Pierce!)

Low Points: always more fun to talk about, anyway...

Allowances for Instability (or lack thereof) of Time Period: TR's contemporary lament--that he would always be underrated as a President because he didn't govern during a turbulent enough time (though Lord knows he tried to spice things up!)--has always fascinated me. Accordingly, I'll look at what was going on in America during each Presidents' tenure. Essentially, this can be viewed as a degree of difficulty component.

Fun Facts: some of which may not even be cribbed from books written by hosts or correspondents from The Daily Show (no promises).

In Writing: as part of a longstanding goal to read a biography about every President, I've covered roughly half of these guys...and counting (presently, I'm reading Grant by Jean Edward Smith). This will be a brief review of those books, along with any recommendations.

In Popular Culture: fairly self-explanatory.

Test of Time: kind of nebulous...but, basically, this boils down to: does their Presidency look better or worse now than it did then? Given the potential overlap with AfI(oLT)oTP, I may fold these two categories into one.

Suggestions are, as always, welcome. (Hell, I may even get some friends to submit their own rankings.) I'll give credit where credit is due...and maybe even name the category after you!

II. Having just completed S1 of both Mad Men and Breaking Bad (note: actually a 2008 show. Rats.), I think it's time to quickly (and retroactively) rank my Top 16 Shows of 2007 (that is to say: the 2007 season--which may, confusingly, have begun in September 2006--for shows. In other words, S1 30 Rock is eligible, early S2 eps that aired late in the year are not. So, unless my math is off, things like S5 of The Wire, S1 of Chuck, and S1 of Life won't be eligible until my Best of '08 List...hopefully appearing in December. You know what? Now I'm confused. Stupid strike. Season in question in parenthesis):

16. The O.C. (S4): as an aside, does it not seem like three of four years ago that this final--and unexpectedly entertaining--season aired?

15. Heroes (S1): though, in the span of a few short months, it's become so bad that I no longer watch it, I maintain that season one (massive letdown of a season finale aside) was pretty damn good. And I say no to revisionism!

14. Veronica Mars (S3): on the plus side, in ditching this show, the CW re-committed itself to building a stable of quality programs, which has been an unmitigated succe--ohmygod, that network building is on fire!!

13. Top Chef (S3): every time I hear someone say they prefer Hell's Kitchen, I die a little inside.

12. South Park (S11): 14 episodes, 6 gems or near-gems (Cartman Sucks, With Apologies to Jesse Jackson, two of the three Imaginationland eps, Night of the Living Homeless, and Guitar Queer-0). Not bad.

11. Curb Your Enthusiasm (S6): I think we can safely say that the S2/S3 glory days are long gone, but this was a nice rebound season after a wildly uneven S5 in 2005.

10. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (S3): I'll be the first to admit that I was turned off by S1 of this show, but I'm glad we stuck it out, because, as it turns out, the show is fucking hilarious. I probably don't go a week without referencing the Dumpster Baby episode.

9. The Office (S3): to be honest, I found season three to be more uncomfortable and sad than, say, riotous. Out of 23 episodes, only three--"Gay Witch Hunt," "The Coup," and, maybe my favorite of the whole series, "The Job"--really stood out. And the much-hyped Gervais-Merchant episode ("The Convict") ended up, if not an outright dud, than at least very forgettable. Nevertheless, a respectable season.

8. The Sopranos (S6, part two): makes it by virtue of "The Second Coming" alone. The rest of the season was (and remains) incredibly overrated.

7. How I Met Your Mother (S2): this, too, seems like several years ago, likely a byproduct of S3 being--for me at least--a major disappointment.

6. Extras (S2 + the Christmas special): a lot to love here...

5. Flight of the Conchords (S1): ...yet it's eclipsed by this show, which, amazingly, manages an even better job of incorporating the bumbling agent character. The rewatchability of this show is off the charts. I'm just very fond of it.

4. 30 Rock (S1): what's left to be said about this show? Genius.

3. Lost (S3): the season finale alone ("Through the Looking Glass") is enough to get this show on the list. Throw in some killer performances from the perennially under-appreciated Elizabeth Mitchell and Henry Ian Cusick, and you get a show that is firmly back on track. That, for a time, Heroes was favourably compared to this complex and challenging show now strikes me as patently absurd. And, if you don't think there's enough Lost analysis here, please see the following.

2. Mad Men (S1): I have to say, I'm kind of in awe of this show.

1. Dexter (S2): Great season. Great show. I went back and forth between this and MM for #1, before ultimately settling on this order. Having said that, I believe Mad Men to be on better footing, as I'm fascinated to see which direction it's heading in, while, with Dexter, I'm mostly concerned that they may (may) not have anywhere else to go.

III. Patrick Hruby's latest ESPN.com Page 2 article on sports video game flaws is...amazing, and I urge everyone to check it out. Five additions I would've liked to have seen:

1. It's effectively impossible to be a serve and volleyer in tennis games now. This could very well be a nod to real tennis, but that's probably giving developers too much credit.

2. Play-by-play and color commentary still sucks. If I'm a half game out of the Wild Card race with one game to know, the commentary should indicate as much, including providing live look-ins to the other relevant game. Same goes for when it's Michigan-OSU, and the winner earns the right to lose the National Championship game by 28 points, while the loser will struggle valiantly in the Capital One bowl. They need to get much (much, much) better at the situational stuff. Hell, I'm willing to bet that if they offered a subscription mode (say $5 a month) for some personalized commentary, this would be a runaway hit.

3A. Season mode in golf and tennis games remains unsatisfying. So...you can recruit a high school punter from Pierre, South Dakota in NCAA Football '08, but you can't play in the U.S. Open Series, or compete for the FedEx Cup? This. makes. no. sense. Twenty second solution: buy the rights to the names and likenesses of the top 128 tennis players on tour, and the 125 PGA players that won a tour card the previous year. It'll be cheap. Believe me. (Hell, Frank Dancevic would probably pay you to do this.) Then make them all playable in the game. (Then add all the tournaments.) I know the trend is towards creating yourself now in sports games, but no, this is better.

3B. Ryder Cup mode! Come on, EA Sports! Just because Tiger routinely shits the bed in this event doesn't mean it shouldn't be included. This would be amazing online.

4. Post-championship celebrations continue to be a massive letdown. Given that it took five to seven years to go from the static "shots of confetti falling down and people hugging" in Tecmo Super Bowl to the evolutionary leap of actual shots of the postgame celebration (Madden and NBA Live series), I'm not holding out much hope here, but is it too much to ask for an NFL Films style Year in Review video if you win the Super Bowl? How hard could it possibly be to compile all the best highlights from your season and set it to music? I'm not asking for John Facenda to narrate anything (mostly because I believe he's been dead for quite some time). I'd even settle for a Top 10 (when my brothers football team won OFSAA, they had a Top 10 at their team banquet...and it was just about the coolest thing ever)

5. Still no good next gen beach volleyball game (non-pornographic department). How is this possible? Super Spike V-Ball came out twenty years ago this October! This is a no-brainer people.

IV. Writing Schedule

1. In Praise of Mad Men: next couple of days
2. Real World Retrospective: late next week
3. Best Books of the 90s: conceivably: the week before the wedding, though it's entirely possible I won't get to this.

After that, expect a two-week hiatus (something about me getting married, a honeymoon, etc.). Things should be up and running the week of August 18th, with some Olympic Thoughts, Best Movies of the 90s, and--my favorite--a running diary of this year's Little League World Series Championship Game on the 24th.